8 BOOKS FOR ANXIETY, SEXUALITY, AND SUCCESS
This year I decided I would let myself off the hook a little and stop feeling the need to be constantly *learning*, so I haven't been reading as much as I typically do. But I'd never let that stop me from handing out book recommendations because it's something that truly brings me joy.
When I was growing up, my godmother's husband had an extensive library, and he always kept multiple copies of his favorite books so that he could give them out as gifts or if anyone was ever looking for a recommendation. I've been a book nerd since birth, so I always felt excited to leave their house with something new to read. And I dream of the day when I'll have my own home library where I'll send people home with a good book. But for now, I'll keep it virtual.
Whether you're looking for a book to help you learn to sit with uncertainty and change, something to teach you more about the complexity of female desire, or if you just want to learn some basic principles for a more spiritual life, these are some of my favorite reads.
“Many of the gut signals reaching the brain will not only generate gut sensations, such as the fullness after a nice meal, nausea and discomfort, and feelings of well-being, but will also trigger responses of the brain that it sends back to the gut, generating distinct gut reactions. And the brain doesn't forget about these feelings, either. Gut feelings are stored in vast databases in the brain, which can later be accessed when making decisions.”
Combining neuroscience with microbiome studies, Mayer really breaks down how intense feelings can affect our gut, which can then affect our brain and overall health. Our stomachs contain so many nerve endings, which is why we often feel anxiety in our stomachs. And as someone who suffers from anxiety and IBS, I'm acutely aware and hypersensitive to my mind-gut activity. This book also calls for us to consider more carefully what our gut is trying to tell us when it is having reactions to people or events in our lives.
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck, PhD
“True self-confidence is “the courage to be open—to welcome change and new ideas regardless of their source.” Real self-confidence is not reflected in a title, an expensive suit, a fancy car, or a series of acquisitions. It is reflected in your mindset: your readiness to grow.”
Whether you're a parent, a student, entering the workforce or starting your own business— I cannot recommend this book enough. Psychologist Carol Dweck perfectly illustrates how our mindset can affect how we see and use our talents. Are you someone who tends to think of your capabilities as fixed or finite? Or are you someone who is always willing to learn new things? Dweck argues that confidence and success come from the growth mindset for those who are looking to be challenged and overcome obstacles.
Living Beautifully: With Uncertainty and Change by Pema Chodron
“May we all learn that pain is not the end of the journey, and neither is delight. We can hold them both—indeed hold it all—at the same time, remembering that everything in these quixotic, unpredictable, unsettled and unsettling, exhilarating and heart-stirring times is a doorway to awakening in a sacred world.”
Pema Chodron is, hands down, one of my favorite Buddhist writers. A constant in all her books is a reminder that to be alive is to always be on shaky ground. But we can learn how to transcend this through the Three Vows. The first vow is a commitment to doing our best and trying not to cause harm with words or actions, the second is to help others, and the final vow is to embrace the world just as it is. Her words are a soothing balm for any fears we may have around what feels like a constantly chaotic world.
“Most people who are in the process of excavating the reasons they do what they do are met at some point with resistance. “You're blaming the past.” “Your past is not an excuse.” This is true. Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation—offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves: Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I do? For me, there is no doubt that our strengths, vulnerabilities, and unique responses are an expression of what happened to us. Very often, “what happened” takes years to reveal itself. It takes courage to confront our actions, peel back the layers of trauma in our lives, and expose the raw truth of our past. But this is where healing begins.”
Learning about trauma has been one of the best things I've done for myself over the last several years. It has helped me dig deeper into my own emotional work and learn so much more about myself and my family dynamics. I truly wish everyone would take it upon themselves to learn the basics around trauma, which would really help us have so much more compassion for one another. In this book, Oprah weaves a lot of her own personal stories of trauma and resilience while brain and trauma expert Dr. Bruce Perry provides the scientific research and emotional insight to how trauma and healing shapes our lives. The Body Keeps the Score is also a very well-known book about trauma, but it's a more complex and heavier read.
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
“You accept things as they are, not as you wish they were in this moment. This is important to understand. You can wish for things in the future to be different, but in this moment you have to accept things as they are. When you feel frustrated or upset by a person or a situation, remember that you are not reacting to the person or the situation, but to your feelings about the person or the situation. These are your feelings, and your feelings are not someone else's fault. When you recognize and understand this completely, you are ready to take responsibility for how you feel and to change it. And if you can accept things as they are, you are ready to take responsibility for your situation and for all the events you see as problems.”
This is a sentiment I really try to live by. This Deepak Chopra book is a quick read and great for someone who is curious about the basic pillars of spirituality. From the Law of Karma to the Law of Detachment, Chopra's timeless wisdom can help shift perspective in all areas of our lives.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PhD
“Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people's needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others.”
This book is a game-changer for anyone who has lived with a selfish, emotionally immature, or unavailable caretaker. So much of the way we see the world is shaped by our parent's influence, and it can have lasting and, at times, detrimental effects on the way we view ourselves, our abilities, and our relationships with other people. If you took on more responsibility than needed as a child, or your feelings were often dismissed, or you felt unheard, this book can help you see the light and learn how to set boundaries with those caretakers and care for yourself.
“Being witnessed is essential to our humanity, our growth, and our ability to move past the trauma that we have survived. If astrology does its job, it offers a mirror in which we see both our best selves and our growth edges.”
So you want to learn more about astrology? Chani Nicholas' book is the best guide for that. It's part memoir and part astrological encyclopedia to help you make sense of your birth chart. Learning my birth chart has been profoundly empowering for me over the years. Knowing yours can help you feel more confident in your strengths and talents, as well as help you reframe challenges you might face in your life.
“Cynicism is popular because it stimulates the brain chemicals that make you feel good. It stimulates dopamine by making the world feel predictable. It triggers serotonin by making you feel superior to “the jerks.” It triggers oxytocin by telling you who to trust. You pay a high price for these moments, unfortunately, because cynicism keeps you focused on problems instead of opportunities.”
I read this book years ago and I'm probably overdue for a re-read. This isn't about toxic positivity–Dr. Breuning has written numerous titles about brain chemistry when it comes to happiness and anxiety. As humans, we're wired to be on alert for threats—but that can evolve into us getting stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts. Her book provides practical steps to helping rewire our brains to focus on the positive by also teaching us how cynical thoughts get formed in the first place. If you're looking to learn how to form new neural pathways this is the book.
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Change Your Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD
“I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire but not subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male. And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy.”
Much like the books Attached or Nonviolent Communication, I believe this book is essential reading. Every woman or person who has sex with women needs to read this book dedicated to female sexuality. It unpacks everything that's wrong with how we talk about women, sex, and desire. One of the biggest lessons being that women's desire for sex heavily depends on context—meaning the ups and downs of everyday life have a big impact on our arousal, desire, and orgasm.