LETS TALK STAYING FRIENDS WITH EXES, SOLO TRIPS & CULTIVATING SELF LOVE
Happy Monday y’all! Congrats on making it to the end of Mercury retrograde! Now, hopefully that ex will stop reaching out—at least until the next retrograde.
I’ve spent the last week in New York City, so I’ve been out almost every night catching up with friends, seeing my ultimate music crush James Blake at Radio City Music Hall, being catfished by NYC real estate, going to events, work commitments, etc—and by Friday, I was feeling an awful social hangover coming on. You know, that feeling like the life has been sucked out of you, and you just can’t find the energy to speak to another human being, let alone actually get dressed and feel good about yourself? Whenever I’m on an extended stay in the city, I feel the pressure to make the most of every minute here, and I tend to overschedule myself. So, I had to recoup by spending the majority of the weekend inside recuperating. I took baths, listened to Untamed by Glennon Doyle on audiobook, watched some of the latest season of You on Netflix (still just as twisted as ever), and I also spent some time in silence with my thoughts. It helps! And I’ll try not to make the same mistake this week.
So, let’s start this week off right! I’m answering your questions about staying friends with exes, solo trips, cultivate more self-love, finding your work/life balance and more.
In the time of seasonal change, what are you letting go of?
I am trying to let go of the belief that the way I did things in the past is the way I should continue to do them in the here and now. We can’t always do the same thing and expect different results, right?
What are your thoughts on staying friends with exes?
Generally, I find it unnecessary—but I do have a few that are still in my life. I actually just had dinner with one of mine last week. I’m more inclined to say that we’re friendly instead of friends. We’re not in each other’s lives in a regular capacity, but we check-in here and there, or might catch up IRL once a year. I just don’t believe it’s possible to go from dating one minute to just friends the next. Breakups require space, reflection, and perspective—and I think once you get that, you realize you don’t really need this person from your past so close to you.
Would you say starting a career in fashion is worth it for post grads or focus elsewhere?
I’m never here to crush anyone’s dreams, everyone has their own path to follow. But I’ll tell you, when I was starting my career, there was absolutely nothing anyone could have ever said to deter me from pursuing this path. I knew in my bones that working in fashion was where I was meant to be, and I pursued it wholeheartedly. I had no one to get advice from or anyone to help steer me in the right direction. So, if there’s a part of you that doubts whether you want to take this road, maybe you should explore what else is out there. I’m not sure what area of the industry interests you, but I do know that it’s a rough time to be pursuing a job in publishing. There are fewer jobs, the pay is low, and the hours are grueling. But no job has to be forever. I think you need to consider what are you going to feel excited to do 5 days a week, but also what kind of life do you want for yourself?
What was the most challenging aspect of working in editorial?
There is an absolutely relentless pace when you work in digital. It is never just a 9 to 5 job— especially when you’re chasing the celebrity news cycle. If Kim Kardashian were to announce that she was pregnant at 9pm on Christmas Eve, you better believe someone needs to be available to write that up, and post about it on social media. It’s really hard to have boundaries in that environment. There was also an expectation that we’d have to outdo ourselves every single month when it came to web traffic numbers. Everything needs to be done quickly and optimized for maximum impact, but the quality of the work suffers because of this. And ultimately, everyone burns out.
I'm 36 and single, and have been feeling old. How do I cultivate more self love?
I know it sounds cliche, but our thoughts and words do have power—so first and foremost, be mindful of how you talk to yourself. If you tell yourself you’re old, you shouldn’t be surprised that you feel old. By no means is 36 old! And one day, if you’re lucky to make it to your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you’ll look back and laugh that you ever thought 36 was old.
Here’s how I tend to look at self-love and the omnipresent threat of the comparison trap. We only have this one life right now—and we absolutely owe it to ourselves to live that life as fully as possible, to do all the things we dream of doing and be all the things we dream of being. We cannot control the hand of cards we were dealt in life—but it’s what we do with it that counts. So, do you want to be hard on yourself and make your life harder? Or do you want to choose every day to love yourself no matter what because you’re all you have?
A few things have helped me remain firm in my peace and security of who I amI know it sounds cliche, but our thoughts and words do have power—so first and foremost, be mindful of how you talk to yourself. If you tell yourself you’re old, you shouldn’t be surprised that you feel old. By no means is 36 old! And one day, if you’re lucky to make it to your 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, you’ll look back and laugh that you ever thought 36 was old.
Here’s how I tend to look at self-love and the omnipresent threat of the comparison trap. We only have this one life right now—and we absolutely owe it to ourselves to live that life as fully as possible, to do all the things we dream of doing and be all the things we dream of being. We cannot control the hand of cards we were dealt in life—but it’s what we do with it that counts. So, do you want to be hard on yourself and make your life harder? Or do you want to choose every day to love yourself no matter what because you’re all you have?
A few things have helped me remain firm in my peace and security of who I am
1. Having my birth chart read. Not only does it feel affirming to have our best attributes and strengths reflected back to us—but it really helps you reframe more challenging aspects of yourself. There is nothing inherently wrong with us, but we do come into this lifetime with things we need to work on. It also helps you to recognize that we’re all on our own path. There is no point in ever comparing your journey to someone else's. No two birth charts are alike.
2. Reading a lot of spiritual and self-help books. My top picks would be How to Love Yourself, Daring Greatly, and Love is Letting Go of Fear. You can also see the list of all my favorite self-help books here.
What’s your ideal day?
In true Piscean fashion, I love a day where I can do exactly what I feel like doing from moment to moment, no time constraints or obligations, and just go with the flow. Generally, my ideal day starts with me staying in bed most of the morning in my own place that would feel like my sanctuary. I make myself a delicious breakfast because it’s my favorite meal of the day. I’d spend some time reading, go for a walk, and listen to one of my playlists. Maybe I text a friend to meet up in the park with me or go browse some stores, go to a museum, or just hang out somewhere that has a fun vibe and I can interact with new people. Getting a spiritual reading would also be part of my perfect day. To end the day, I’d say a nice dinner at a restaurant that has a great ambience or staying in and taking a bath by candlelight, maybe watching a romantic comedy to top it off.
Tips for getting over an ex who cheated?
I know it feels nearly impossible to believe, but being cheated on is not about you. It’s about your former partner having issues that they did not want to face or address. One of the greatest lessons in life is understanding when others treat us poorly, that is a reflection of how that person feels about themself. If you are content with yourself, why would you spend time disrespecting another person? Take your time to heal, surround yourself with people who love you and can support you, and hold space for your feelings. Get a therapist to help you process the situation. When I’m going through something that feels particularly difficult, I remind myself that one day I will be on the other side of it and I’ll reflect on that exact moment when I thought I’d never recover, but I did. We are more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.
How do you manage your anxiety so it doesn't negatively affect your work?
I have to work on managing my anxiety every day so it doesn’t negatively impact me, period. I see a therapist, I journal, I meditate when I can, and I try to stay present and in touch with my body, my mind, and how I’m feeling. I think it’s really important to create a routine or a practice so that you have the coping skills in place for the really tough days. Typically, my anxiety is not directly linked to work, so I can usually override my system and still get my work done. But there are definitely times where I feel nervous or anxious before an interview or an event—in those cases, I do whatever I need to do to make sure I feel as prepared as possible for what I’m going into, which helps to alleviate anxiety. And I just focus on how good I will feel once I make it to the other side.
How do you find happiness when you're meeting career goals but not in a relationship?
By remembering that no one else can make me happy but me. I think a lot of us fall into the trap of thinking, well if I just have the perfect job, life would be perfect, or if I find the right partner, I’ll be happy. Yes, a relationship can add a lot to our lives, but we can’t hinge our happiness on it because relationships do come and go. And what are we left with? Ourselves.
But I get where you’re coming from, I’ve definitely covered this topic with my therapist before. I feel accomplished in most areas of my life, but I still don’t have a partner to share it with. For me, it just always comes back to timing (trusting the birth chart!). None of us know what’s meant for us on this journey. Our lives can completely change all in one day. So, I use this time to enjoy my freedom as much as I possibly can. I stay focused on doing things that are truly fulfilling to me and spending time with people I love.
Any advice for solo trips?
I love traveling alone. To me, the idea of being somewhere where no one knows you is exciting and freeing. If you’re someone who likes to have a plan—schedule fun activities that you can do, maybe something you do in groups so you can make friends. When you go to restaurants, try eating at the bar, that way you can interact with other people who are there alone, or talk to the bartender. Ask the bartender for suggestions for fun things locals do in the area. Ultimately, you can’t be afraid to ask people questions or talk to strangers. What’s the worst that could happen n if you talk to someone new?
How to recognize your own limiting beliefs and quell imposter syndrome?
Having some self doubt is normal, but you can’t let that be your story. You can’t let doubt dictate how you operate and move in the world. At the end of the day, the negative voices have to be squashed so you can do the things you know you need to do, and are meant to do. You’re inherently worthy of all that you want, simply because you exist.
Try journaling and take note of the times you are hard on yourself, or speak negatively to yourself. When do you find yourself doubting yourself?
Meditation can also be really helpful for this. Meditation teaches us that thoughts are fleeting, like clouds in the sky, they come and go—and this practice can train you to let go of those negative thoughts.
Feelings on people who continue to support brands that are problematic?
It can be really frustrating and disheartening, but the reality is most people are not interested in being conscious consumers. They want their stuff when they want it from whoever makes it the best. And even with all the brands that were “cancelled” last year, trust me, a lot of them are thriving in 2021. Their bottom line was never really affected. Now that the individual threat of being cancelled has died down, people feel like they can return to “normal,” people won’t notice if they’re not following through on their promises. If you are someone that cares, and you notice your favorite brands stopped featuring or trying to elevate black talent and voices—send them a DM or write them an email. It’s easy to think that just one person can’t make a change, but if everyone thinks that, then we’d certainly never get anywhere. At the end of the day, I think the most important thing is to remember we all have our own individual power to create change. So how can you use the power that you do have to move the needle when it comes to inclusion?
What are some work/life balances you recommend?
I work a lot, but at the same time I know my limits. I’m not willing to suffer for work. Being able to enjoy my life, pursue pleasure and take time to rest is also part of my purpose. I’m a Pisces sun and Taurus rising, and we love our naps and downtime. Everyone has to figure out what boundaries are right for them and the work they do—but it’s important to make time for yourself, throughout the week. Set times when you will or will not be available. I try not to schedule any meetings for myself before noon, because I like to have leisurely mornings. If I know I’m going to have a particularly long day of work, I try to break it up a little by going for a walk, or just going outside for a bit to get some sunshine on my face. I also remind myself that it’s okay if I don’t get through my inbox everyday—it’s okay if I can’t get back to people. I get a lot of emails, and sometimes I need to prioritize actually executing my work rather than sifting through emails. If I’ve had an intense period of work, I try to treat myself to a massage or a facial.
Before You Go
Mercury goes direct today, and there’s a Full Moon in Aries coming up on Wednesday. See what it means for your sign via Chani Nicholas.
My brilliant business partner, Danielle Prescod, launched a podcast called More Than This where she interviews people who are pursuing their passion despite the odds. It’s inspiring to say the least! Listen here.
Are all workplaces toxic these days? The pandemic fallout goes far beyond the physical via Psychology today.
