No One Tells YoU How Hard It Is to Choose Yourself

I am week seven into my breakup and no contact with my ex-boyfriend. I’ve always been the dumpee, never the dumper, so this has been a whole new world. I can’t deny there’s a part of me that feels empowered. For once, I got to be the one that says, sorry, this doesn’t work for me. I know what I want, and I’m aligning my decisions and actions with my long-term goal of being in a fulfilling relationship with someone I can build a life with—and I see it as an assertion of my value. Yet, a part of me feels like being the dumpee is easier because the self-doubt around my decision to walk away was almost unbearable.

Maybe I should’ve given the relationship more time.

He’s a really good guy.

What if I never find someone like him?

What if this was the wrong decision?

What if I regret this?

When you’ve spent years (or, in my case, at least a decade) continuously lusting and chasing after guys who can’t give you what you want or staying in situationships long past their expiration date, you’re so accustomed to giving someone else the power to decide the fate of your relationship. You cherish every glimmer of attention and downplay the reality that something deeply important is missing—their ability to show up for you.  Time and time again, I handed over all my power to these guys. I thought I just had to keep proving myself worthy, and eventually, I might win them over and then inspire them to be the man I wanted them to be. The only time I could walk away was if the house was on fire, as I like to say— as in it had to be so obvious that it was a dangerous situation and there was nothing left there for me. I didn’t know that I could be the one who decides, at the first red flag, this doesn’t feel good, and it’s not what I want.

When those relationships, whether they were years-long situationships or two-week flings, ended, they felt shattering to me. I was in a state of complete disempowerment after spending so much energy trying to get someone to commit to me. It took me so long to understand how I was a willing participant in my own suffering. There was the lack of boundaries, no understanding of my own relational needs or ability to communicate those needs appropriately, the overanalyzing, the hypervigilance, and the belief that my worth was connected to being chosen. A man wanting to be in a relationship with me would perhaps give my life more meaning or purpose.

So, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I didn’t realize how much courage I would need to muster up, especially when there was still a lot of love and respect in our relationship. I wasn't stressed, I didn't have that pit in my stomach, but there was a cloud of doubt looming over my head. I’m sure anyone who’s been in a similar situation knows that it is unnerving to walk away from something that still feels good. It seems completely counterintuitive to everything we know. Yes, you could settle in and hope for the best, but then how do you shake the feeling that this isn’t really your final destination? 

To walk away is to acknowledge that this is good, but I am willing to take a chance on the unknown, to find what’s really for me. It requires a great deal of trust that our lives have purpose and will unfold in a meaningful way—even if that doesn’t include the fairytale romance. That's the big question, right? What happens if I never find my person? No one is promised a big love. My only response is that now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that my life will still have meaning regardless.

Funny enough, this relationship gave me even more hope for the future. If I could find a man this good, but he wasn’t it for me, then there must be someone even better out there. I know dating is not easy right now— there’s a lot of talk about just how hard it is, and I don’t disagree. I’m not ready to jump back into the dating pool just yet, getting back on a dating app is not remotely appealing. Still, none of that stops me from feeling hopeful about the life I want to live and hopefully share with someone. It also doesn't stop me from feeling like my life in this very moment is worthwhile and fulfilling. And it's okay if that feeling doesn't come naturally to you, I had to make a conscious effort to create a life that I love. Now, in this place, it’s easier to trust that the love I deserve is looking for me, too.