I TRADED MY THERAPIST FOR A TAROT READER

This was my own “Mr. Big,” if Mr. Big wasn’t a millionaire and spent most of his free time skateboarding around downtown New York. We met in 2014 at an event in SoHo and had already been following each other on Instagram because of some mutual friends. We were playing your typical IG flirtation game: liking some photos here and leaving comments there. So, upon our first meeting, we had already started making jokes about us going on a date. There were instant sparks and an unshakeable chemistry that still haunts me to this day—but it was a complete failure to launch. The first date never materialized, so we fell into the hook-up whenever we saw each other category. 

“He loves you, but he’s not like IN LOVE with you,”

my tarot reader told me during one of my sessions. The words no one wants to hear about the object of their affection. One might think that those words would’ve helped me move on—but not entirely. Every month when I would return to his table, there would be a Cancer, or Cancerian energy as he described it, in my reading. He was in my karma, my future, and most certainly dominating my thoughts. 

While fleeting, this connection with the Cancer felt kismet. His attention felt like sunshine, and every time I received a text from him, I experienced the highest of highs—which also meant that I experienced the lowest of lows when a weekend rolled by and I didn’t hear from him. There were mixed signals galore. And I, of course, was riddled with anxiety from my anxious attachment and even found myself losing weight because of it. His emotional and physical blocks were undeniable though. His ego was fragile, and one wrong move, like not giving him the exact response he was looking for or not being available when he wanted me, would result in him picking a fight, shutting down, or just completely ghosting me. Yes, he ghosted me on more than one occasion, and still, I would go back to him. 

“What are you actually getting out of this?” My former therapist had asked before we stopped working together. Sure, when forced to look at it objectively, I could see how insane it all sounded. There was nothing substantial to grasp onto. It was breadcrumbs. I was high off a feeling, and most of all, my own projection. But I believed that I could see through the facade—I could see the good in him, the potential (that would never materialize for me). I wanted to believe that I could bring out the best in him. In reality, with my need for closeness and his need for space, we were continuously triggering each other. With or without spiritual guidance—I struggled to accept the cold hard facts.

Everything came to a screeching halt at his birthday party that summer. My tarot reader was right about the fight— but little did I know I didn’t actually have to travel with him to find it. All I had to do was make a joke about the two of us being together one day.

“We are never going to date,” he said to me as if he were scolding a child who asked for candy one too many times at the store. 

The following morning I woke up to a text from him, “I’m sorry.” 

I felt vindicated. I had the power. I wasn’t happy though.

So what did I do next? I made an emergency appointment to see my tarot reader that afternoon. I couldn’t respond to him until I had all the information. 

“Jupiter is in your opposite sign, Virgo, he’s making you feel like you don’t need this particular person. ‘Jupiter is a slut.’” We both laughed in the private backroom of the shop. “You need to cleanse your subconscious mind. You’re projecting ego as a way to gain balance with him. It’s showing me that eventually you and him are gonna speak again—but God wants you to start being more silent. More distant, and let him chase you. Here’s the high priestess. She says, ‘I’m too wise for this. I’m on a quest.’” 

“But can I continue to speak to him and still have self-respect?” I asked the painful question I already knew the answer to. 

“God says, ‘be silent.’” 

Then he gave me one of the most profound messages of all.

“The Universe says, ‘Speak up, tell me what it is that you want. Tell me what you desire. Go in for it, truly, and follow only that truth’. This is a spiritual revelation for you because yes, he may have a love for you, but he’s also an exact replication of you. So yes, he’s perfect for you because you’re not fully available, so he’s not fully available. And he’s fine with that, because you’re fine with that. He is a spiritual lesson for you.”

I had never considered that I was potentially struggling with my own state of emotional unavailability. All I could see was myself desperately trying to be loved by this person. But why else would I be attracted to his behavior? Why else would I pour energy into someone who was never going to give me what I needed? My own fears around real commitment were suddenly hard to ignore. I had been trying so hard to manage my feelings so that I wouldn’t get hurt, yet I was in a perpetual state of hurt because of my own actions.

The Cancer and I still managed to reconcile by the following week—and saw each other one last time. Although I didn’t know it would be the last time I ever saw him. Then about six weeks later, I woke up to an email from him while he was traveling abroad. The email had no subject, just a screenshot of a song whose lyrics included, “If the rain was coming, will you break my heart?” 

I wanted to write back, “what do you want from me?” But instead, I said nothing. 

I ended the cycle. 

Honestly, it took what felt like forever to move on from this entanglement that went on for about two and a half years from start to finish. I don’t think it was a coincidence that it all came undone during my Saturn return (in my 7th House of partnerships). Your Saturn return is a time of major life lessons—and the universe absolutely served one up on a silver platter. I did not like who I had become. I abandoned myself at every turn to try to win someone’s affection, and it left me feeling depleted. Even though, at the time, I felt like I had a grasp on what was happening and that I could be "level-headed" about my feelings, I was lying to myself.

Seeking relief for my broken heart, I would turn to my tarot reader’s table once or twice a month. “You don’t need a reading, you need healing,” he would tell me. And he was right. I was determined to get to the root of my unraveling. So, he started suggesting books for me to read. “The Novice” by Thich Nhat Hanh and “The Places That Scare You” by Pema Chodron being the first two I picked up. These books that centered how to navigate adversity and uncertainty made me see a glimmer of light—and inspired me to go deeper into Buddhist philosophy. I became committed to looking within and examining my own behavior in a way I never really had before, despite all my work in therapy.

I was so far from the confident and self-aware person I believed myself to be. But that’s something I’ve come to understand better as I’ve gotten older and continue to unlock new layers of my own healing—who we know ourselves to be can get clouded and literally overridden by our inner child and our attachment wounds in romantic or even platonic situations. That’s why we sometimes feel like we don’t even recognize ourselves when we’re stressed over interpersonal relationships. I still feel it often today as I navigate dating at 35. 

The darkness I experienced during that time in my life helped propel me into the light that I’m able to exist within today. For that, I am truly thankful. I’ve never looked back on the situation with regret because there was a major lesson for me to learn around self-worth, and my desire for control. I became less reliant on tarot readings as I became more comfortable sitting in the unknown. I still get readings a few times a year but use them more for strategic planning than anxiety reduction.

Sometimes we just have to go through a situation and experience the fallout, no matter how hard our friends or family try to save us or direct us to a better path. Yes, we always want to think we know better, but in reality, we do our best with what we’ve got. And if we don’t have a framework for healthy relationships we’re likely to stumble until we figure it out.

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My Heartbreak Reading List

The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron

The Buddhist philosopher (beloved by Oprah) teaches us that beyond fear, we all have a state of openheartedness and tenderness—and shares the tools to help us deal with uncertainty. I recently purchased this on audiobook so I could come back to it as often as I need. 

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

You’ve probably seen this book a million times—but it is as good as they say. Tolle teaches us that we can find inner peace when we stop living in the past or in our future fantasies. But it’s a practice.

The Novice by Thich Nhat Hanh

This first buddhist philosophy book I ever read. It’s fiction but the powerful storytelling of a young monk who stays true to herself in the face of adversity is a story to hold on to. 

Love is Letting Go of Fear by Gerald G. Jampolsky

Consider this a 12-step program for self transformation and achieving peace of mind. 

Unrequited: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Romantic Obsession by Lisa A. Phillips

This book is part memoir, literary exposition with revealing case studies sprinkled in to explore women’s experiences with one-sided romantic obsessions, and how it can be channeled for self transformation. 

Attached by Amir Levine

The book I recommend to everyone to understand how their attachment style has shaped their interpersonal relationships.