IS IT POSSIBLE TO SELF-HEAL?
Hello from Saint Tropez! I'm feeling very proud of myself today for once again overcoming my all-consuming anxiety to complete yet another long-haul flight solo. Yes, I travel often so it shouldn't be a big deal but I always try to celebrate these wins because they feel big to me. Now I'll be spending the rest of May in the South of France before I settle in London for the coming months. This trip is something I've wanted to do for a really long time. I made an attempt at the start of 2020 after leaving my job but Covid thwarted my plans. So it honestly feels like a dream that I was really able to make it all happen.
In fact, it felt like the universe was conspiring to bring this all together for me. Each piece just came together seamlessly—this trip was destined. And it's not lost on me that my journey begins on the day of the lunar eclipse in Scorpio, which denotes major changes and perhaps destruction of past habits, routines, or ways of life. I'm excited about what this new chapter could look like for me, and what new opportunities, people, or perspectives it could bring into my life. I promise to keep you all posted.
Now, to close out Mental Health Awareness Month, I've tapped my surrogate therapist, aka my best friend, Melanie Robinson, to answer some of your questions about therapy, self-healing, and emotional triggers.
Is it possible to self-heal or is a therapist always needed?
My particular area of focus is with adults who experienced attachment ruptures, meaning there was inconsistent emotional or physical safety with parents or caregivers during childhood. Given that so many of the adult hurts we carry around happened in childhood in the context of a caregiver-child relationship, we often need a healing environment, like therapy, so that we can heal in the context of a safe relationship. I come from the orientation that you already possess all the resources and wisdom you need to heal - a therapist acts as a safe support to help guide you through your healing journey.
What are some characteristics of a good therapist?
You feel a sense of safety when speaking with them and they affirm your identities. They demonstrate curiosity, are nonjudgmental, predictable, and have boundaries but are not too rigid. They can hold multiple perspectives and invite you to do so with them. A good therapist can own their mistakes and make repairs in your relationship with them.
How do I make the most of a therapy session? Should I go in prepared?
You only need to show up as you are. You can bring in a theme or experience you want to spend time on but ultimately therapy is not a space that you need to optimize for maximum productivity. Therapy is a space for tuning in, listening to what you need, and getting support.
How do you know when it's time to try a new therapy like EMDR, IFS, etc if in talk therapy?
Oftentimes feeling stuck in therapy is when people begin to evaluate: is what I am doing helpful? Is it time for a new therapist or different type of treatment? You might be thinking something along the lines of, I intellectually understand my patterns, ways of thinking, feeling and how they have been shaped by my history but that doesn't seem to amount to change on a deeper emotional level. If you feel stuck can you bring it up in therapy? Being able to address stuckness is important as it can have some protective function; it is often employed as a protective strategy to keep us away from something that might be too overwhelming. Adjusting expectations for healing is also important. When developmental trauma has occurred it can take quite a while to move through the healing process. Also, traditional insight-oriented talk therapy can only go so far because trauma doesn't just exist in our thinking mind but in our nervous system, emotions, memories, and even our DNA. I hope with some exploration you can get more clarity on what feels right for you.
How do I communicate with a partner who compares me to previous partners?
First, get in touch with how it makes you feel and what you would like to be different. Then find a time that works for you and your partner to have an honest, vulnerable conversation. Share how this behavior makes you feel speaking from the from the I perspective. For example, “When you compare me to Jessy I feel hurt and disconnected from you.” Significant others are less likely to get defensive when we speak from our own emotional experience. Be clear about what your needs are and see if you can collaborate on how this could go differently.
How do I stop responding in anger when my anxiety is triggered?
Triggers are usually rooted in something historical and significantly painful for us. We really need to fully understand all aspects of what has come up before we can expect a different reaction when we are triggered. Here is a practice to try. Begin by approaching your anger and anxiety with a position of openness, curiosity, and nonjudgment. Get curious about why your anxiety has been triggered. How is anger attempting to help you in this situation? The responses we have when we are triggered are part of our protective system. Think of anger here as your own personal fire alarm: something tender gets touched and alarm bells go off.
There is a vast spectrum of mental health issues, and they all come with varying degrees of stigma. I generally stick to the lanes that I know or feel most comfortable talking about, so I was so thrilled when one of my Instagram followers reached out to connect me with Amanda Beausoleil, the CEO of the mental health non-profit SIRA (Self-Injury Recovery Anonymous). This global peer support group helps individuals seeking recovery from self-injury (i.e., cutting, burning, picking). Amanda spoke so open and honestly with me about her story and how she had engaged in self-injury since the age of 10 years old, while also struggling with Bipolar disorder. “I realized pain [from cutting] alleviated overwhelming feelings and it felt like I found a loophole to feeling my emotions.” Now she's dedicating her life to helping others on their path to recovery. Below, Amanda shares insight around her experience, common misconceptions of self harm, and the power of peer support groups.
What is self-injury?
The technical term is non-suicidal self-injury. Non-suicidal self-injury is the deliberate, self-directed damage of body tissue without suicidal intent and for purposes not socially or culturally sanctioned. It's intentional, but it is different from suicide behaviors.
What's a common misconception about those who self-injure?
That we're trying to kill ourselves. I attempted suicide three times or so, but I never used cutting for my suicide attempts, ever, because I saw that as my safe haven. That's when I'm trying to pretend to put a smile on my face and pretend that everything's okay. I get emails from parents saying, my child's trying to kill themselves. They attempted suicide. And I was like, okay, well, what did they do? And they'll say, they cut themselves. And I'm like, no, they're just trying to survive. They're not trying to die. They still need help, obviously, but that's not their goal when it comes to self-injury.
People also think that people who self-injure are scary or dark. I was a cheerleader my whole life. I knew how to take command. I knew how to lead. I wasn't anti-social in any sense of the word. So I think that was a huge contrast. I never really tried to hide my cuts. I wore my high school uniform, it was sleeveless. So I knew people would see, but I also took advantage of the stigma—I knew no one would talk to me about it.
What made you stop cutting?
I had just graduated college, I was living in Brooklyn, and I can't even remember why I was cutting that day. Sometimes there's no reason you're just cutting to cut. This time I started crying, though, because I was like, I can't believe I've been doing it this long. I'm an adult now, and I've been able to manage all my other mental health issues. But this is the one thing I can't get control over. Over ten years have passed, what will the next ten years look like? I eventually want a family and I want kids. And what if my kids walk in on me and they see me cutting myself and they think that's how you show yourself love, or that's how you handle your emotions? So, the shame and embarrassment I felt no longer outweighed my desire to get help.
What was recovery like?
I found a peer support group and I went the next week. I didn't know what to expect. I stigmatized people just like me. I thought they'd be really weird, and nothing like me, and I wouldn't relate to them. But it was all different types of people, from all backgrounds, from PhD candidates to engineers, designers, dancers, just everyone. I was surprised just how insightful and brilliant they were. I just felt like they knew what I was thinking. So many times I felt, I've literally thought that so many times they were reading my mind. So it was just a great group to be seen and heard and not feel judged and people understood me. That was something I never felt in a therapist's office, even though I have great therapists, they didn't get it, and a lot of doctors don't get it.
How can someone support a loved one going through the same situation?
I always say, approach it with reasonable curiosity. They don't want to feel judged, they don't want to feel like they're a burden, just let them know that you're on their team. Say, hey, I support you, and if you need to talk to me about something, I'm here to listen. Listening is the best thing. They don't necessarily need advice. They just need someone that knows that they're there for them. And I always say, let that person tell their story to you. Don't out them or accuse them of anything, even if it is obvious and you see it. Let them tell you. It's their story to tell and just let them know that you're open to it. Open to listening and ask if they want help because you can't help someone who doesn't want help.
Why choose a peer support group like SIRA? And what are the benefits?
A lot of people have had really bad experiences with doctors and self-injury. A lot of health care professionals stigmatize us and don't want to deal with us because they see us as a liability, and don't know how to approach a patient about their self-injury. Even my therapist has said that. She told me a co-worker of hers came to her one day and was like, hey, I got a new patient. They cut themselves. I don't want them. Will you take them?
According to Mental Health America, peer support groups empower people to make the best decisions for themselves and to strive towards their goals in their communities. Peers are an essential component of recovery-focused systems and are key across settings and stages of recovery.
SIRA meetings increased by 400% attendance during the pandemic, and Google searches for self-injury resources also went up 450%.
In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, please consider donating to any of these organizations.
before you go…
Loveland Foundation: founded by Rachel Cargle to help provide free therapy to Black women and girls.
SIRA: support the non-profit's outreach, education, and recovery programs for those who engage in self-injury.
National Alliance for Mental Illness: The largest grassroots mental health organization that's dedicated to education and advocacy for those with mental health issues.
Compassion Prison Project: Bringing childhood trauma awareness and education to prisons.
For more FWD JOY content on mental health click here.
