HOW TO ENFORCE BOUNDARIES, HELP A STRUGGLING FRIEND, & BUILD CONFIDENCE
Even at my big age, it still stumps me when friends or family don’t seek help for their mental health. As someone who is very invested in personal growth and knows how much my life has improved through therapy, I hate to see people struggling when I know that there are professionals who could alleviate their pain or help them turn their lives around.
Things don’t always have to feel this hard.
But that’s one of life’s biggest lessons, right? We can’t help those who don’t want help or aren’t ready for help. We can’t want more for someone than they want for themselves. It’s a decision everyone has to make for themselves. It’s like when you don’t like your friend’s new boyfriend. No matter how much you tell her he’s not good enough for her, she’s never going to listen until she figures it out for herself. It's also important to remember that other people's problems often seem so clear to us, but we don't always know all the factors in play and what keeps them from seeking help. The only thing we have control over is ourselves, and the best we can do in these situations is take care of ourselves.
Anyway, my therapist BFF is back this week to answer more of your pressing mental health questions below!
Does therapy work for everyone?
Certainly, therapy does not work for everyone. Humans have had healing practices long before Freud and the development of psychotherapy or “the talking cure.” If you’re curious about starting therapy, take some time to center yourself on what you want to get from therapy and what attributes you are looking for in a therapist.
How the HELL do I get myself to actually start going?
Therapy is hard work and can bring up so much emotionally, physically, spiritually. There can also be real barriers in accessing therapy: finances, time or child care constraints, finding the right therapist. If these barriers are not part of the equation and it's more of an emotional barrier, can you take time and sit with yourself to consider what is keeping you from going? Is it fear of what may come up? Belief that therapy won’t help? Shame around seeking help? Jotting down your thoughts might help you to navigate any ambivalence you may have about starting.
Is it important to go to a therapist who is from the same background as you?
It is! Sadly, I have been in trainings where white therapists have made racial micro-aggressions, been fatphobic, and cannot tolerate being called out or taking accountability. THAT IS NOT OK, and it makes me very scared they are causing harm to their clients.
If you are queer, a person of color, non-binary, come from a particular religious background, have a chronic illness, are a person in a large body, are an immigrant, or a child of immigrants, look for a therapist who actively holds space for you and communicates a knowing and welcoming of your identities.
What to do during awkward pauses? Or what to do when you don't really have anything to say?
Can you name this experience as it's happening in session? It would be helpful to be curious about discomfort with quiet and pausing. I would also explore what is happening that you don’t have anything to say. Are you having an anxious response during which your mind is going blank? Have you lost the thread of what overarching goals you are working on? Do you need a break? Sometimes not knowing what to say when you know there are things to say is a way our body and minds might be communicating “I can’t go there yet” or “I need some space.” It's ok to honor that need for space.
How can therapy help deal with anxiety about what’s going on in the world?
Most therapists will use a combination of emotional processing and teaching coping strategies. Emotional processing entails holding non-judgmental space for what is coming up for you that is making you anxious. Coping strategies like grounding and mindful breathing can help you deal with the intense sensations, thoughts, and emotions that come up in our bodies when we feel anxious.
Can a therapist help with confidence issues and developing self-worth?
Yes, and there are practices you can do without a therapist. So many people go to therapy to increase their confidence and self-worth. You will likely explore what external forces impact your confidence and self-worth while also bringing in practices that can strengthen your sense of self and confidence. I love the children’s book “I Can Do Hard Things” by Gabi Garcia. It speaks to my inner child! See what it's like to say to yourself, “I can do hard things,” in a moment where you are having low-grade confidence issues. Starting any coping or soothing practice when emotional intensity is lower is key! Then we can be well prepared when we have more intense emotions. What is it like if you keep this practice going when you encounter confidence issues? My guess is that with time this can help soften an inner critic who is second-guessing you.
Does having body dysmorphia mean that I am mentally unwell?
If body dysmorphia is negatively impacting your mental health, therapy can be a helpful place to heal your relationship with your body. As a culture, we are deeply unwell when it comes to body shape and size. Thinness does NOT equal health! Fatphobia is historically rooted in anti-Blackness (See “Fearing the Black Body” by Sabrina Strings). It is so crucial to start from this premise because what we take in from the world around us can considerably impact how we feel about ourselves. Body dysmorphia means that we don’t see ourselves accurately, are preoccupied with some perceived (usually imagined) flaw in our body or appearance, and that causes feelings of anxiety, shame, frustration, disgust, despair, etc. These feelings then interrupt our ability to feel joyful, content, and connected to ourselves and others. It also keeps us internally preoccupied, spending time and money to attain a goal that is not a true measure of beauty.
What do you do if someone you love isn’t good with boundaries (can be triggering) but has good intentions?
Does your loved one know your boundaries? As frustrating as it may be, we often have to continue to repeat our boundaries to others. If you are triggered and can remove yourself from this situation, that in itself is setting a boundary. You could name why you are doing it, “I’ve asked you not to talk about XYZ. I need a break, and I am going to take a walk now.” With both your words and behavior, hopefully your loved one can learn your boundaries and come to expect that certain subjects or behaviors are off-limits. Also, consider that the intention of the boundary is to care for yourself, and hopefully, it helps you stay safely connected to your loved one.
How to help a depressed friend who refuses to acknowledge the problem and consider therapy?
I feel for you and your friend. It is so hard to be depressed and stuck, and it's hard to bear witness to suffering. Ultimately, your friend has to be ready and want to go to therapy. I would shift your focus from “how do I get them to acknowledge the problem” to “how can I best care for myself in the context of this relationship?” Hold compassion for yourself and your friend, knowing that they just might not be ready. If you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or think you need to fix their depression when speaking to your friend, consider what you might need. Can you take deep breaths? Can you notice when you are feeling overwhelmed and give yourself some boundaries about how much can you hold? Do you notice an impulse to fix/repair/or make better? What would it be like to just notice that impulse and ride it out rather than responding from it?
As a therapist, how do you practice self-care?
While I am not someone who is highly structured in my self-care routine, there are a few self-care practices that feel really good for my mind and body. I practice self-compassion which means I am mindful of using a kind inner voice when I am having a hard time. I try to move my body in some way usually by walking, stretching or dancing. Lately I have been doing walking meditations where I am guided to bring my focus to my present surroundings, my body and engage my 5 senses (taste, touch, smell, hear, feel).
If you missed last week’s newsletter, you can see Melanie’s guide to finding or breaking up with a therapist here.
Before you go...
Jupiter is officially in Pisces! The planet of good luck and abundance is happiest in this sign— and everyone will feel expansiveness in some area of their life. Read how this will affect your sign via Chani Nicholas
The Gift of Deep Listening: How your presence and attention can impact those you love via Psychology today.
The Nervous Person’s Guide to Re-Entering Society: How to cope with a less cautious world as pandemic restrictions loosen via NYTimes.
Have a Nice Trip: Writer Rachel Feltman tried to address her PTSD through therapy and conventional drugs. Then she decided to get high on ketamine via Popular Science.
The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships: As people, and as a culture, Alain de Botton says, we would be much saner and happier if we reexamined our view of love via On Being podcast.