MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAD A CLOSING CEREMONY FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP
To kick off the healing process, my boyfriend suggested we have a closing ceremony for our relationship. He said he wanted us to honor our journey together. If that doesn’t speak volumes about his character and the conscious relationship we cultivated, I don’t know what does.
I recently became familiar with the relationship “closing ceremony” through dating expert Mark Groves of Create the Love. He’s talked about his closing ceremony with his now-wife when they split up, which ultimately led them back together after ten months and a lot of personal growth on both sides.
So, a week after I told my boyfriend it was time to call it quits, and we had some time to reflect on our own about our breakup, I met him for the last time at his house. I was experiencing a range of emotions leading up to it, including anxiety. A part of me felt that our initial breakup was loving and gentle enough, and I could’ve left it there. But I also wanted to be the kind of person who could have this experience with their ex.
That night, he made dinner and then led us into the ceremony, cleansing the room with sage and lighting a candle between us. He came prepared with questions to reflect on our relationship, which we took turns answering.
What do you admire about the other person?
Things you felt hurt by or didn’t like that the other person did.
What regrets do you have about the relationship?
What are you taking away from the relationship?
What do you hope for the other person and their future? *this was my addition based on Mark’s closing ceremony
I don’t know what I expected going into it. I didn’t hope it would somehow lead to us getting back together, but I also didn’t expect some of the beautiful things he said about me and my impact on him. I was essentially in tears through the entire ceremony. I was moved by his words and it felt very affirming. But why was he telling me this now and not during the relationship? It was also hard not to get defensive about some of the things he brought up that he didn’t like that I did that he never voiced while we were together. But when I left his house that night, I felt at peace, just as I did the day we broke up.
Would I recommend having a closing ceremony for your breakup? Well, it depends on your situation. If you’re exiting a relationship where you still have a lot of love and positive feelings towards the person, I think it can be a very mature and respectful way to end things. But you must also be prepared for the good, the bad, and the aftermath.
The next morning, I woke up in a haze of confusion that followed me for days about whether I made the right decision. I was stuck on all the nice things he said; they were playing on repeat in my mind. I wanted to call him and ask, what are we doing? This is stupid. We both care about each other. Let’s get back together. I was crying to my therapist (I booked two sessions that week) and to my friends. I felt a despair I hadn’t felt that first week and a sense of urgency to fix things immediately. Maybe I should’ve given him more time like he wanted, but I would’ve been going against what I knew was right for me. How would I find another guy that was anything close to him?
My therapist eventually pulled me out of my spiral by the end of the week. We stayed focused on the cold, hard facts of the situation. I had to lean into my trust in myself and the bigger plan unfolding for my life. If this man and I are truly meant to be together, we will find our way back to each other; otherwise, I really feel like he was a preview of what’s possible. But for now, he’s taught me how to choose myself and stay true to what I want, and I’m grateful to him for that.