WHAT KEEPS A SITUATIONSHIP FROM BECOMING A RELATIONSHIP? PART II

We’ve never explicitly talked about this, but did you ever want to date me seriously?

Charlie: Yeah, totally. Things get so convoluted, you build history, and sometimes that history is a little negative or weird things happen, then it's hard to do it. The part that was hard for me was there was a time I came to your house and saw something [evidence of another man being in my apartment]. I wasn't mad, you were just always giving me so much flack about being a player and just wanting to hook up, and you were doing your own thing too.

But at the same time—you never stated it explicitly to me. I was going through old GChat messages to see what I used to say to my friends about you—and there was one message that I sent to a friend that after we slept together, you were starting to text me a lot, and I was like, this is weird because he doesn’t usually send follow-up texts. There was a time when our relationship just felt more transactional, but as time grew on...

Charlie: That was another thing. There were times where it was ebb and flow, and I was trying to flow a little more, and you were stand-offish. Now that you mention it, I remember it well because it was frustrating. Then you would just give me so much ‘tude. I know you're not malicious, but why are you busting my chops when I’m trying to be sweet and talk more? You have a little bit of that nature to you—that for me, I'd be like, I don't know if I want to go down that avenue. But I remember that, I know we both had those moments. Getting past the little cat and mouse games, to just be like I’d just like to hang out. 

Yeah, it did feel like there was a power battle between us at times. And I will totally own up to it because that is part of my defense mechanism—I have a sarcastic attitude about me. I find it amusing, and it’s almost like I wanna see how much you can take. I told my friends once that I felt like I could say anything to you and I wouldn’t scare you off.

Charlie: Yeah, I know that game. And I’m like, okay, give me as much abuse as you need—but can we still hang out later? And that's what would frustrate me. Like fuck man—she’s really taking this one all the way. But you weren’t wrong for it. 

We all also come into a situation with our filters on each of our personal experiences. There was a part of me that was insecure about relationships, not to say that I was trying to test you, but I don’t know, I wanted you to really prove that you wanted it.

Charlie: And I should’ve. I dug my heels in the other way. I just wanted to be cool and not have to jump through hoops—that’s my thing. So it would just fizzle or not happen. It was kind of petty on my part. Stupid, now that I think about it. What was my real goal? How more focused on the win? Now, I think way differently. How many things do you miss out on? Like I knew what you wanted, but I was like, no, I have my principle. 

Anything you learned about yourself through this experience with me?

Charlie: If I’m talking to my younger self, I’d say, if you like somebody, and you want to be with them, even if it is sexual at first, there’s a good attraction—which is good, it should be that way— don’t let the petty stuff [get in the way]. When we’re younger, we think we’re so much older than we are. It’s good to be principled and having morals, but if you want something and you’re letting spite or vindictiveness or some ideal of how you think things you should be stand in the way from being with someone you want to be with—it’s just stupid. Time will go by, and it will be 10 years, and they’ll call you up to ask you to be in their newsletter.

People are able to stay connected more than ever, but those moments when it’s happening, that’s when it really matters. It’s cliche, but you really need to be in the present moment, and not let those awesome moments pass you by. You gotta look past your own shit sometimes and speak honestly to people. I do it much better now. I always thought I was pretty open, but honestly, say what you feel or what you want then the person can take it or leave it. Playing the game creates separation and nothing goes forward—both people lose. So I just wish we dated more and we never did. I’m still attracted to you. There’s a lot of people I did date that I don’t even think about. 

I will say that one of the things I really liked about you, that you always made me feel desired. And I really did feel like I could be myself with you, even if I couldn’t fully let my guard down. But that didn’t have anything to do with you personally…

Charlie: Yeah same. It’s kind of weird how you can meet someone who is a kindred spirit. Of course, there’s attraction. But I just never felt like I had to put it on. Even in those moments where we were having issues, we were just being stubborn. That's why we’re still friends and cool. There was never a bad moment. But being together always felt good. 

I feel really thankful for the experience I had with you. Sure, it was totally annoying at times. I was just such a late bloomer when it came to dating. You were maybe the third guy I was ever really involved with. And when I met you, I had just been ghosted maybe a few weeks prior by a guy that I was dating for 6 weeks. It was really the first time I had been ghosted.

Charlie: That's something I never really did. I just always thought that was really fucking rude when people did that. 

Yeah, which I appreciated! I never had that sense like oh my god, I’m never going to hear from him again.

Charlie: That's the bittersweet thing—two good people can find each other, good times, sparks fly, and for some reason things just don’t pan out—its fucking weird. I’ll be the first to admit it. 

A little while ago we were having a conversation—and you told me that it was fate why we met, and I thought that was really sweet. If you could go back and change anything, what would you change?

Charlie: Totally. We always enjoyed flirting and I always appreciated your witty, snarky banter, it was cute. I wish I would’ve just told you to shut up and let's go on some dates. I just know that we would’ve had a good time. I wish I wasn’t like, fuck this then if you’re gonna be this way then I’m not gonna do this. It just really wasn't how I felt. 

Why do you think we’ve remained in contact for all these years?

Charlie: I don't know… some people you just have a connection with, whether you like it or not, souls are souls, and you just know when you’ve connected with someone. 

Best relationship advice?

Charlie: You never know how things are gonna turn out. Relationships are work, they're not perfect. The love, the lust, can fade and come back. But I think when you like somebody, you gotta let the bullshit fall to the wayside, even if you think you're right. Because right beyond that is really what you want. Don’t let dumb shit or an argument get in the way. In our case, it was stupid to not have done more stuff together or to not really give it a chance. 

And now we’ll never know.

Charlie: Hey, you never know. You think we’ll be talking 10 years from now?