The First Step is Admitting You Have a Problem, Right?
I am addicted to my phone.
I have always believed my phone usage wasn't an issue—it's part of my job! Anytime I have conversations with friends about how much we use our phones, they typically excuse my usage with the same reasoning, “well, it is your job.” But where is the line between being on my phone for work and being on my phone just because?
My best friend and my parents are the only ones who have really checked me on this bad habit. And then I met my boyfriend. He is very detached from technology—so much so that I almost tossed him away over his lack of texting in the early days of dating. He accepts that being on my phone is a big part of my job, but he still does not like how much I'm on it. Of course, because I enjoy his company, I'm rarely on my phone and am mindful of my usage when we're together. I can spend a whole weekend with him and not pull out my phone to take a single photo. But he still experiences me as being attached to it.
The biggest victim of my screen time, though, has been my sleep. I couldn't tell you how long it's been going on, but I have been unable to sleep through the night for ages. I know it's normal to wake up occasionally in the middle of the night; that's no real cause for concern. However, I was waking up almost every two to three hours every night. And what do you think I kept close to me and would check every time I woke up? It is now obvious to me that there is a forceful energy at play when we sleep with our iPhones.
I felt like I hit rock bottom during my trip to New York last month to speak at the Business of Fashion Technology Summit. The morning of the event, I woke up at 2:30 am and could not fall back asleep. The screaming girls on my floor at 11Howard at 3 am didn't help (side note: I'm never staying there again as much as I love the location). But fueling my desperation to fall back asleep was the fact that my Glamsquad makeup was coming at 7:30 am, so I knew I had to be up by 7 am.
I tried all my tricks: listening to a podcast, reading a book, deep breathing, counting backward, and guided meditation to no avail. Unfortunately, I didn't have the WeedSport sleep gummies that I love on me, either. I never fell back asleep. Luckily, adrenaline got me through the speaking engagement with relative ease, but I could feel myself crashing with every passing hour after I had finished. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I had never felt so sleep-deprived as I felt that day. In my final act of desperation, I went to the airport more than three hours early for my 11 pm flight because I knew I could nap for an hour in the car on the way to JFK Airport.
So cut to two days later, I am on a mini vacation with my boyfriend in the South of France, and I suggested that we start sleeping with our phones outside the bedroom—beginning that night. My suggestion was inspired mainly by the fact that I've heard how screens in the bedroom (whether that's TV, tablets, or iPhones) kill intimacy. There's more and more research coming out about how our phones are re-wiring our brains, and I had recently read The Atlantic article about the terrible cost of phone-based childhoods, which gave me pause to think more about my own relationship to my phone. Sure, I watched The Social Dilemma and it merely inspired me to turn off every notification on my phone but I still check it nonstop.
Anyway, my boyfriend loved my idea but was suspicious of whether I could make it through the night without my phone. He joked that I would be getting up in the middle of the night to check it. Of course, that crossed my mind, but it wasn't even possible because that first night with no phones, I slept solidly through the night for the first time in months. I never woke up once. Such was the case the second night and the night after that, and now it's been two weeks. My sleep has never been better.
Honestly, I never thought the impact of removing my phone from the bedroom would be so instant. I always assumed I was a “good” sleeper because I have no issues falling asleep at night—and that played a role in my denial that the phone could be affecting my sleep. Not to mention, I would often wake up with this heart-racing rush that I had to check my phone because what if one of my parents had an accident and was in the hospital while I was sleeping, or what if a nude photo of me had leaked, or suddenly everyone on the internet hated me, etc.
Now, I don't wake up with that rush. I've implemented a no phone until 8 am rule since I typically wake up between 630 and 730 am. As soon as I wake up, I read in bed. I had not been making enough time to read physical books in the last few months, and I've already finished two. I feel more peaceful in the mornings. At night, I try to put my phone away by 10 pm or I'll switch over to my laptop, which doesn't have the same addicting feeling, and it's just not as fun to scroll on Instagram.com.
So, my plea to everyone: stop sleeping with your phone in your bedroom! It feels so good to create this boundary for myself and stick with it. I thought it would be a much harder habit to break, but as I said, the impact has been profound on my energy levels and mental health and that's what keeps me going.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in a week, so I texted him with a progress report:
Now I just have to focus on my daytime usage. To be continued…
A few more things on my mind:
Today is the Solar Eclipse in Aries! As always, if you want to know where you might be affected, look up your birth chart and look at the house that is ruled by Aries (everyone has Aries in their chart). For once, I'm a little bummed that I won't be in the US to see the eclipse. Shout out to Warby Parker for their eclipse glasses mailer, my mom is very excited to use them. But if you follow astrology content on social media during eclipse season, it usually makes you think you're a) about to meet the love of your life, b) getting dumped, c) losing your job, d) going to lose a member of your family, or e) all of the above. I actively avoid much of this content, which is steeped in fearmongering for views. I hate it. Quite frankly, it gives me anxiety, even though I know better, but that's why I interviewed astrologers I admire about eclipses in 2022. It feels like there's little room to talk about the subtle shifts that can happen during this time, like my decision to create this boundary with my phone. That coincided with the Libra eclipse on March 25th in my 6th House (of routine/health)—I didn't even realize it in the moment. So, that was a great reminder that eclipses don't always have to feel dramatic.
The Dance of Intimacy book has really left a lasting impression on me. I talked about this on IG Stories, but I'm mentioning it here too in case anyone missed it. While this book is outdated (published in 1989) it really has some impactful advice about how we get stuck having the same arguments and problems with our loved ones. I thought it gave so many great examples of dynamics people can get stuck in with their family or their romantic partners and how to break the cycle. I had a little breakthrough about my relationship with my mother while reading it—and there was definitely some advice I've already been implementing with her.
Speaking of relationships, I also just listened to the world-renowned researchers and clinical psychologists John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute on Diary of a CEO podcast. The couple has a “love lab” where they've conducted interviews with over 3,000 couples. Their insight is invaluable. On this podcast, they share research like men who kiss their wives before they go to work live longer, how men need intimacy outside of sex but don't know how to ask for it, and 96% of non-cuddlers have terrible sex lives apparently! They have so much great insight on the problems that come up in relationships, ones that are solvable and unsolvable, and just how that impacts whether a relationship can go the distance. I absolutely love to hear the science behind coupling up.
I have a newfound obsession with Martha Stewart. I watched her Masterclass last week and felt…really inspired? I never really knew her story, but I think in our current culture that is obsessed with and priortizes youth, and this idea that we're all behind in life or running out of time—it's cool to see how her career didn't really start taking off until her 40s and 50s. She is someone who really follows her passions (all of them!) and found a way to make money off of every single one. I also discovered (via Jen Atkin's IG stories) CNN has a documentary called The Many Lives of Martha Stewart, so I am cueing that up next!
I'm on a mission to rebrand vulnerability one sweatshirt at a time.
Shop my collaboration with The Mayfair Group here!