LOOKING PAST THE STIGMA OF ADDICTION WITH MEREDITH KOOP
Happy November 1st! I love the start of a new month, even though we’re getting one step closer to winter over here. But the start of a new month just feels like it ushers in a new energy and it’s a chance to start fresh, start a new habit, or just do something different. And yes, while 2022 is rapidly approaching, we’ve still got time, we’re living in the present, and we’re gonna make these last two months count.
Today’s newsletter comes with trigger warnings: alcohol/drug abuse, eating disorders, sexual assault
I met Meredith Koop during New York Fashion Week in February 2019 at a luncheon at the home of designer Tanya Taylor. I couldn’t believe my luck that I was seated next to Michelle Obama’s stylist—and that we hit it off so effortlessly. I don’t think I even spoke to the person sitting on the other side of me the entire afternoon. For someone who could easily be one of the most important stylists of the last decade, Meredith was so normal and so genuine. Had I not known exactly who she was, I probably wouldn’t have known who she was. She was never present on the fashion week scene, nor could you catch her at glitzy fashion events. I really respected that she did her job so well without participating in the fashion circus.
We kept in touch since that lunch, we’ve had breakfasts, we’ve spoken on panels together, we’ve done Instagram Lives together. And what we’ve bonded over the most hasn’t been fashion or politics— it’s mental health.
Knowing that she works for such a public figure, I wasn’t sure when I first reached out to her if she was willing to share the nitty gritty of her mental health journey, which includes her struggle with addiction. But she was totally game. I think it’s important to hear stories like hers as a reminder, as Meredith says, “these are things that happen to people despite their best efforts,” as many have a hard time looking past the stereotype and the stigmas of what struggling with addiction looks like.
Read the edited interview below, or you can listen to our full conversation.
Let's take it back to the beginning because to really understand who someone is, we have to look at their past. What kind of kid were you growing up?
Meredith: As a young, young Meredith, I was very animated. I was kind of a performer, I loved storytelling, fantasy, dancing, music, and I loved laughing. What I've come to know is that over time, especially as I entered the preteen era and going into puberty, there was a faded quality to that, and there was a pushed-downness that I think happened through family of origin, society, school, teasing, and not fitting in. Everything kind of got really dark and muted. So I'm constantly trying to get back to that or remember that essence. That is where I think I truly am. It’s a constant sort of practice and thought to engage and connect with that.
And when did you notice changes in your mental health?
Meredith: Around the time I hit puberty, so somewhere in that 13 to 15-year-old age range. Given where I grew up, I wasn't hearing a lot about mental health, depression, and anxiety or what it means, what to do about it. So, that contributed to feelings of isolation. I didn't know how to talk about it. I just felt very much like, something is really wrong with me. You know, the shame of there's “something inherently wrong with me” ––that I feel this way, that I can't get this together, that I can't control this, these feelings of loneliness, repetitive thoughts and paranoia, and like, what I would say was some version of crippling social anxiety, where it was really hard for me to interact with people on a day-to-day basis. I had a group of friends, I wasn't a complete loner, I was still showing up, I was a good student, I was dancing. So there were a lot of things on the outside where someone might think, "Oh, she's fine. She's just moody." That's what I would hear a lot, so I was like, "I am moody." Um, but that moodiness was more to me, my internal world being dramatically impacted. There just weren't a lot of outlets for me, and I think that's why I love to dance so much, because it was a place where I could go and I could release through my physical body, and the emotional expression that happens through dance— which helped my mental health.
Yeah and I can relate to some of those feelings from my own teenage anxiety, you're like, "Why is this happening to me?" It's not happening to my friends. Why is it just me? And being unable to really articulate. So then, you eventually found yourself experimenting with some dangerous coping mechanisms.
Meredith: Yeah, so I discovered substances could relieve––momentarily––my feelings of worry and anxiety and loneliness and not fitting in. I felt like I found a new path, I found an answer for my problems. I didn't understand that blacking out was seen by some as negative until much later. To me, that was the goal. Then, quickly, those things actually created more problems, which I didn't understand. I've heard people say, first it was fun, and then it was fun with consequences, and then it was just consequences. I went from complete elation to, now as a young woman, I'm in very dangerous situations that I didn't know how to handle and, the confusion of these situations and not even understanding them. I was raped, I was sexually assaulted while under the influence, and I didn't know how to make sense of that. I didn't know how to talk about it. I worried about being rejected by everyone by coming forward with those accusations. I didn't have the confidence, I didn't have the education, the sexual education to understand what things were supposed to be like.
How old were you when you had your first drink? I’ll never forget that you told me that it felt like taking a warm bath.
Meredith: 14 or 15 years old. And it really did. I just remember the complete ecstasy of it, feeling like, "Oh my god, finally," and looking in the mirror and going, "You look good!" After all of the self-criticism and hatred, and then feeling like, "Oh, I'm cute!" It was like, okay, this is a way I can live, this is a way I can be with other people and not feel so uncomfortable.
So it actually changed the way you saw yourself?
Meredith: Absolutely. It felt like a whole new identity for me, and even when I couldn't drink or I couldn't get alcohol, I was like, when is this going to happen again? What's it going to look like? Playing out all these scenarios in my head. So it was a constant obsession for me.
In the transition from high school to college, you still managed to graduate high school with good grades. What did you want to do with your life?
Meredith: Yes, I was a good student. I was smart, I got good grades, and what I wanted to do in my heart was to pursue the arts. I would write and do a lot of creative projects on my own, but again, I just didn't have the confidence and the direction and the grit and the push-through to really make that happen. And when I was told by my parents that I should go to a liberal arts college and get a liberal arts education that could potentially result in a predictable income, that's what I did. I ended up majoring in psychology, because human behavior had always interested me. I think my own behaviors had been interesting to me. I was like, I just gotta get through it. I see young people now that have these big dreams, and they know how to get from point A to B to C to D, and it's so impressive to me because I don't feel like I had that, what I see as self-assuredness and confidence at that age. And I kept dancing, it kind of came and went, especially through my ability to function. I had these dreams, like, "Okay, if I could just book some jobs, I could drop out of school, and I could figure out a way to do this full time." But, again, I just didn't have the wherewithal to make that happen.
Did your parents suspect or have any idea? Were they paying attention?
Meredith: There are examples of addiction and mental health issues throughout my family, but I also come from a lineage that we don't talk about those things in a real way. Things come out slowly, and you start to piece things together, but these are not issues that you necessarily talk about. So there were occasions that I know some red flags went up, but I think people didn't have the tools to really deal with them. There just wasn't honest and open communication there.
Would you say you had a rock bottom moment?
Meredith: I had a few. Somehow with all of my behaviors and things that I did, I never had any legal consequences. In some ways, that was lucky, and in some ways, maybe if that would have happened, it would have gone a little bit differently. Who knows? But really, towards the end, the rock bottom for me was just feeling hopeless, helpless, and like I didn't want to be alive. There were a few nights where I just felt like, "Oh my god, I don't want to hurt myself, but I don't want to be alive." And that was really the point at which I just knew I needed to get out of the environment that I was in––the place that I was living, the people that I was around, it just wasn’t working for me.
It was my senior year, the end of the first semester, and I just called my mom and was like, "Could you just come? I just need to get out of here." I think, on some level, from what they'd seen, they believed me. And my sister––who has since passed away—she had noticed some things too, and sort of said, "Something's not right." So they came and picked me up—and it was just like the breaking of a dam. It was a complete release of all of the pain and the anxiety and the panic attacks––it just all came out, and especially by the time I got home, I was medicating less and so everything was so raw and right at the surface. The last however many years of just pushing it down. All the pain and the trauma and everything was like an explosion. So at that point, it was pretty clear that I needed help from professionals.
Take me through your path of getting help?
Meredith: I went to see a therapist, and funnily enough, it was the therapist that I had seen in my teenage years. So I think she was clocking me a little, and she sent me to a psychiatrist. I think a lot of people that aren't in this don't even really know the difference, and I don't think I did at the time. The psychiatrist['s goal] was treating the illness through the use of pharmacology, and then the therapist was more the emotional piece and the talk therapy. So I went to see that psychiatrist, and I remember her asking me, "Okay, well, tell me about yourself, and give me some background on you." All that I talked about was partying and drugs and alcohol, that's what I did, that was my life. So, seeing those two people and connecting those dots, the therapist was like, "It would be my suggestion that you should go to a rehabilitation facility, this is the one that I would suggest, here's a video about it. Here's where it is, this is kind of what you're signing up for." In my mind I was like, "Maybe I'll meet a boyfriend in rehab. Maybe I'll finally, after all these years, I'll have a boyfriend. I'll be normal, like all these other girls I see."
So you felt like going to rehab was the right choice for you at the time?
Meredith: I just didn't feel like I had any options. I couldn't go back to school. It was a dangerous environment for me for several reasons, and I didn't want to stay with my parents. I didn't want to stay there, and I wanted to get some sort of semblance of a life back on track. I wanted to do things and I was watching peers organizing their lives and planning what their jobs were going to be, and I didn't have anything going on. I was completely lost. That’s when I started even having a beginning understanding of what mental illness is, what addiction is. Now, looking back on it after all this time and being in different circles and talking to people, there's still such a stigma, and people really don't understand. Even saying the words mental illness together is like, "Oh my god, mental illness?" And it's like "Yeah, it's just like other illnesses."
Yes, in my opinion, it's partially nature, partially nurture. But these are things that happen to people despite their best efforts. I think there's an image of what an alcoholic is, what a drug addict is, and there's a stereotype, and I didn't fit that stereotype that I had in my mind. So I had a really hard time, like many people young and old, reaching a place of acceptance and understanding. It's definitely a journey.
And then post-rehab, you had a relapse, but not with alcohol and drugs?
Meredith: Yeah, I left this place that I was in and they recommended that I live in another treatment center for a few months to re-acclimate and continue the treatment in a substantial way and be in a safe environment and work on all of these issues because the issues weren't just, "oh, I drink a lot." There were underlying issues that needed to be addressed with being assaulted and the trauma that I'd gone through. Almost like a reflex, I started throwing up my food. There was no thought, like, "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to be bulimic now." There was no conscious thought about it. It was like, one day, I felt like I ate too much, I felt fat. I was gaining weight because I wasn't doing drugs anymore, and I was eating a lot. So I was just like, "I'm gonna throw this up.” It just started, and infiltrated my life. First, it was every so often, a couple times a week. Okay, now we get to every day. Now, it's multiple times a day. Now, I want to stop, but I can't.
That was a really eye opening experience. I think that if that hadn't happened the way that it did, I probably would have gone back to using because number one, it was a relief mechanism. Number two, it really showed me my addiction. Here I am, I'm sober, I'm not using any mind altering substances, right? And I'm doing this activity, it's getting progressively worse. I want to stop—and I literally can't. I tried, I was going to therapy regularly. I tried going to different support groups around it. I would try to stop. The day would start, I would have the best intentions, I would have a plan. Okay, here's what I'm going to eat and then the thoughts would start coming in, what I was going to do later, and then it would intensify over the day, and then right as I got off of work, run to the store, buy all the food that I needed and then go home and do this all night, three or four times. It just kept getting worse, and like everything else, it started getting scary. I almost choked, I had to give myself the Heimlich, then there's issues with your teeth and all of these things. I think there's so much pain and the graphic nature of addiction is hard to look at. So it really convinced me of that, that this was within me and I don't think I would have really understood it if it weren't for that.
So then you went back to rehab for a second time.
Meredith: Yeah, and I'm so, so grateful, because it really helped me, and I don't really know where that would have gone without that intervention. So I went to a place that wasn't necessarily like a rehab, it was an intensive psychological treatment center. So I was getting a ton of therapy, and also a focus on my eating disorder. I was seeing multiple clinicians, and it was just so helpful. I can't even explain how much it helped me. And there were a lot of people there with addiction, different types of addiction, that were extremely high functioning, some people that were extremely successful. People that you would meet and go, "These people have no problems. They're successful, they're wealthy, they're beautiful," and they were there with me talking about some of the most intense stories I've ever heard. It was a really positive experience, and it helped me because from that point forward, I definitely still had struggles, but I wasn't acting out, and so it just freed up a lot of space for me.
So since all of that, how has your relationship with yourself evolved? How do you practice compassion for yourself?
Meredith: Yeah, it is a practice. I think that is the key for me is that there's no finish line. There's no "okay, everything's good. Like, done." I think this path, and the challenge, and sometimes the frustration, and sometimes the joy of what I see as kind of "two steps forward, one back.” Self-compassion is still something that I work on and have issues with. Even just last night, I had therapy, and that was part of what came up, "how do I take better care of myself in certain situations and certain aspects of my life?" In some aspects, I feel like I'm doing a really good job, I’m strong, and then in other aspects, I still need work, and that might be a lifetime of work. All of the pieces are kind of connected––the physical health, the working out, the creation of endorphins, that helps me. When I'm eating well, it helps me, and I have a definition of well for me that isn't necessarily for everybody, but what I've found works for me—connecting with people that have similar stories as me, going to therapy. One piece that I'm really trying to work on, or at least [be] more thoughtful about is, where am I experiencing joy in my life? I've become like a worker bee, and I'm just like, work, work work...
And you have quite a stressful job.
Meredith: It's been more stressful at times than others, but I think for me, I have to prioritize joy and spontaneity and like, where can I have fun? Which is not something that I necessarily do naturally, but I think that's a big piece of feeling good about yourself is connecting with things that you like to do, and that bring you joy.
I know. Actually in one of my newsletters last month I wrote about reconnecting with things that brought us joyas children––because that's us in our most pure form. And how that can help inform what actually comforts you now, where your passion is. And it’s easy to see that in you. I love your dancing videos, and I can see that that is something that you truly love.
Meredith: Sometimes it's hard, like, "Oh, I'm not good enough," or whatever the beating-up process is about like, "I look like this, I'm this age, I shouldn't do this" or whatever. But I really enjoy it, so I have to commit to myself that I'm going to do that. Every time I do it, I'm like, "God, this is so good, like, I want to do this more." Why do we turn our backs on the things that we love?
Why do we turn our backs on the things that are in us, in our essence, and what we love to do as children just so we can fit into the society where we have to make a lot of money, and all this stuff? I think that is the issue of prioritizing and creating space for it, and I think it is in us. It is the lifeblood, it is part of who we are as people. I was listening to this thing with Brene Brown, and she was talking about the connection between children dancing, and just how much it is within all of us. Even if you supposedly think you can't dance, or you don't have rhythm, or whatever, movement is part of who we are as humans.
Oh my god, I completely agree. Dancing definitely just does something to me, like, I never feel more connected to myself. Regardless if it's a dance class, or if I went out dancing with friends. I can go out, and be sober, but if I’m dancing that makes me feel high.
Which leads me to… let’s talk about your recent mushroom experience. What made you curious about trying a guided psilocybin trip?
Meredith: Oh, the mushrooms. Well, for me, it's a little bit tricky, but this is just my story, right? After many conversations and some research, I probably looked into this for about a year before I went down this path. I’m someone who has had issues with depression and anxiety, and someone that has been on medication for a long time, and I do not desire to be on medication for the rest of my life, that's just my perspective. I was looking for other ways to start treating these issues, while not abandoning anything that I have currently. So it was a little hard for me to get my head around, and still continues to be because, for me, I'm not trying to or wanting to use substances recreationally. I don't think that at this point, for example, alcohol is going to add anything to my life. I feel continuously committed to that. So when I started exploring this, I talked with people in my life that I consider guides and my therapist. Is this something that I could do? I got a referral to this person, and they had this really positive experience, and then it was just a matter of scheduling it and continuing these conversations with all these people in my life, and yeah, I did it. And actually, even though going into it, I felt some guilt, I feel proud of myself because I did something for me that was something that I wanted to do, that is about me healing further in my life. So it was a pretty interesting experience, and one that I put a lot of thought and time into, but I couldn't have completely prepared myself for what I experienced.
Can you kind of lay out what happens? or whatever you’re comfortable sharing.
Meredith: It was really intense. I had used this substance in the past, back when I was using recreationally, but this was very different—and it was very intense. I experienced complete fear, I experienced complete joy, and it was a deep dive. lt was not like, "I'm having so much fun!" It wasn't like that. It was like a very intense journey, and I kept thinking, "My God, I can't believe the fact that plants, things that just grow in our environment, in nature can do this." It's just so mind blowing, but my perspective is, at this point where I'm at today, I want to be open to what can heal me and help me. I've been different levels of rigid in my life with like, "things have to be this way." This was part of healing that I'm being open to, while also being thoughtful. I don't want to just jump into something.
And would you do it again? And continue using this as a healing method?
Meredith: I just really, absolutely don't know at this point—but it was very powerful. I think right now we're seeing a lot more exploration. There's been a certain emphasis on traditional drug therapies, the typical SSRIs and all these different forms, but now, I'm hearing a lot more about ketamine. I'm hearing a lot more about mushrooms.
My therapist and I were actually just talking about it, there's a lot of research coming out how using mushrooms can help with depression, and the same with ketamine in controlled quantities, and I think it's really interesting. Especially since you mentioned it to me, I'm like, "wow, maybe I really should start looking into this." And, I can relate to your feelings of exploring where you’re too rigid. That's also something that has been coming up for me as well, that I've been talking about a lot more with my therapist.
That feeling of "things are supposed to happen like this." Even though I feel like I have a lot of perspective, but we still have these expectations and ideas of how we think we're supposed to conduct our lives, what it's supposed to look like, et cetera, and sometimes when things come in that challenge that, it really can throw you off.
Meredith: Totally. I think the great key or the great difficulty is like, where is the balance? How do you find balance between being open-minded, but being safe, careful, and thoughtful? There's just so many aspects of balance that that's something that stays in my mind because I found that it is kind of easy to go, "Okay, I'm doing this one thing. It has to be this way. If it's not this way, I'm not going to be okay."
And so then the minute it's a little bit off, whatever that is, whether it's therapy, or taking a prescription, it's like everything falls apart, and that's not how I want to live today. Although it did, I think at certain points in my life, it definitely served a purpose, that structure and that containment definitely served a purpose, but I'm working on being open in other ways
Final question, do you have a routine or rituals that are important to you?
Meredith: I do. Consistency is something that I'm constantly working on and thoughtful about. Again, it comes back to that balance. Consistency without rigidity. Where is that? So I meditate, I get a lot out of meditation. There have been periods of my life where I am strict on it, and then there's periods where I go dark, and then there's periods where I know it's there, and sometimes I get up and do it, and sometimes I don't. If I can’t meditate, there's other ways that I'll try to bring mindfulness and breath into my day, and just awareness. Even just feeling my feet on the ground when I'm walking, or walking a little bit slower, breathing a little bit deeper. One thing for me lately has been podcasts, I can be listening to podcasts all day, but sometimes I need to be in silence. So I've been listening a lot less and making it more of an event when I'm going to listen to it so I'm giving my full attention to that.
Working out is also huge for me. Yes, I want to feel good about my body. Yes, I want to be strong. It's helped my mental health so much. I notice such a difference when I'm not working out. I just feel better if I'm working out at least every other day or 5-6 times a week. And that doesn't have to be a high intensity workout, that can be a walk, that can be lots of different things. Food is really another important piece— my life is better when I eat less sugar. That doesn't mean I eat no sugar. So like, I know that I feel better when I'm eating a certain way—and this is from someone who used to eat fast food like every day. And therapy is huge. So yeah, those are the cornerstones, and I do go to meetings for recovery, so I find having that as a routine keeps me feeling pretty good.
Meredith’s Most Recommended Reads
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
My anxiety, depression, and trauma has manifested in different ways in my body over the years. This book is really helpful in understanding the undeniable importance of the mind-body connection.
A classic read, in my opinion. This was helpful in understanding what boundaries could look like in any relationship. I think the title may be a little daunting, but I would recommend this to absolutely anyone.
Perfectionism lives strong in me and I'm still working on it. I'm a big fan of this book.
This book, along with a few others on family systems, helped me begin to understand and explore the patterns between myself as an individual and my immediate family, extended family, and historical family.
This is where I started to learn about the history and current use of psychedelics to treat anxiety and depression in particular.
The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love The Power of Radical Self-Love
I'm constantly revisiting my relationship with my body and myself. This is a powerful and perspective-changing read.
Poetry of Presence: An Anthology of Mindfulness Poems An Anthology of Mindfulness Poems
I like having books like this on the shelf when I need a moment and a pause. It brings me back to the current moment.
Before You Go…
How Meredith Koop went from working at Chicago’s Ikram boutique to styling Michelle Obama in the White House via Fashionista.
New Moon in Scorpio arrives Wednesday night, see what it means for your sign and how to make the most of this week via Chani Nicholas.
Magic mushrooms could one day treat depression. Learn how they work via Science Alert.
via @yumisakugawa