NO ONE TELLS YOU HOW HARD IT IS TO CHOOSE YOURSELF
Although I’ve used the word “gentle” to describe my breakup to most, it also felt unnecessarily drawn out since we had our “closing ceremony” a week after the initial breakup. It prolonged the start of the healing process and made the first two and a half weeks feel agonizing.
Each day, I kept a running list of all my thoughts, feelings, and what I was doing to help myself process and move through the haze. I had no intentions set for how to get through it, but letting myself be without judgment helped me move through it faster than I expected. It’s all about acceptance versus resistance when it comes to our uncomfortable feelings. There’s nothing we can do to stop them so we have to just let them run their course. Here’s everything I did to help my heart:
I accepted that I was sad, I was going to miss my boyfriend, and that I was going to feel like absolute crap, but each day would get me one step closer to feeling better. My therapist told me that attachment is the first to form and the last to go. Attachment is a primitive part of us, telling us we NEED this person to survive. Don’t fall for it.
My first thought regarding healing was: what can I do to make myself feel good physically? So, I booked massages and reflexology and went to the sauna/steam room. I got my eyebrows and hair done because the last thing I wanted was to feel ugly while going through a breakup.
I made myself go on walks every day, sometimes multiple times a day. If I really felt myself ruminating and spiraling into unhelpful thoughts, getting outside was a way to break the cycle.
I moved all photos of him into my hidden folder on my iPhone. Thank god for this feature because nothing ruins your day like looking for a photo of the delicious pasta you ate a few weeks ago and instead stumbling upon a picture of you and your ex looking happy together. Looking at photos of him felt painful, and I could feel that pit in my stomach pulsate. I also archived our text thread on WhatsApp and never returned to reread our past texts.
I kept my flat clean, knowing I would have a lot of mental clutter. I didn’t want any physical clutter around me. I also kept fresh flowers in my flat, as I routinely do.
I doubled up on therapy. I know this isn’t always possible for others, but damn it was money well spent. Each session with my therapist helped me maintain clarity on my situation and restored my faith that I had the tools to navigate this big change.
I cried. Need I say more?
My spiritual mentor advised me to make a list of what I learned from the relationship and what I want in my next relationship. I liked this exercise because it helped me appreciate what my boyfriend brought into my life and what that means for my future.
I leaned into gratitude. I felt really grateful for my relationship with my ex, not only because we had such a great time together and he became so special to me but also because of what I learned about myself in the process.
I stretched every morning. Emotions can get stuck in the body, so moving that energy around was helpful. Stretching was a big part of my ex-boyfriend's morning routine, and I admired how disciplined he was about it. I always said I needed to start stretching but never joined him, so it also helped me feel connected to him.
I acknowledged and observed my physical feelings, most noticeably a tight, burning feeling in my stomach. It was so distracting and probably the worst part of the breakup. I saw this Lennie video, conveniently around the time of our split, and yes, it made me very emotional, but it also referenced this feeling I was experiencing as a box that holds all the memories and all the love and good times we had with our person. “The box is a reminder that they were real.” So that was a nice context to reframe what that feeling was all about.
I reminded myself that the universe has a plan for me. I may not know what it is right now, but I trust things always work out how they’re meant to. I also didn’t give up hope on my boyfriend in those early days. I said to myself, if this man and I are meant to be together, we will find our way back to one another—and if not, there’s someone even better out there for me.
I only talked to a few friends about the breakup at first. I wanted to be able to hold myself and my feelings. I also didn’t know what would happen since we took the first week to think about things, and just in case we ended up getting back together, I didn’t want to drag too many people into the chaos. So, I didn’t tell most friends about the breakup until two weeks after it happened.
I leaned on my family. I don’t often talk to my family about dating because I’ve never had anyone worth telling them about. But my boyfriend did meet my parents when he came to New York early this year. It felt good to be supported by my parents and brothers as I navigated my breakup.
I kept busy, although that wasn’t entirely by choice. A lot of work popped up during the early days of the breakup, so while I wanted to give myself time to mope and be miserable, I did my best to honor my deadlines and stay on top of my work, which was also a helpful distraction.
I listened to audiobooks and podcasts on relationships, of course. I was really inspired by Mark Groves’ journey with his wife, and it felt a bit similar to what my boyfriend and I were going through, so I listened to their newly-released book, Liberated Love, and several podcast interviews they had done while promoting it. I think it’s a great book, especially for anyone struggling with codependency yet who desires to build a conscious relationship. I also listened to Matthew Hussey’s latest book,Love Life. My go-to podcasts were To Be Magnetic, which had a helpful breakup episode. The same goes for Dr. Alexandra Solomon’s podcast Reimaging Love and Jillian on Love, which has been one of my favorite relationship podcasts for the last year, I also think her voice is so soothing.
Now, I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Christina Caradona for over a decade (as evidenced by this very 2011 photo). She is one of the OG influencers in the fashion and beauty space, and I have always admired how open and real she is. So when we simultaneously fell into new relationships and coincidentally fell out of them around the same time, I had to talk to her to compare notes. Below, Christina, my fellow chronic over-sharer, tells me about the first thing she did post-breakup, how she lost a part of herself in her relationship, and how she’s approaching dating moving forward.
When did you first meet your boyfriend? And when did you break up?
Christina: Our first date was in October, and we lasted a little over eight months. We met on Hinge. When I date, I focus on one person. When I was in my 20s, I bopped around. But I'm in my 30s, and I want to really concentrate. I'm also dating for something more serious. Then it [the breakup] happened in May. I led the conversation there, and then he ultimately pulled it. We're just on different timelines. I can't make someone mature. I can't make them stay, either. He regretted it after it happened. He wanted to remain friends. I would've remained friends if I was younger, but I knew remaining friends right now wouldn't do me any good.
Take me through your headspace in the first 24 hours of your breakup.
Christina: After it had happened and he left, my first thought was: I need to go run. I need to clear my head. A lot of things were being brought up from my last relationship, and it was like, Christina, you've grown so much in the last four years. You're not a victim. You need to clear your head. So I ran for eight miles. I went on a hike, I was listening to breathing shit. My first thought was my health because my last relationship revealed the worst parts of me. So I needed to show the best part of me. Also, to leave that man alone.
What were you doing aside from running?
Christina: After the breakup, I spent a lot more time with my friends and a lot more time outside. My friends didn't really know what was going on. I kept it very private because it was the beginning stages, it's delicate, and I really respected him, so I wasn't about to bash him. But honestly, I went out and fed my soul with people and friends. I realized how much of that I had not done because I was with someone incredibly isolated and didn't want to be around anybody except for me. So, I also wasn't truly myself.
I also did a lot of hot eight yoga. I thought about doing mushrooms again, and do a little DMT trip. I smoke every morning, and I do microdose, but at one point, I was like, okay, you need to go on a mind trip. I like to do mind trips in the desert. I prefer to be in nature. I get visuals, and I don't know; it’s intense but fun. It depends on what energy I'm going in with. If I'm with friends, it’s different. But if I'm doing it by myself, it's for a purpose.
Did you feel like you were repeating a pattern with your boyfriend?
Christina: I did repeat a pattern of not addressing things from the start and letting my feelings be taken over. I put up better boundaries this time than others. I do remember that he felt like he was repeating a pattern because he was very codependent to me.
Something shifted for me mentally last year, right before I met my boyfriend, where I was like, I can let go, and I'm going to trust that a relationship will unfold for me the way it's meant to. Six weeks after we met, I went home to New York, so I thought, maybe this is just a summer romance, and we'll leave it at that. I was really sad when I was leaving, but I was like, if this is going to work out, it will work out, and I don't have to do anything. I don't have to go above and beyond. I don't need to be the one texting all the time. None of that.
Christina: Yeah. Thankfully, as we grow older and we mature, those little anxious habits of I need to be in contact all day long, go away. I feel like that's the beauty of having relationships like this, where we see a reflection and grow. We’ve grown.
I know that's what makes me feel optimistic about the breakup, like, wow, I had a good time, and I learned so much. There's no way to see this in a negative light.
Christina: I hate when people go, "Oh, it was a waste of my time." And I have found myself saying that in past relationships. Now I'm like, wait, that's rude because you loved that person. You learned it wasn't a waste.
We both read that Cut article about dating being a nightmare right now. I know dating is really tough, of course. We all know. But at the same time, I don't know, and this could possibly just be my disposition...
Christina: Say it, say it, say it.
I'm still really hopeful. I don't have this outlook like, oh my God, all men are terrible. The more discerning you can be about who you're engaging with and how quickly you can push these people who are not right for you out, the better off you'll be.
Christina: I liked the article you sent me, but I saw the girl as someone like, "Poor me, I went to a show, and I was singled out." Okay, are you serious? You're going to go home and cry about it? I feel like there was an un-evolvedness to it. Do you know what I mean? I really like Julia Fox and the interview she did when she was like, once you remove the fascination of men being the thing and focus on yourself, good things happen.
I think a big part of dating is also all of us owning our shit and taking the time to examine what we're bringing to the table—and I'm not talking about your accolades. I mean the literal shit, how your experiences cloud how you see situations. I pulled out two quotes from the article—
“Taylor from Brooklyn wants a partnership of some kind, and so many of the guys she meets suffer from what she calls ‘porn brain,’ they prize performative masculinity over actual connection during sex. She says they focus on dominance rather than her pleasure.” My first thought was a man like that could not even get in bed with me.
But this was the real smoking gun, “The thought of being single long-term terrifies her. She doesn't want to spend her Friday nights with her cat eating sushi.”
Christina: Then don't. Go out and see your friends.
And I'm sure that was hyperbolic on some level, but, if you are in a place where being single terrifies you, you have some work to do. Listen, you don't have to love every moment of being single. It's okay. It's taken me a long time to admit that it's okay to say you desire a relationship. That was very hard for me to admit for a long time. I didn't want to say it out loud because I thought I couldn't have it, so why would I say that I wanted something that I felt like I couldn't have?
So, being able to own that is important. Yes, I am ready to find someone I can build a life with. That is what I currently want. I am not interested in dating for the sake of dating. But to say that being single long-term terrifies me—I would never say something like that. I don't feel that way. I love my life, and I have a great fucking life.
I fear a lot of people are getting themselves into trouble because they haven't really unpacked why being single is terrifying. And yeah, I get it; our culture is also to blame.
Christina: Our culture is to blame. We have this invisible but not-so-invisible thread pulling us that says there's a timeline. Last year was the first year that I felt I needed to separate myself from my mother. Even though I'm 3,000 miles away, we are so tethered, and she's in my ear. Separating yourself from where you feel like you need to prove something to your family is important.
My mom said something that stuck with me, "I don't want you to spend your life thinking that you need to find a man and thinking that that is the be-all. Maybe you were put on this earth to just be Christina." It made me feel so good. I’m 36 in two weeks. I'll never forget she said that because it made me feel like I no longer had to prove myself. Now, my relationship with her is so much better.
It means a lot when our parents signal that we are okay as we are. We don't have to be anything other than who we are—and I think that has helped me a lot that my parents don’t put pressure on me. How long will you give yourself until you're ready to date?
Christina: I'm going to enjoy my summer, and start in September.
What is your outlook on dating going forward?
Christina: I am so worried for the men I'm going on dates with because I know myself better. So, they're going to have to be good. The outlook is still good. I feel happy and hopeful. I do feel like I'll be more guarded with my feelings initially, just a little more guarded.