MASTERING THE ART OF SELF-SOOTHING

I’ve gone through a major personal growth spurt in the last few months. It’s most obvious to me in how I respond when I’m triggered in relationships. When I get triggered (especially if it’s an attachment wound), a sense of urgency lights up within the pit of my stomach like a spark of fire that quickly radiates to every corner of my body. It hijacks my brain and makes it impossible for me to think about anything other than… I need to act, I need to fix, I need reassurance, and/or I need the person who has triggered me to make me feel better.  

A part of me has always judged this vulnerable side of myself. Why am I like this? I wish I could just make this GO AWAY. I’m better than this. I should know better. It feels like such a weak part of me, and I don’t like to see myself as weak. 

This is precisely where the work starts.

My best friend (who is a therapist) was the first person to challenge me to sit down and acknowledge this feeling one night when I was worked up. As soon as I actually focused my attention on the feeling—it suddenly started to subside. That’s when I realized I had to sit with the fire, that burning sensation emanating from my stomach. Others might feel a sensation in their chest, neck, or head when triggered or having an emotionally intense experience. I’ve had to make friends with it and honor what the feeling is trying to tell me. I can’t shame it into going away, as much as I have tried in the past. The only way through is to love that part of me even more fiercely—and recognize the wisdom that comes from it. 

This is where self-soothing comes in. Self-soothing is a practice that helps someone feel safe, get back into their body, and regulate their emotions. It’s very personal and will differ for everyone. Here are a few things that help me:

I talk to myself

I like to chant to myself out loud. I will often think about a younger version of myself while I'm doing this because I know she is the one who is holding this pain. So I’ll say things like..

I am safe

I’m not going anywhere

I will never leave you
I’ve got you, no matter what 

Go for a walk outside

This helps me get back into my body and takes me out of hyper-focusing on whatever is upsetting me. I make a point to really notice the trees, the sky, the birds, the flowers—anything to keep myself in the present moment—and I will also talk to myself on the walk. 

Take a Shower

When I'm really activated I tend to shower A LOT. I think the water just feels really restorative for me when I'm in this state. Is it because I’m a water sign? I don't know, but it feels like a reset. It's helpful to also imagine washing away negative feelings. 

Journaling 

This has been a self-soothing tactic for me since childhood. Getting all my thoughts and feelings on paper can help to ease whatever I'm feeling so that I don't feel like I'm just keeping everything inside my mind. It helps me process. I do tend to journal more when I'm upset or dealing with something difficult, but recently, when I was in a really positive and empowered state my therapist encouraged me to journal about that feeling because future me will be thankful if she ever needs a reminder of my resilience. 

Meditation

Dr. Kristen Neff's 20-minute self-compassion meditations are so transcedent for me. I try to do them most days, but when I'm really feeling activated, her meditations always help me regulate myself, and get to a place where I can hear my own intuition.  

Talking to friends 

I am an external processor and friends who allow us to be vulnerable without judgement are really essential. I’m grateful to friends who make themselves available to be in the trenches with me. I also try to be mindful of giving friends a heads up if I need to air out something that's emotionally intense to make sure they have the bandwidth for it.

Reading/Listening to audiobooks 

My old reliables are Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and Pema Chodron’s The Places That Scare You. They help me zoom out of my life and gain some perspective. So much of our anxiety, worries, and frustrations can come from wanting control over something outside of ourselves or worrying about the past or the future. So, I appreciate spiritual texts that remind me that we can only find peace within ourselves in the present moment. I’ve read both books in physical forms but sometimes when I’m activated it’s nice to listen to the authors as if they’re sharing their wisdom with me privately.

I'm no master at self-soothing just yet, but through these practices (coupled with an amazing therapist), I have felt a big reduction in that sense of urgency when I'm triggered. My tolerance for sitting in my own discomfort has increased—and that's always been really tricky for me in dating. It's such an important skill to have though because we never want to act out or make decisions when we're in highly activated states (I've been there many times before). Ultimately, it's helped me understand that even though I have anxious attachment tendencies, it doesn't have to rule my life. I can rely on myself and I can find my center, and make decisions from a secure place.