4 Things I’m Giving Myself Permission To Do in 2023

I've said in the past that I'm not really into resolutions, but that's not entirely true. By nature, I am quite resolute—when I put my mind to something, I'm going to stick to it. It's more that I don't wait for January 1 to make these decisions, the whole concept of 'new year, new me' is lost on me. My resolutions come at any time, and they're usually dictated by a shift in perspective. I've spent more than half of my life in therapy, and doing self-work has been integral to furthering my personal growth—so I often have breakthroughs and shifts in consciousness that alter how I move forward in life. 

My spiritual work with channeler and spiritual guide Alexia Landa has inspired the latest changes I've been implementing for myself. She and I originally connected last summer for my newsletter where I had her interpret my dreams. In our conversation, she saw me so clearly that I decided to try her private coaching program in September for a few months. She designs it around whatever clients want to address in their life—but its main focus is disconnecting from patterns or creating new ones. There are journal prompts, affirmations, meditations, 1-on-1 meetings, and text support. Her approach is extremely gentle, and yes, I've worked with, and connected with, a lot of healers in the past but even I was surprised by the instant ease I felt with her. 

The biggest shift that Alexia introduced to me was that I didn't need more “healing.” The need to heal came into my consciousness during my Saturn return, around the age of 29 or 30, and was largely sparked by the dissolution of a years-long “situationship.” It was after that when I really started diving into psychology and spirituality. I was looking for answers to why I was struggling with my self-worth and the issues I was coming up against in trying to form romantic relationships that left me feeling depleted. Over the last 6+ years, I've been able to sort through my emotional baggage, and I have clarity on the origins of my patterns—but somehow, I still felt a bit stuck.

I never really contemplated where I might be on the spectrum of healing. I never considered well, when does the healing stop? Am I only “healed” if I get the relationship I want? I had all the tools to navigate life differently, but I was still choosing what felt most comfortable—and Alexia tasked me with seeing myself in a new light, where I fully trusted myself and centered my needs. Having awareness of something we want to change or do differently is one thing, but feeling empowered to put it into practice is a whole other thing. 

It can be tricky to override our patterns, sometimes they're generational or learned from childhood. In the past, I thought I could do it just because I said I wanted to—but I'm not sure I really trusted myself. I continued to do the same things, and hoped one day I'd get different results—but no such luck. Now, things have shifted, I feel aligned with these principles, and I feel strong enough to go against the familiar— and to finally put action behind this awareness.

#1 Be in my feminine

Everything in this world is about energy—we feel it when someone lights up a room or leaves us feeling drained. A large part of my work with Alexia was about balancing my masculine and feminine energy, which required thinking more deeply about my personal foundation, needs, and boundaries. I think there's a lot about this topic that is misunderstood. There are assumptions that feminine energy is about being passive or gender roles, when in reality, it's simply about firm boundaries, staying in your worth, and releasing what is out of your control (if you're learning from the right people). 

I always saw myself as someone who had good boundaries. I do when it comes to certain things, like work, but there are many other instances, if I'm being real honest with myself, that I don't. I've been willing to compromise on things I know I need, in attempt to keep someone in my life. I've spent more time trying to understand the motivations and intentions of the other person, instead of focusing on how they really made me feel. So, I was able to actually reflect on that over the last few months and course correct. I also listened to Nedra Tawwab's book Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A big part of this for me is about discernment, and being able to assess whether someone is treating me in a way that doesn't feel aligned with my own values, and knowing when to bow out. 

#2 Embrace my emotional needs

This might not sound groundbreaking, but if you grew up suppressing your needs in order to receive love from your parents, I bet you can relate. It took me thirty-something years to start to understand my emotional needs in the context of a relationship. I didn't know my needs were something to be communicated. Throughout my twenties, my idea of being in a relationship was just about being chosen. What could I do to ensure I'd be chosen? And like so many others, I continued to contort myself into needing nothing to guarantee I'd be seen as loveable or desirable. In case you need to see this today, every single human has needs, and wanting communication, respect, and care from the person you like are the most basic of human needs. It is not “needy.”

No one has ever called me needy, though, because I'd rather suffer in silence than let a man know that I needed anything from him (until I explode, of course). But that approach only served to make me truly miserable. In the last year, I turned a corner, I started speaking up about my needs, and yes, it felt extremely uncomfortable. In my head, I felt like I was asking the world of the person in front of me—even if they didn't make me feel that way and they were receptive in the moment. But their inability to then meet those needs said otherwise. And I continued to give them one too many chances to try to prove they could do it—only to be let down. So, I am committed to not just acknowledging my needs when things are starting to feel uncomfortable, but really owning the fact that I have them and being vocal about them from the start. My needs are not too much, they're just what I need.

#3 Retire from the peacekeeper role

I am a highly sensitive person, I'm deeply empathetic, and I always want everyone to be okay, often at the expense of myself. In my family, I take on most of the emotional labor, as the role of peacekeeper and problem solver. It's the role I've played my whole life. If anyone in my family has a complaint about anyone else in the family, it all gets filtered through me, and I jump into mediating the conflict. Of course, I love that my family always feels that they can talk to me— but I wish they would just take their complaints directly to the person they're upset with. Since coming home from London, I've implemented a boundary with them that I am no longer available to be a sounding board for their complaints about each other. Surprisingly, they've been pretty good about it. I just continue to remind myself that everyone has their own lessons to learn in this life, and who am I to intervene? 

#4 Stop over-explaining myself

I have a deep desire to be truly understood by those I love. When I'm in conflict with someone, there is a part of me that believes if I can just say it a certain way, or if I really break it down for someone, maybe they'll see my point or understand how they may have hurt me. Typically, it just leaves me more frustrated when they still don't get it. I've often seen people or articles that say over-explaining yourself is a trauma response, but I'm not necessarily trying to pathologize it. I called my bestie, who happens to be a therapist, to ask her what her thoughts were on the idea. She said context is needed to know whether it's really a trauma response but that “feeling seen, heard, and valued fall under our basic human needs. As children, if we didn't consistently feel seen, heard, or valued by our caretakers, we might unconsciously attempt to repair that wound externally in intimate partnerships. Rather than seeking out understanding and affirmation of our worth from a significant other, we need to prioritize healing the original attachment wound.” 

 I felt really aware of how much I was doing this when I was broke up with the guy I was seeing last summer. The number of times I re-wrote what I wanted to say in my notes app, laid out examples of what he did, and explained precisely what I was looking for, with that tiny hope that if I could just make him understand, this would be salvageable. It was useless because this person simply did not have the emotional capacity. And I found myself finally letting go of the idea of being understood when I was in conflict with a friend a few months ago. At the end of the day, it's not my responsibility (nor is it in my capacity) to change someone or make them understand me. I've accepted that these situations merely require me to adjust my expectations and, again, set boundaries around what I'm willing to deal with.

New Year, New Style

Over the last few months, I've been making some small tweaks to my style. I don't know if it's really that different to an outsider, or if I would put a name to it, I just have the desire to dress up again. After 2+ years of the pandemic and lockdowns completely changing how we live our lives, obviously, it also affected how we got dressed. In a pre-pandemic world, I never considered myself to be a casual dresser, and I didn't own a single sweatsuit. I wore heels to work every day, and I favored skirts, dresses, and trousers over jeans.

Now in a post-lockdown world, I have a new career—I work from home, and that plays a big role in how and whether I get dressed. But last year, in the transition from summer to fall, I started to think differently about my style. Yes, I was living in a different city (London doesn't really do casual) so that could also be a big part of it. But I felt myself wanting more 'party' clothes, shorter hemlines, maybe a little sparkle, and I wanted my style to feel a bit sexier.

I've seen pieces about people wanting to dress up again—and I agree! I find myself gravitating to more statement pieces over my usual luxe basics, and taking any invitation as an opportunity to dress as my best self. So, to breathe some new life into my wardrobe, below are some statement pieces I've been adding to cart or just have my eye on for the future..

16Arlington Adelaide dress: I have a renewed love for the LBD.

Des Phemmes cardigan: The tie dye! The crystals! I recently received this in brown and I'd wear it everyday if I could.

Déhanche corset leather belt: one of the coolest and sleekest corsets I've ever seen, Danielle recently posted this on her stories and I knew I had to have it. 

Marine Serre denim bustier: I've long loved bustiers, and I've been searching for a denim one for a sexier take on the Canadian tuxedo.

Courrèges knit turtleneck + Courrèges knit pants: I wouldn't be me without a matching set. This is sitting in my shopping cart as I type.

Coperni swipe bag: I just think me and this bag would have a lot of fun.

Versace cutout blazer: my new prized possession. I can't wait for all the places we'll go.

Amina Muaddi camelia pumps: I've recently become obsessed with slingbacks. I bought these in black in November. Surprisingly, they're very comfortable, so I'm tempted to try a colorful pair.

Christopher Esber slashed cropped tee: This had date top written all over it.

Area crystal-embellished mini: Looking ahead to Pisces season…

LaQuan Smith corset top: I love how comfy this corset tee looks

House of Aama lace crochet top: This beautiful top really speaks to my Taurus rising

Agolde Cooper cargos: I had to throw a little denim in there for safe measure.