HOW TO SAVE A FRIENDSHIP
Friendship breakups really don’t get enough credit for how devastating they can be. Millions of people wax poetic about romantic relationships falling apart, but what about the friends that break our hearts? For some, the ending of a friendship is even more traumatic. There’s a reason why we call them our BFFs— we expect that they’re always going to be there until the very end, right? The reality is, much like everything else in our lives, friendships come and go, they ebb and flow, they evolve as we do—and sometimes they end with little to no warning.
I haven’t experienced many friendship breakups, but the most significant one happened exactly 5 years ago with my friend Neelou Malekpour. We met in 2011 through a mutual friend and bonded instantly. She lived in LA, but every time she came to New York we went to dinners, parties, and took long walks all over the city. We shared every painful detail about our love lives over text and GChat. She’s the one who introduced me to Notes From The Universe and got me to start meditating again in my adult years. We traveled together, spent summers in Montauk, got crushed by crowds at Coachella, celebrated my 30th birthday in Palm Springs in 2016, and then 3 months later, our friendship crumbled over a text exchange.
Trust has always been of the utmost importance in my relationships—trust that someone will hold space for me to be the open and vulnerable person I am without judgment. For the most part, those who I’ve been drawn to and formed close relationships with have done that without question. Someone making me feel emotionally unsafe can be a real dealbreaker for me. Is it too harsh to cut someone out of your life? Over the last 6 months I’ve been exploring with my therapist why it has often felt intolerable for me when I’m disappointed by friends.
Have you ever had to cut a friend out of your life or been iced out of a friend’s life? Even when you’re the one doing it, it’s not always an easy decision, it can come with a lot of guilt. But my therapist says, “sometimes it’s necessary. Consider the alternative; lingering in a relationship that is damaging, not growthful, or not good for either party. Sometimes someone needs to lose a friend in order to come to grips with the fact that they have behavior changes that need to happen.”
In October 2020 Neelou reached out to me—as she did from time to time—usually I wouldn’t respond but this time I decided to write back. It actually felt like she came back into my life at just the right time. Below we rehash how things fell apart and the road to recovery. This isn’t about who’s right or who’s wrong, but how well we are able to navigate each other’s shit.
Read the edited interview below, or you can listen to our full conversation.
Chrissy: Do you remember the first time we met? I don’t really remember it so I don’t really have any first impressions.
Neelou: I think we had lunch in New York City. I remember you were stressed out about finding a job and were actively looking for work.
Chrissy: So that was probably around 2010/2011. When we met you were living in LA but we spent a lot of time together when you came to the east coast. Then you moved to NYC in 2015, and we became much much closer. Do you remember that time and what our friendship was like?
Neelou: Connecting with you felt natural—our friendship felt good from the beginning, and we had so much fun together. There was a lot of chaos in my life around that time that I moved back to NYC— there were so many things up in the air. Hanging out with you always felt easy, and that sense of feeling like you’re at home.
When we were living in the same neighborhood, we would go on walks every night that were like therapy sessions. We would take turns helping each other process whatever was going on in our lives. There was little judgment between us. I felt comfortable to be completely authentic around you. Since I don’t have any siblings, you were someone that really felt like a sister to me.
Chrissy: Yes, I really leaned on you a lot that year when I was caught up in a toxic situationship. You were always the voice of reason when I needed advice, and you felt like a big sister to me. There was definitely no judgment which made it really easy to connect. I always felt like if Neelou said something was going to be okay, it was going to be okay. We spent so much time together when you moved to New York, and then our friendship really crumbled in one day. Do you want to give your side first?
Neelou: I know you can’t tell the tone of a text, but I thought you were joking the day you texted me saying, “OMG I think I have Zika.” I legitimately thought it was a joke or you were exaggerating. You did often complain of physical ailments and sometimes with a joking manner—so I think I was interpreting it through that lens. So I said I’m sure you don’t have it—and I was very dismissive because it just seemed so outside the realm of possibility to me.
But then you actually turned out to be sick when I checked in with you days later. I felt really bad and offered to send you soup, asked you multiple times if you needed anything, and you were dismissive. And then we got into this dumb fight via text, probably while you were still sick, where I said, “You get sick a lot.”
I tried to share that I also used to get sick a lot, I was the most sickly child. I had strep throat so many times I became resistant to antibiotics. My health drastically improved when I changed things around— both physically and mentally. So, I suggested maybe there was a life change you needed to make—and it really upset you.
Immediately, I was feeling like, “fuck, why did I say that? Why do I say stuff like this to people?” I apologized profusely, but you were mad. There are probably a lot of specifics I don’t remember, but you just kind of shut off—and we didn’t speak for a while.
Chrissy: So for those who don’t know, in 2016 I contracted Zika Virus after a trip to Jamaica. I was bedridden for over a week with symptoms like a full-body rash, fever, headache, aching joints, pink eye. In general, I think most people were pretty dismissive about it because they were in disbelief and didn’t want me to be scared. So I think it felt even more frustrating when I texted you who’s supposed to be one of my closest friends, and you brushed me off—giving me the “you’re always sick” line. Then it all spiraled when you reached out to me when I was really in the thick of the being sick. I told you what I was going through, and you made some comments that basically insinuated that maybe if I had made certain life changes, perhaps I wouldn’t be as sick as I was. It sent me into an emotional tailspin. I had a virus caused by a mosquito, so trying to bring up my life choices as a cause for my pain just really hurt my feelings.
Neelou: Sometimes my wanting to help people ends up with me sounding holier than thou. I’ve always had such a negative connotation of western medicine—and have always felt skeptical of the impact that they have on our immune system and our ability to fight off illness. Of course, at the moment, I didn't realize how sick you were. But I also didn’t ask! I didn’t know all the symptoms you were experiencing. I know that I was insensitive.
Chrissy: I just think it was the fact that you tried to insinuate that somehow it was my fault that cut so deep. Here I am thinking, this person should know me, but they’re trying to put blame on me. Days after this exchange, I did consider maybe I was blowing it out of proportion, but I had such a visceral reaction. So I wrote you an email laying out what I was feeling—being sick makes me feel extremely vulnerable. Mind you, I was also going through this brand new virus alone, there was nothing I could take for it, my mom could only spend a day with me, and I was essentially bedridden for a week.
Neelou: When I got your email, it felt overwhelming to me after apologizing so many times. At that point, I realized how much you being upset with me had affected me. You asked for space, and I decided I would give you space.
It’s ironic because I recently had Covid, and for someone who hasn't even had the flu in more than 5 years, it was a very humbling experience. I’ve never been so sick in my entire life, the bone aches were so bad I couldn’t really walk. And I live alone, so the whole thing was really scary. I thought about how you were probably feeling similar when you had Zika, and I can understand your reaction now when I wasn’t able to in that moment.
Chrissy: Then I finally came around by July and decided, okay, I’ve had time to process this—I’m still not feeling 100% okay with you, but you’re one of my closest friends, we should work this out, Iet’s talk, and I reached out.
Neelou: Yeah, and by the time you reached out, I was feeling resentful. I saw the article you wrote for Bazaar about your experience with Zika, which literally started off [anonymously] quoting my text to you — that just felt like such a fuck you because I felt it painted such a terrible portrayal of me and our relationship. We were such close friends, we had so many shared experiences of comradery and love, but you took this one moment where, without any ill intention, I made a really shitty mistake, and you shared it with millions of readers. It deeply hurt me. I was like, “Oh wow, it’s like that.”
So when you reached out in July saying you’re ready to talk, I was like, oh no, we're not cool. I didn’t explain my feelings to you, and I didn’t wanna get into it because at the end of the day, you’re a writer and you’re allowed to say whatever you want to say. I’m not here to police anyone on their side. At that point, I’d shut down. By the time I got over those feelings, you weren’t talking to me again. Now looking back on it, I can see there was so much miscommunication.
Chrissy: It’s also learning how to navigate other people’s triggers and trauma right? I had some understanding at the time, but now I can see even more clearly today the vulnerability I have around being sick—and understandably so considering my history. I had Lyme Disease around 11 years old. After that my doctors thought I might have Lupus. Not to mention, my struggle with anxiety. I spent a good portion of my childhood in and out of the doctor's office trying to solve various medical mysteries. So, someone saying to me “oh you’re always sick,” hurts because it feels like there’s judgement in that statement. Like, “oh you’re choosing to be sick.” That’s what it feels like.
Neelou: I just had no clue what was happening for you. I had no idea that other people told you that you were always sick, or the illnesses you battled in your childhood. I didn’t realize this was a point of trauma for you, in the way that I understood your anxiety. We all have our own sensitivities, and I wasn’t aware this could cause emotional upheaval for you. Also consider that everything was happening via text and email. If we were face to face, I probably wouldn’t have said that to you. At the end of the day, the thing about friendships is you need to be understanding of your people’s wounds. I just didn’t know what I had stepped into— until you told me via email.
Chrissy: And I didn’t think you were trying to be malicious. It just felt like, oh I trusted you—and you made me feel this way. Now I don’t feel safe. I’ve always considered myself to be a pretty forgiving person, but there have been times where someone breaks my trust—and something just snaps inside of me. I’m done with you. I don’t care.
Neelou: This experience opened my eyes to how intolerant I can be with regard to people who are chronically ill or just don’t feel well and has made me a lot more sensitive in that respect. I realized there was also something triggering for me. I am usually a very empathetic person—but this experience revealed another side of me and that realization was surprising to me. Because of what happened between us, I’m able to better recognize when that’s coming up for me and be more cognizant of how I can affect others.
It was such a shitty thing to happen, but I really learned from it. I have very much changed my behavior in a real way. Also, I don’t fight with people over text— I’ll just pick up the phone and call or facetime them. We stopped being friends over this for so many years, and it just seems stupid in retrospect. The whole thing snowballed—I really learned from that.
Chrissy: Yeah, I think if we were going through this again today—I probably just wouldn’t have responded to your text, I wouldn’t have engaged in the back and forth. But then we had a real reconciliation attempt in 2018. We met face to face, talked everything out, tears were shed, we hugged. But I wasn’t really ready to be friends again.
Neelou: I feel like I have a PhD in forgiveness because having bad blood with someone, it eats away at me. I would rather just forgive and move on. For you, it seems to be different— like when you get hurt, you get hurt in a way that there’s more of a shutdown. I just didn’t realize you could be upset at me for so long. To me, I was like, well I’m over it, and it didn’t occur to me that you might not be there.
Chrissy: Yeah and I wouldn’t say that shutdown happens often with friends—but something about this incident hurt me in a way that I think is still hard for me to really explain. So, over the last 2 years we’ve been in touch sporadically. You’d text me, and sometimes I’d respond, but most of the time I wouldn’t. Why did you decide to reach out in October?
Neelou: I reached out to you without any agenda—and I took a lot of time to consider whether it was appropriate. I think I had a dream about you, and I was like, wow, I still miss Chrissy. I don’t miss other friends, but I missed you. And you never know when someone is gonna die or get sick. It had just been such a weird year. I wanted to reach out to you— just to say I’m thinking of you, still love you, with zero expectation. It felt authentic to do so.
Chrissy: Yeah, and something felt different at that time for me. Maybe it was the Mercury retrograde at the time or the global pandemic. I felt much more receptive to your text. Were you surprised I responded?
Neelou: Maybe a little, but I had no expectations, so it almost felt natural. Now, we are a lot closer than we have been in years, but I don’t think we’re friends again the way we used to be. I don’t know if we will ever be, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. We’re on our way to healing our relationship.
Chrissy: I've said this to you before, but I’m sure you could’ve made those comments to a lot of other people, and they would’ve brushed you off. I think it was just a perfect storm, me feeling scared, alone, and not fully supported. I felt a lot of guilt over the years but at the end of the day, I couldn’t help the way I felt. I think there’s still a little part of me that feels apprehensive about reconnecting, but I’m glad we’ve been able to find a way to repair little by little.
So now, 5 years later, looking back on all of this, what advice do you have for those who might be going through their own friendship breakup?
Neelou: Two things…
1. Nobody can actually know what you’re going through. Even if they love you and you’re the closest person to them, you can never really know what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes.
2. There’s an unrealistic expectation (especially amongst women) that your friend is never going to make a mistake that might be quite hurtful for you. We’re all going to hurt one another to different degrees if we’re friends long enough. The closer you are in your friendship with someone, the more vulnerable you are, and the greater the chance of that person hurting you.
So, how do you want to handle that? What other facets of that relationship are important to you? You have to decide. It’s Disney-fairytale thinking, whether it’s your man, woman, or BFF, that that person is somehow never going to hurt you in a devastating way.
On an esoteric level, we attract people to learn certain lessons. The people who are the closest to us are the ones who are probably going to hurt us the most at some point. But also, that level of pain comes with a beautiful connection and camaraderie that more shallow relationships don’t have. It’s not for the faint of heart. Not everyone is capable of love to this degree.
Before you go...
One of my favorite astrologers Alice Bell just dropped her latest podcast episode about the astrology of friendships via Apple Podcast
Instead of Waiting for Motivation, Build Habits via Psychology Today
Forget About Going Back to the Office—People Are Quitting Instead via WSJ
via @alex_elle