The Books That Taught Me About Love
No matter what challenges I’ve faced in my love life, love remains my favorite subject—to talk about, read about, think about, and write about. Every challenge has been an opportunity for growth, and I’ve embraced them as a lifelong student of love. Over the years, I’ve dedicated time to learning all I can, soaking up wisdom in every form, whether real-life connections, podcasts, or books. And since Valentine’s Day is just two weeks away, I’m bringing you my ever-expanding list of my favorite books about love—stories that have shaped my perspective, sparked profound breakthroughs, deepened my understanding, and stayed with me long after I turned the last page. Whether you’re searching for the one, in love, healing from it, or simply fascinated by its many forms, there’s something here for everyone.
Do you have a book that’s expanded your understanding of love? Leave a suggestion in the comments.
Essays in Love by Alain de Botton
“There is usually a Marxist moment in every relationship, the moment when it becomes clear that love is reciprocated. The way it is resolved depends on the balance between self-love and self-hatred. If self-hatred gains the upper hand, then the one who has received love will declare that the beloved (on some excuse or other) is not good enough for them (not good enough by virtue of associating with no-goods). But if self-love gains the upper hand, both partners may accept that seeing their love reciprocated is not proof of how low the beloved is, but of how lovable they have themselves turned out to be.”
Before contemporary philosopher Alain de Botton went viral for his New York Times essay, “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person,” I knew him as the author of my favorite romantic novel. But this is not a typical love story. Instead, it’s a philosophical exploration of a couple who meet on a plane and navigate the complexities of falling in and out of love. De Botton weaves themes of attraction, fate, and the tension between fantasy and reality, layering in psychological insights and philosophical wisdom from Freud, Plato, and Stendhal. Witty and thought-provoking, this book will leave you reflecting on your own romantic history.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it. If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.”
This book had been sitting on my shelf for years, but I finally felt called to read it in 2023, as my first serious relationship was blossoming. Esther Perel is a rockstar in the psychology world, renowned for her expertise in sex and relationships. Reading this challenged the more fantastical and traditional ideas I had about relationships and longevity. She explores the very real paradox of maintaining passion in long-term relationships and explains why intimacy often conflicts with desire. Through insightful analysis and practical advice, Perel offers valuable tips on how to keep the fire.
It Begins With You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life by Jillian Turecki
“As much as some people want to heal, they're not always ready to make the necessary changes. As much as some people will say they want a loving, committed relationship, their choices say otherwise. Healing takes courage. Breaking patterns takes determination. Not only do we have to want more for ourselves, but we also have to believe we deserve what we want. An uncomfortable truth is that we have to want to heal. We have to be willing to reach deep within ourselves and touch the parts that are strong, determined, and certain. I believe we all have the capacity to overcome the relational patterns that are holding us back but we need others to believe in us and help show us the way.”
I just finished this book, and I WISH this existed when I was younger. Jillian Turecki has quickly ascended to be the hot new dating guru. I’m a loyal listener of her podcast, and I appreciate how she offers grounded, pragmatic advice on healing and navigating dating and relationships. Her book is part memoir, where she shares stories of being labeled “the difficult child” when her psychologist father, wrote a book about parenting her to her failed marriage. The nine hard truths she explores cover topics like the mind as a battlefield, lust vs. love, making peace with your parents, and the importance of choosing yourself. Through her own journey, she’s come out on the other side as someone who truly knows better and is now guiding a new generation toward healthier relationships.
Secure Love: Create the Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime by Julie Menanno
“Having attachment needs doesn’t make you “needy.” Clients frequently ask me, “Isn’t it codependent to expect my partner to meet all of these needs for me?” But the answer is no. Met attachment needs (and we’re only talking about met attachment needs, not every single need a person has) are simply what’s necessary to feel close to another person. They don’t make you whole, but they do make a loving relationship whole. That doesn’t mean your partner has to love you before you can love yourself. Our partners’ love can help us love ourselves, or help us expand upon the love we already have for ourselves, but their love can’t make us love ourselves—that needs to be happening independent of them.”
Attached by Amir Levine walked so this book could fly! Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist, is a beacon of light in the world of attachment theory. Her book will become the new bible for understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner. It covers anxious, avoidant, secure, and disorganized attachment styles—something that Attached famously left out. Menanno provides practical strategies for breaking old patterns, improving communication, and restoring intimacy.
Liberated Love: Release Co-Dependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire by Mark Groves and Kylie McBeath
“We often can’t differentiate between true intimacy and the high we get from this familiar cycle of love infused with dysfunction. We feel the high of love when we experience emotional connection after feeling its absence. We go from nothing to something and this feel-good feeling is being labeled as love, and we get hooked back into the dance—chasing the soothing we receive when connection is reciprocated. We anesthetize our pain with arousal and continual small affirmations of being chosen.”
I’ve been a long-time admirer of Mark Groves (also known as @createthelove) for both his work and his emotional intelligence. This book came out around the time of my breakup last year, and so I spent that first week of wallowing, listening to this audiobook. Co-written with his wife, it takes you on a journey through their somewhat unconventional path to marriage—much of it centered around what they call a “sacred pause.” Two years into their relationship, after repeatedly facing the same codependent patterns, they decided to break up (they even had a closing ceremony) with no intention of getting back together. In the 10 months they spent apart, after doing the necessary work on themselves, they eventually reunited. They’re now married with their first child. This book is a roadmap for breaking codependent patterns and creating a more conscious, healthy relationship.
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman’s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships by Harriet Lerner
“Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other.”
I wrote about this last year as my favorite book of 2024. While, yes, I will acknowledge that there’s some very outdated language (it was published in 1989), it is the feminist guide we need to navigate both romantic and family relationships. Lerner unpacks how anxiety, fear of abandonment, and family dynamics color the way we engage in our relationships. There were so many helpful strategies for breaking challenging dynamics with your loved ones. It gave me a lot to think about how I navigate my relationship with my mother. This is definitely a book I will come back to over and over again.
Love Illuminated: Exploring Life’s Most Mystifying Subject by Daniel Jones
“After all, love is for people who are ready to dream big and risk everything. Unfortunately, so is prison.”
If you’re a hopeless romantic like me and/or love the New York Times Modern Love column, this book is a must-read—or a perfect Valentine’s Day gift. Jones distills insights from the thousands of essays that have crossed his desk over the years into nine categories: pursuit, destiny, vulnerability, connection, trust, practicality, monotony, infidelity, loyalty, and wisdom. Rather than being prescriptive, I loved that this book illuminates the joys, sorrows, and intricacies of love with honesty, humor, and depth.
Unrequited: Love and Women by Lisa A. Phillips
“Unsatisfied desire allows us to imagine we have found the one who will make us whole, because we haven’t yet tested the fit. The not-yet relationship becomes strangely comfortable, at least compared to the risk of finding out your beloved’s half-self won’t conform to your own.”
Years ago, when I was in a terrible situationship, my therapist suggested I might be plagued with romantic obsession. Duh, I’m a Pisces. But he suggested I read this book. I found it to be a very insightful read about what goes on in our brains when you really can’t get over someone who is not capable or interested in being in a relationship with you. The intense longing can be all-consuming and sometimes lead to compulsive or self-destructive behavior. This author takes historical and psychological research and personal anecdotes to examine why romantic obsession happens and how it can be a powerful catalyst for personal transformation.
All About Love by Bell Hooks
“One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. There was a time when I felt lousy about my over-forty body, saw myself as too fat, too this, or too that. Yet I fantasized about finding a lover who would give me the gift of being loved as I am. It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself. This was a moment when the maxim "You can never love anybody if you are unable to love yourself" made clear sense. And I add, "Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give yourself.”
A book that needs no introduction. You cannot read this without being changed on some cellular level. The quote above has been serious fuel for my own personal growth in the last year. She writes a sharp critique of what our modern society thinks love is, but I much prefer her evolved take. Her definition of love as “a will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s personal growth” is something I think about at least once a day.
Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn
“Love is not a state of enthusiasm. It's a verb. It implies action, demonstration, ritual, practices, communication, and expression. It's the ability to take responsibility of one's own behavior. Responsibility is freedom.”
I bought this over the summer in London while I was taking a break from dating. It’s easy to get caught up on romantic love, but this book is deeply thoughtful about all types of love, romantic, familial, friendships, and most importantly, self-love. Through conversations with legends like Alain de Botton, Roxanne Gay, and Esther Perel, Lunn captures all of love’s nuances.
7 Principles For Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman
“Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind—but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage.”
I asked my therapist bestie for her favorite relationship book, and she immediately named this classic from John Gottman. John and his wife, Julie Gottman, are legends in their field, revolutionizing the study of couples, marriage, and divorce. This book encourages partners to truly know each other—their hopes, dreams, and fears—to turn toward one another’s bids for connection, and to create shared meaning through shared goals, values, and rituals.
Ask a Matchmaker: Matchmaker Maria’s No-Nonsense Guide to Finding Love by Maria Avgitdis (Pre-Order)
Maria is no stranger to this newsletter. She’s my friend and a fourth-generation matchmaker/dating expert. I first met her while interviewing her for a Bazaar.com story about being daring in dating, and she left such an impression on me that day. Maria has always been a straight shooter who tells it like it is, even when it’s uncomfortable to hear. Over the past few years, her dating advice has taken over the internet—from her 12-date rule to #GreenTheory to her firm stance that women shouldn’t move in with their boyfriends without a ring (if they desire marriage). Through Instagram alone, she’s already helped countless women find the love they deserve, and I have no doubt this book will continue to change lives when it drops in May.
A few Valentine’s Day goodies to give or receive
You cannot go wrong with this cute candle set.
If he doesn’t write love notes I don’t want him.
Who doesn’t want one of these brushes? But this V-day edition is extra cute.
For those cooking your way into someone’s heart. Couldn’t be me though!