DOES ‘WORKING ON OURSELVES’ AUTOMATICALLY MEAN WE FEEL FLAWED?
Mental Health Awareness month is almost coming to a close! The topic of mental wellness can be pretty overwhelming—there’s much to cover, whether it’s anxiety, depression, accessing therapy, or self-care. Throughout this month, I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of “working on ourselves.” Probably since I got my first copy of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, I’ve been inspired to work on myself, and I often cite wanting to be “the best version of myself.” But sometimes, saying this can be met with an eye roll.
What does that actually mean?
Does working on ourselves automatically mean that we feel flawed?
What is the catalyst for our self-improvement?
With all the self-help books and therapy, it’s easy to get stuck in a loop of self-improvement. As some are quick to point out, wanting to “improve” oneself means you think there’s something that needs to be fixed. And if we’re coming at it from that approach, you better believe we’re always going to find something about ourselves that needs to be “fixed.”
When I was desperate for a secure, committed relationship throughout my twenties, I felt like something was always keeping me from the happy relationship I desired and knew I deserved. Was there some secret that people in relationships knew that I didn’t? If only I could find the missing piece to the puzzle, then maybe I could unlock the secret to what stopped me from being truly lovable. Maybe then I’d have everything I wanted.
The idea that we need to love ourselves before we find love constantly confused me—I never actually considered that I didn’t love myself. It just felt like others couldn’t see what I saw in myself.
In hindsight, that feeling probably had a lot to do with the fact that I went to PWIs—but that’s for another newsletter! While I believe that saying to be true on a certain level—let's be real, there are many people who aren’t the poster children for self-love who still find love. So, I threw myself into reading about self-love, the science of relationships, attachment styles, and trauma. But true love still escaped me! My curiosity grew, especially as I was often consulted by friends navigating typical turbulent millennial relationships.
I’ve spent countless hours unpacking my relationship to intimacy: the part of me that wants it and the part of me that is terrified of it— even with platonic relationships at times. What's really shifted my perspective is understanding how my parents' and their parents' own trauma has informed my view of relationships. The impact of trauma is something we can’t really escape—it’s embedded in our genes. Instead of trying to “fix” this, I’ve learned to hold greater awareness for the parts of me that are scared and learn to have compassion around that. And as I’ve grown to understand myself and my needs, I’ve figured out how to fulfill those needs. Over time, it’s relieved the weight of insecurity I felt around my relationship status for years because I stopped craving the validation of a romantic partner.
Now, this isn’t all just to benefit me but also the people I come in contact with every day—whether that's friends, family, or potential love interests. Having a level of emotional awareness makes it easier to stop projecting your problems or taking out your frustrations onto those around you. Whenever someone does something that triggers a pain point or insecurity in me—I’m able to recognize it and take a time out to gather myself (or call a friend). It’s been incredibly eye-opening to discern what drives us as humans: our needs. Basic needs look like autonomy, appreciation, closeness, empathy, self-worth, honesty, love, and respect. When these needs are not acknowledged and honored, that causes us to feel emotions like anger, disappointment, embarrassment, loneliness, and sadness. To see our human existence from this level is power, and at times it can be a double-edged sword. It’s fulfilling to do this work, but it can come with frustration when others in your life don’t care to do the same or maybe aren’t evolving at the pace you are.
Ultimately, that's why I started this newsletter and want to continue to build this community as a resource for those who are interested in self-discovery, healing, and putting yourself first even when you're told it's selfish or something to be ashamed of.
This work has given me the confidence to stand up straighter in the world as a Black woman and as a highly sensitive person. It’s helped me handle conflict and recognize my needs, it teaches me how to navigate the dark days with grace—and the clarity to know that I don’t need to have everything figured out at this moment.
Self-Care is For Every Day
Self-care looks different for everyone because we all have different needs. Cultivating a self-care routine helps us feel connected to ourselves, and teaches us ways to self-soothe in times of need. In turn, this can make us more present for the people we love. But there’s no need to put pressure on yourself around having an extensive checklist or only designating it to Sundays. It’s not about luxurious treatments and face masks—but it’s okay if that’s part of what makes you feel good. If you don’t find an activity fulfilling, then it’s not self-care. Do what feels right, experiment with new activities, or reconnect with something you loved as a kid. Your self-care routine can constantly evolve. My self-care often looks like a combination of a few things from this list...
Meditation via Headspace or doing breathing exercises is probably one of the easiest ways I take care of my self.
Music can get me in my feels, it can boost my energy, and put me in any headspace I desire depending on my playlist. I tend to listen to music way more than I watch TV.
Dancing has been a passion of mine since I was a kid. I studied ballet and tap, and much like music it just really helps me connect to myself and my body. During the pandemic dancing truly kept me sane whether I was tuning into Forward Space’s IG Lives or learning TikTok dances.
Journaling is my oldest self-care practice! It’s been a habit of mine since I was in 3rd grade writing about my crushes. Now I use it for processing feelings, or manifesting the future.
Walking and just being outside, even when I don’t feel like it, never fails to help me clear my head.
Taking a bath (or being in a body of water when I can) is crucial for me as a pisces. I love adding epsom salts, oils, candles, and of course music.
Talking to friend I couldn’t live without the people who are always there for me, whether that’s to celebrate my wins, or hold space for my problems.
Reading always makes me feel good because I love learning new things. I’m constantly ordering new books before I’ve finished what’s already at my bedside—but I also love to revisit my classics.
Therapy is life!
Coloring is an activity I reconnected with over the last few years. I used to be obsessed with art and drawing as a kid. There was a brief moment in second grade when I wanted to be a cartoonist, and even took a special drawing class after school. Adult coloring books are a go-to for stressful moments and especially when I’m flying.
via @melanatedmomma