WOULD YOU RATHER BE HAPPY OR BE RIGHT?
For so many months, I’ve been trying to figure out how to stop arguing with my parents. It’s really, really hard. Arguments sprout up almost daily about the most mundane things, everything from leaving a light on to them telling me to put away my breakfast cereal when I haven’t even finished eating. I feel constantly triggered by their (but mainly my mom’s) need for control. I might be a sensitive little Pisces, but my Mercury is in Aries, and so I love a good verbal battle—especially when I know I’m right or I feel the need to remind my parents I’m an adult too. However, it doesn’t matter how right I am or how much of an adult I am, I can never actually win a fight with my parents. Why? Because they’re older, they’re my parents, it’s their home—and as the saying goes, the house always wins.
I simply did not want to accept this.
However, after every tiff, I feel guilty, and I replay the exact moment where I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. It does not make me feel good to fight with them. It pretty much goes against the peace of mind I am trying to cultivate on a daily basis.
How to deal with my parents has been the number one topic I discuss with my therapist since I moved back home. Over the last few months, my therapist has been asking me: Would you’d rather be right or be happy?
At first, I responded I wanted to be right. Why would I want to concede???
Things didn’t really click for me until I realized how much it seemed like my mother and I were trying to change each other. I don’t think anyone enjoys feeling like someone else is trying to change them. So, I have to remind myself that my parents are who they are. They did not grow up with the right tools to communicate their needs effectively or resolve conflict. But I know better because I do the work. So, I have to use the skills I’ve cultivated to stop situations from spiraling.
Now I’m choosing to be happy over being right. At least when it comes to my parents—because fighting never brings anyone closer together, and at least for the next few months (or until NYC real estate stops being so damn competitive!) I am still living under their roof. Honestly, I’ve felt a lot of relief these last two months or so since I’ve managed to shift this perspective. It has not been an easy road to get here by any means— it’s taken me literally over a year—and it’s still something I’m actively practicing and have to repeat to myself daily.
Ultimately, it’s been a great reminder that healing happens on its own time. We can’t force it to come, we can’t rush it, or pressure ourselves into understanding something before we’re really ready.
5 Things Bringing Me Joy Right Now
Watching movies with my parents: my love language is Quality Time (and Words of Affirmation) which has often been at odds with their Acts of Service love language—but the last few weekends we’ve gotten more couch time in to watch some hits like Pretty Woman, Coming to America and Moonlight. (if you don’t know your love language take the test here)
Camille Rose’s Coconut Water Curl Co-Wash:The scent of coconut always reminds me of my first trip to Jamaica at 5 years old—so that had me hooked—but most importantly this product actually works, and leaves my curls so soft and hydrated.
Doja Cat’s “Planet Her” Album:I’ve been a fan of Doja Cat since her first album dropped in 2014. She does infectious pop so well, which is why we couldn’t escape her music anytime we opened up TikTok last year. This album has been the perfect soundtrack for my morning walks.
Vitruvi essential oil diffuser: I’ve gotten back into the habit of using it at nighttime, and the sleep essential oil blend is such a nice signal to my senses that it’s time to wind down for the day.
Giving back to my community: My mom volunteers a lot through her church, so I’ve been trying to find little ways to be more involved here and just participated in a local school supply drive. I think I had too much fun shopping for cute notebooks, pencils and markers (which was always my favorite part of going back to school)—but also knowing I can relieve a tiny bit of stress for a kid before going back to full-time in-person class since the pandemic started is just the best.
