YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS WORTH MORE THAN YOUR CAREER
When Naomi Osaka quit the French Open back in June, I could only imagine the pain she felt having to walk away from something that she truly loves in order to save herself. Then last week, Simone Biles announced that she was withdrawing from the majority of her competitions at the Tokyo Olympics due to the strain on her mental health (she just announced early today that she will participate in her last competition). People on the internet have had endless criticism for what these two women have dared to do—as if somehow their decision to quit was the “easy way out.” To walk away while at the top of their game? Not only is that not an easy decision but it’s also practically unheard of. That’s how you know it must be serious, because there is a lot at stake for these women. The message they are sending to the world is so needed right now. Their situations made me reflect on times my own career made me unhappy, despite how badly I wanted it.
People have limits.
We should not abandon ourselves just to please others.
We cannot keep denying mental health, it’s a part of physical health.
It doesn’t matter how much money you make, sometimes it’s simply not worth suffering for your job.
At 24, I had to decide how much suffering I was willing to take to build a career in fashion. I’m not just talking about grueling hours and lugging heavy garment bags all over the city—my mental wellbeing was on the line. I was a fashion assistant at Cosmopolitan magazine, and just a few weeks on the job sparked anxiety like I had never experienced before. I reported to two editors who could serve the sweetest smiles, but their constant chastising words made my whole body seize. The anxiety I felt was relentless. I cried to my mom every evening when I got home, and then I’d require a pep talk to make it into the office again in the morning. I’ve blocked out so much of that time, but I felt like a freshman being hazed by seniors. The hazing got so bad that I needed a doctor to prescribe me Xanax so I could make it through the day. I was losing upwards of 10 pounds because of acute stress that kept me from being able to eat.
Our jobs are undeniably a huge part of us, and when things aren’t going right at work, it manages to seep into every facet of our lives. While I was desperately trying to keep my head above water, I met a guy who was everything I wanted. He was older, handsome with a hint of nerd, established in his music industry career with a side hustle that was on the fast track to success. During every date, I couldn’t help but talk about what shitty thing happened to me at work that week. No matter how hard I tried not to talk about it, someway somehow, it would slip out. He was a seemingly good sport and tried to be supportive—but I could feel my distress reverberate around us. I still cringe to this day when I think about how annoying I must have been. After a month, he ghosted me—my first time being ghosted too, ouch!
Not long after, I quit the assistant job. My leaving also inspired another assistant who was being mistreated to walk away. I only made it three months, and in the early aughts, this felt like possible career suicide. No one left their job before the one-year mark. How would you explain in your next interview? You couldn’t tell anyone that you were harassed or that your skin wasn’t thick enough to handle undue criticism. My only saving grace was that the job was technically freelance, but it still felt like a stain on my otherwise flawless resume.
There was nothing more that I wanted than to be in the fashion industry. I knew in my core that this was where I belonged. And getting both my feet in the door already felt like such an uphill battle considering I graduated during the 2008 recession, on top of being a young Black woman in a predominantly white, wealthy, and well-connected industry. Sure, I had great internships at Harper’s Bazaar, but that didn’t mean much when everyone was practically getting laid off. So when I got hired at Cosmo, it felt like a miracle to have even made it to that point. I thought I was built for this. I thought I had the backbone to deal with all the difficult characters I’d come across. But no, that job damn near broke me.
Though I felt a lot of relief, I remember feeling really helpless when I walked away from that job. With all the free time in the world, I spent the majority of it wallowing over the fact that I had no job and no music industry guy of my dreams. I definitely spiraled for a bit. My career dreams felt like they were slipping away, but I’m never one to give up completely. Eventually, I picked myself up and continued to work the few contacts I had to parlay into other opportunities. I assisted a few up-and-coming stylists, a few who cheated me out of money (the poor treatment continued!), and wrote shopping stories for a now-defunct fashion website until the universe answered my prayers. About 8 months after leaving Cosmo, I got a call from a former colleague to work at Bazaar.com.
I think most of us who’ve been in these kinds of toxic work situations know that it’s incredibly challenging to be our best selves when we’re under constant stress and duress. When we feel undervalued at our job, when we feel disrespected by our superiors or colleagues, when we see others quickly rising up the ranks while our careers stall out, when we’re denied promotions and raises that we’ve proven we’ve earned, when we’re expected to be available at any and all hours. None of these situations create environments that enable someone to produce their best work, it only robs us of our drive, confidence, self-worth, and sanity.
I’m not sure I believe in work/life balance, especially when you’re passionate about what you do, but I absolutely believe that boundaries are vital. People need limits, whether it’s not answering emails after 7pm, not working while you’re on vacation or being forced to work twice as hard leading up to vacation so that your absence isn’t a burden on your team, or designating what actually constitutes as “urgent.” Without boundaries, we cannot honor and protect ourselves, whether at work or even in our interpersonal relationships.
We’re constantly encouraged to be on our grind, work 24/7, be so busy you have little time to connect with people you really love or activities that bring you joy. That’s just not the life I want for myself. So, I have to stay honest and communicate with others about what I can and cannot handle. I am a very driven individual, and I want to be productive and create things of value, I also want ample rest and leisure time. I want to be creative just for the sake of being creative. I don’t want to be trapped by endless deadlines. I want the freedom that I always felt was missing in my previous career. I don’t want to suffer for my job because I’ve been there, and I know it’s not worth it. To me, being successful should not mean that I have to compromise my mental health. I’d like to think Naomi and Simone would agree with that as well.
I’ll admit, last week I was having a really down week. According to some of my Instagram followers, I wasn’t the only one. It’s been a while since I felt like I couldn’t bounce back within 2-3 days, but I had some outside influences that upped my stress levels over the last several weeks and my body was trying to recuperate. No meditation or walk in the sunshine could solve my overwhelming exhaustion. I truly felt depleted. And sometimes when we’re wrapped up in worrying about others, or own situations, or just feeling stressed, the first thing we let go of is our own self-care. So, the most important thing during these times is that I try to practice being gentle with myself. I don’t try to make myself feel worse because I’m not feeling like my usual self— that’s life, and we all have these moments. Instead, I try to give myself what I really need.
So here’s what I did:
I stayed in bed, and let myself rest or sleep as needed because that’s what my body was telling me to do.
I talked to my therapist, who asked me to identify what my needs were at that moment, which was honestly to feel comforted and taken care of.
I watched The Office because it's my favorite show that brings me comfort and familiarity—plus a good laugh.
I cried when I needed to.
I went outside but I didn’t force myself to exercise.
I talked to my family and close friends about how I was feeling.
I didn’t respond to texts or emails that didn’t require immediate attention.
I scheduled a massage at the end of the week which gave me something to look forward to—and the service itself helped me release any of the tension I was still holding on to.