I’m Not Where I Thought I’d Be At 38
When I was a kid, I would always play this scene in my head as I was waiting to fall asleep, of what it would be like to wake up as an adult, in my own house, with my husband, with my own family. I wanted to channel how it would feel to be in love and how we would go about something as simple as our morning routine together, getting our kids ready for school. Perhaps part of the appeal was that these visions felt different from what was modeled in my home. It was soothing to me.
Am I where I thought I'd be at 38 years old?
No, and that's okay. I once thought that I would never be able to get on an airplane by myself, travel the world, or live in a different city. I never imagined I would do what I'm currently doing for work—and I never really envisioned a career that would allow me to live life so freely. I think my overly anxious state constricted what I thought I could be. My world felt pretty small. So, in reality, where I am at 38 is better than I could have imagined.
Of course, an ongoing theme in this newsletter has been my pursuit of romantic love. All of my birthday letters have revolved around my relationship with my single-ness as I get older and my desire for love. I know I am not my relationship status, yet so much of my existence has felt rooted in this search for love (both inside and outside myself). Sometimes, it feels like my mere reason for being on this planet. Then again, isn't it everyone's reason for being on this planet? We're all here to love and be loved. I know, very Pisces of me.
Today, I'm waking up two days before my 38th birthday, and I have a boyfriend. Honestly, it still feels a bit strange to say. I'm in a relationship that feels significant, fun, passionate, and healing. My nervous system is not activated. Not to say that it's never been activated in this relationship because it certainly has at times, but I'm always working at addressing my needs as they arise—it's also a testament to his willingness to meet those needs. He says he likes that I'm direct about what I want.
Arriving at the place you once dreamed of can be a strange feeling. Do I even belong here?
Every day, I am reminded that it's okay to show up as I am, even when it feels hard to. I am grateful to be with someone who makes me feel safe to be vulnerable (although it can still feel challenging) and, in return, can be vulnerable with me. Yet, I still have fears. Thoughts about being abandoned do not consume me, but my mind still needs somewhere to go, ruminate, and overthink. How do I know that it's right? Is this it? Or is this just another test from the universe? I've had to reconcile some of the fantasies I've long held about being in a relationship with the reality of being in a relationship. I put a lot of pressure on myself to make the “right” vs. “wrong” decisions for myself and my future, even though I know life doesn't really work like that.
This relationship has illuminated how far I've come in my personal development (the growth is real!) — and where I still have some growing, stretching, and healing to do. It's a never-ending process of being in relation to another person, being afforded a unique opportunity to learn about someone we recognize something special in and vice versa, but also an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. What is it in the other person that attracts us? Or maybe repels us at times? How do we respond when our romantic partner triggers us or when they disappoint us? How do we approach conflict and conflict resolution? How vulnerable do we allow ourselves to be? When are we projecting on the other person? Can we accept the other person for who they are and not attempt to change them.
The biggest indicator of my growth is that now I know this relationship does not reflect my worth. I am not suddenly worthy of love just because someone has stuck around. I don't need this person. I don't need this relationship to work out, as much as it will be beautiful if it does. Yes, that anxious part of me is still present; it needs certainty, and it needs to know NOW that this is forever. But for the first time, I am able to trust that if this is not my person, there is someone even better out there for me.
Raise your hand if you grew up thinking that being vulnerable was bad or meant you were weak! That was certainly my experience. As I've gotten older, I've realized that being vulnerable is integral to who I am, how I show up in my life, and it's why I started this newsletter. So, I was so excited to have the opportunity to create this “Vulnerability is a Superpower” sweatshirt with Mayfair! I've been a longtime fan of the brand and their purpose-driven apparel which is why they're always present in FWD JOY giveaways.
I want to always celebrate the true strength of being vulnerable because it is what helps us feel seen, it helps us create deeper relationships, and thus a stronger community.