FINDING SECURE LOVE AFTER ABUSE WITH MARYANN SAMRETH
Happy Mental Health Awareness Month!
I recently got to spend some time with my 14-year-old niece, who lives in Hong Kong. She's been dealing with some new anxiety about getting on planes, elevators, or in Ubers—and of course, her loving parents have tried to be there for her as much as possible but they can't completely relate. Just 22 years ago, I was in the same place as my niece: feeling so confused about what was happening in my body and why it was happening. I felt scared of so many things that seemed to come out of nowhere and I didn't have anyone to talk to that truly understood me or what I was going through. I'm so glad my niece doesn't have to have that experience alone because she has me, and I've been sharing all my tips and tricks with her. But ultimately, this is still a journey she will have to walk and figure out what feels best and most comforting for her as she learns to navigate a life with anxiety. Connecting with her over our shared stressors and being able to be that source of support for her though reminded me why writing this newsletter and sharing so much of my life has been so important to me. Being able to connect with others and help them is really what keeps me going.
Trigger warning for today's newsletter: sexual abuseToday's guest Maryann Samreth has similarly turned her pain and struggles into a way to help people recovering from abusive relationships. I found her on Tik Tok in 2021 when dating content had taken over my algorithm. Dating content on social media can be exhausting, to say the least, but Maryann's felt different. It wasn't preachy, it wasn't black and white rules, it wasn't about “high-value” men and women. She was sharing vulnerable stories about recovering from being sexually assaulted by her boyfriend's best friend and her journey to finding a securely attached partner for her insecurely attached nervous system. Below, Maryann takes us through how writing helped her heal from trauma, and how she got serious about finding a partner with secure attachment. Plus, don't miss her tips for somatic journaling.
Read the edited interview below, or you can listen to our full conversation.What were you like as a kid?
Maryann: I was split between two different people. I was really loud and extroverted, and I loved being the center of attention. But in school, I had severe social anxiety. I was so afraid of being myself, but I loved to be myself around the right people. Also I grew up in a white suburb, so being the only person that looked like me, just the way I was treated because of the way I looked definitely perpetuated my social anxiety.
So you are a trauma survivor. You were in an abusive relationship for 5 years?
Maryann: Yeah, and I had no idea. I had to go to therapy. I didn't realize I was being gaslit and manipulated. I had to zoom out of that relationship and realize what was going on was emotional and psychological abuse. That's not something we often talk about. It still has a lot of stigma.
What were some of the feelings you were having in that relationship that inspired you to go to therapy?
Maryann: There were a few red flag experiences. During the time I started going to therapy, I had reached a very severe state of depression. I couldn't feel any emotion. My partner was speaking to other women online and having an inappropriate relationship with the receptionist at work. All these things just made me so insecure about who I was. I didn't have a strong sense of self. I was working in fashion at the time, and you have to be who you think you need to be to make it in the industry—and that's exactly what happened. I didn't even know where to begin to describe who I was or what my needs were and what I wanted. I felt so lost. I thought fixing the relationship was what would make me happy. I thought, I'll be who he wants me to be. Then I realized I was being manipulated. Everything that was happening was not okay.
Did you try to get him to go to therapy with you?
Maryann: Yeah I tried really hard. So, the story is, my partner's best friend sexually assaulted me—and I didn't say anything for four years. When I finally spoke up about it, that's when the victim-blaming and shaming started happening. He would say, why did you wear a skirt? Why were you drinking? Why did you continue to date me after he sexually assaulted you? Questions like that. I was like, wait, what? Why are you mad at me?
Did he question the friend?
Maryann: A little bit. The initial time I told him, he was shocked and upset and wanted to text the friend. And I told him no, I don't wanna start any drama. But I'm not feeling myself, and I think it's because of this incident. Then, something switched and he started victim-blaming. I also gaslit myself a little. But the Me Too movement was happening around the same time, and that triggered me.
So, I created my anonymous pen name on Instagram @sincerelymissmary, and began writing about the abuse. A year later, when I looked back at the poetry, I cried because I was writing my truth, and you can't unsee that. The words I was writing about loving your abuser and trying to escape them. It was a push and pull, and I felt so paralyzed in that relationship. When you're in an abusive relationship, you still have love for them.
So when was the moment that you knew you had to end the relationship?
Maryann: We were vacationing in Japan in 2019. The day before we left, I saw his best friend (the man that sexually assaulted me) texted him. My partner was in the shower, so I looked at his phone. I just wanted to see the conversation from when he confronted his friend about the assault. I wanted to know that it really happened. And the conversation I saw was really what solidified that it wasn't going to work. It was awful. His best friend called me a liar and denied it. But then he kind of admitted it. He was just saying, oh she probably took a hand on knee out of context, I didn't mean it. There was an exchange of Trump memes, and then they started making fun of the sexual assault. And then I saw my partner said, if you touched her I don't care. And that's when I knew it was over. I needed to see that. To see someone say that about a woman they're supposed to protect and love. What is this relationship? Who was I to you? Because if you're talking to me in that way, I'm not even a person. It was very dehumanizing.
So you outed your perpetrator, how soon after that?
Maryann: It happened like 24 hours later. When we got back from Japan, I confronted my partner about the text messages I saw. Then the next day I was at work, sitting at my desk. I got so angry, I wrote a poem and then I just condemned him. He's not even on Instagram, but my partner, his friends, and family were following me. I think when I posted it, I thought I would be rescued, like my boyfriend would come around. I was trying to get my power back— thinking the world would treat me right, that my perpetrator would take accountability. Our mutual friends, my partner's friends, only reached out to him to figure out what happened instead of asking me. They could've DMed me or texted me but they needed a man's perspective to solidify what happened to a woman? So I experienced more trauma from that.
I really had to process that with my therapist and she taught me about systemic trauma and internalized misogyny. I was like, why would that one friend, that's a woman, why would she treat me like that? Why won't she talk to me? It was a wakeup call. Even though I'm speaking my truth. It's being received in a world that is broken.
What was your recovery process like?
Maryann: I started my journey of self-love. My writing exploded after that, because I wasn't hiding my identity. I could just be myself. I began writing more poems about recovering from abuse and healing and dating myself. I was always afraid to do anything by myself. So, that whole summer, I really isolated myself from everyone except 1 or 2 friends and just rebuilt a relationship with myself. I asked myself what I loved, what brings me joy. I took myself out on dates, I went to Paris alone, I took private surfing lessons. I just really wanted to be alone and learn what it was to fall in love with myself. I didn't know what it was like to feel that love I gave to others. I was always giving love away, and not receiving it. I feel very nostalgic about summer 2019. Even though it was such a painful summer, there's so much nostalgia there of just exploring my inner world. When I began loving myself even more, I got comfortable showing it to other people. I had hid my writing journey for over a year and a half. So, being able to finally show up to the world authentically, and in a way that was leading with love, was so powerful in my healing journey. Love was such a part of healing that—I didn't even know that's what I needed. People would be like just go date someone else.
Yeah, I truly hate that advice of like to get over someone just get under another!
Especially not coming out of an abusive relationship. You're just going to continue to hurt yourself. But when did you decide you were ready to date again?
Maryann:It took a while, I would say the summer of 2020. I went on the apps, and I actually got spooked at first. I was matching and talking to people, I was getting asked out—and then I just freaked out. I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. I deleted the app.
Then I met up with a guy friend who I thought maybe I had feelings for. We kissed and decided to just be friends. But that was the first thing I did to prepare me to open myself up to love again. So, even the wrong people can lead you to the right path to be ready for who you're supposed to be with. I remember that kiss was also traumatizing because I hadn't been with anyone since my ex. So this kiss after healing from abuse, it was scary. I was so triggered, thinking like,
is he also like my ex?
But he was a safe person.I began dating again in December. Honestly, filming it on Tik Tok helped because by then, I had about 10,000 followers following my breakup recovery journey. I was giving breakup advice and I had a community of people just cheering me on. So, when I started dating, I decided to film it too. It was nice to have that support of people following my dating journey.I made a very bold profile. I put, looking for a man that's healing their trauma so they don't project it on me. Bonus points if you've been to therapy. This is me, this is who I am. I'm going to stand in the power of who I am and see who I attract. I love myself so much, so you have to be amazing because I have such a strong relationship with myself and I'm never gonna compromise myself again.
You went into it super focused, you knew what you were looking for. So I feel like that makes it easier. What was the vetting process like?
Maryann: I attracted a lot of emotionally available men. I think a lot of them were attracted to how bold I was in the profile. So I felt more comfortable going on dates again. By the time I met my partner now, I was ready. I probably went on 4 dates. My dating journey was so short. I would do Facetimes or phone calls before we met in person sometimes. It was just an energy exchange. When you're healing from abuse and you're in tune with yourself, you know what kind of energy makes you dysregulated or disconnected from your body. The people I was attracting were emotionally intelligent men working on themselves. Everyone was openly talking about mental health and working on themselves. I also asked myself, does this person make me feel safe to be myself? Is this person listening to me? Is this person validating my opinions and stories?
I focused on if I liked them and how I felt in my body when I was around them. It really helped me to vet these people energetically and having such a strong relationship with myself and being in tune with what makes me feel good helped me to just say no to people who didn't or if there was no spark. I say this to everyone, every single date matters. Even the ones that don't work out. It's a movement forward preparing you to be ready for when you meet the right person.
What are the questions you asked on the dates to suss out whether someone had secure attachment. Because, let's be real, you were looking for someone who had secure attachment.
Maryann: Yes, I was. My ex didn't have a good relationship with his family. The way he spoke about his mom and the way he perceived his mom, and effectively perceived women—I just wanted someone with a healthy family, or just to be honest about their relationship with their family. It's okay if you're not close with your family, but be honest about it. My current partner is very close to his family. He was telling me a story about his mom and that they hang all the time, and the way he talked about them, I could tell that he was a secure man, and he felt safe. He just lit up when he spoke about them. That was the safety I wanted in my life. Even if he didn't have a good relationship with them, I'd want to know, what are you doing now to fill that void? Are you creating a chosen family? Are you creating healthy relationships in your life? It was more about how he answered, than getting a specific answer. The “how” behind someone's answers is that energy that you receive. So if they are answering a question and they're being disingenuous about it, you're going to receive that energy. And if you are intune with yourself you might disconnect from yourself.
Right, because we all have our own shit. Whether we have strained relationships with our family, friends, work—or even with ourselves. Are you willing to be upfront and communicate that? Do you have self awareness? I think that's half the battle.
Maryann: Self awareness is so important. I mean, I'm a trauma survivor, I'm coaching people to write memoirs, but I have days where I just cry all day—and that's okay. I'm not going to pretend I'm not having a bad day. I think it's just always meeting ourselves where we are. And just being honest. That's all I want, and all I want to be surrounded by: people who are just honest about where they are in their journey. There's no such thing as perfection. I think when we have these expectations about how we have to show up to certain people that's when resentment is built.
How early in your relationship with your current partner did you tell him you were a trauma survivor? Or even with other dates? Was this something you were being super open about on the first date?
Maryann: Yeah, our second date I told him I was a Tik Tok influencer and I had 13,000 people following my breakup recovery. It was probably our fourth date, after Valentine's Day, we had decided to be exclusive and he asked to follow my social media accounts. I had just released
season 1 of my memoir podcast where I talk about my abusive relationships and writing my way out of it. So that's when I told him. Like, just a disclaimer: this is what happened to me in my past. I'm healing from it and now I'm helping other people. I was scared, because I don't want to be judged for my experiences. I thought I would scare him. But also this is who I am. So if you get scared, bye.
I think that's a question a lot of people are curious about now. When can I be upfront about my mental health issues? When can you tell someone you have anxious attachment?
Maryann: Right, we don't want to be rejected. It's vulnerable to put these adverse experiences out there, because we don't want to be rejected, we've already been rejected in those adverse experiences. Double rejection. For me, I had to feel safe for myself and with him. If I do get rejected, am I going to be okay? Yes, you are. Okay, this is worth the risk. If this is going to open us up to being more vulnerable with each other—then I will risk the possibility of being rejected. I know I'm so safe within myself, I can handle anything that comes my way. So, tell someone about your anxious attachment or your trauma history when you feel safe, and when they make you feel safe.
So now, you're in a relationship—I want to just talk about how even when you're in a relationship with someone who has secure attachment but you have an insecure attachment style, it's not just everything's amazing and everything is fixed.
Maryann: Yeah, it's still hard. Our partners are a mirror for us. He's so safe and gives me so much love—it's hard for me to receive it because of the unworthiness already in my body. What I had to do was lean into the part of me that felt like I didn't deserve this—and nurture that part of me. That's Internal Family Systems, where you embrace that part of you that is scared, rejected, or abandoned. You lean into that because that's your inner child. When you're getting triggered now, that's your inner child getting scared. And when you think of a child, you don't shame it for being scared or get mad at it. I had to ask myself, What does my inner child need right now?
You really have to be patient with yourself. I've had so many breakdowns throughout this relationship, not feeling like I deserved his love. I kept a journal, and I would write him letters every single day. They're not easy letters to write. It's over 240 letters, sometimes they are breakup letters. I'm at a place where I'm so aware of myself that I'm not going to run away. Also, my therapist is like, this is a healing relationship, don't sabotage this. But if I run away and sabotage this, I'm also running away from the wound.
When you're having those moments where you're writing breakup letters to him, did you communicate that to him?
Maryann: Yeah, my therapist helped me do that. She told me I needed words of affirmation which makes sense because I'm a writer. There was one time I was feeling very insecure about the relationship, and I voiced it for the first time. It was scary to ask for my needs in this new relationship. It's not easy for me to feel worthy enough to ask for my needs, and I wondered if he was just going to reject me. My therapist told me a lot of couples break up because it's harder to ask for your needs than to just break up and start over with a new person—but then you have the same problems. It sounded so silly to ask for words of affirmation, but he received it so well. From that, I just felt deeper in our relationship because I allowed myself to be vulnerable by asking for what I needed. I think women feel shame around this, they label us needy already. But that's what you need to maintain a relationship, the back and forth of asking for your needs—and being able to support your partner too. So we do have checkpoints, are you getting what you need?Especially because we're in a long-distance relationship right now.
I saw one therapist on Tik Tok had said meeting each other's needs in a relationship is the glue of the relationship. If you cannot meet each other's needs, there's nothing that's going to keep you together. I feel like there's also a misconception that we need to be fully healed to date.
Maryann: Yeah, I hate that, and based on my experience, you heal in relationships. We break in relationships and we heal in relationships. If you have relational trauma, that's trauma because of a caretaker or a friend, a lot of us have relational trauma that can only be healed with a healing relationship. A relationship that's going to create experiences to repair what you didn't get. You don't have to be fully healed, because we're constantly evolving. There's no expiration or end date. We do not have to be fully healed, I'd say it's important just to have self awareness and the willingness to build a strong loving relationship with yourself.
How did you get into somatic writing?
Maryann: It was through my journal and anonymous writing through @sincerelymissmary. I had created this persona and channeled this person that didn't exist yet. I was channeling my higher self. I was utilizing Internal Family Systems within my writing and embracing all the wounded parts of me. There would be self-deprecating poems, and that was okay because I was witnessing the part of me that hated herself. I'm giving that part a voice. Eventually writing all those parts out, all those wounded parts in my poetry, I got to a place where I could let my embodied self speak, my highest and future self. The person that I know deserves love and compassion. I didn't even know I was using somatic writing when I started my poetry. That's what I now incorporate within my writing process. So, I have a framework where you are doing inner child nurturing, you're manifesting your higher self within a session of writing about a chapter about your life. When you're writing about trauma, you want to be in a place where you can have compassion and acceptance for yourself—and willing to feel the feelings that come up when you're relieving trauma. As you are writing, feel that emotion in your body. Identify where it is, don't shame yourself for feeling it. You want to complete the emotional regulation of feeling that feeling of anger, you want to complete it, and get it out of your body. So that means leaning into it or that's going to get stuck. Giving it a voice.
How do you practice compassion for yourself?
Maryann: My journaling routine every morning. I write myself a love letter and I write my boyfriend a letter. Journaling has been an important part of my everyday life.
What brings you joy?
Maryann: Creativity and being open to what that looks like. I think creativity is abundant. I've always been a creative person, I had a career in fashion. That act of creating something in the present moment and not knowing what the result is because you're so in the creative process. That's why we do it. That fire inside of us. That's where I get joy from.
Maryann’s Journaling Tips
1. When feeling anxious about the future or that you'll never receive the things you desire, write a letter of prayer to your future self, knowing they will guide you to where you want to be.
2. When feeling triggered with heavy emotion, write a letter nurturing your inner child and acknowledge the emotions you are currently feeling in your body and allow yourself to sit with these body sensations for at least 90 seconds. This is how we regulate our emotions and nervous system.
3. When you have feelings of unworthiness, write a letter as your future self to your present-day self passing you affirmations and wisdom to keep moving forward.
Maryann’s Most Recommended Reads
I cried so many times while reading this book. She takes us through her journey of breaking free from the societal pressure of having to perform for everyone and reclaiming her identity.
She is unapologetically vulnerable in her storytelling and in her emotions. I also love the way she carries us through the present moment while also taking us back to memories being triggered from the past. The back and forth of her storytelling from her past to present is so accurate to the human experience. We are all moving forward while also having encounters reminding us of the past.
Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
This was the first book I read that introduced me to trauma being held in the body and how we can release it through different healing modalities. This book was a heavy read and triggering at times, but was a big part of my choosing the healing modalities of EMDR and neurofeedback.
This book empowered me to step into leadership as an entrepreneur from a place of wholeness rather than ego. Being a leader is having the courage to be vulnerable and meet yourself where you are at while also knowing when to ask for support in your role.
The Glass Castle By Jeannette Walls
This is a compelling story about the complexities of family dysfunction and how we can learn to love people from a distance.