HOW I RESTORED TRUST IN MYSELF

The moon was in Capricorn all weekend, culminating in a Full Moon yesterday. This is my natal placement, so naturally, I was feeling a bit emo and reflective all weekend. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, the planet that governs ambition, responsibility, discipline and structure. This isn’t easy energy to deal with typically—but it’s an energy I’ve become familiar with because of it’s prominence in my chart. Most of my life has revolved around overcoming restrictions that were placed on me by others or most often my own conditioning. I spent some time journaling about how different I’ve felt in this last year, but I’ve also experienced significant expansion over the last four years since leaving my full-time job, and then the last eight years since I began my spiritual journey. I still don’t have it all figured out (and probably never will!) but as always I try to honor and appreciate the moments, even the difficult ones, that led me here. 

In the last year, I have restored my trust in myself. A big part of that was due to walking away from the relationship I was in. Of course, I trust myself when it comes to many things in life, but for so long, I felt like I couldn’t navigate a romantic situation alone. Over the years, I’ve watched friends around me fall into relationships seemingly effortlessly. It felt like they were equipped with some road map or instruction manual I never received. So, I searched for advice and answers in books. Then, I worked with astrologers and tarot readers to help me navigate dating situations in hopes that I would somehow make fewer mistakes and wouldn’t have to sit with discomfort so often. I didn’t realize how much I outsourced my power to others and how it paralyzed my decision-making. 

So, it was a big deal to break up with my ex-boyfriend without running it by a single friend or seeking guidance from a spiritual mentor beforehand. I trusted that I had enough information to make the best decision for myself, and even though I experienced some confusion in the early days of the breakup (as to be expected from my attachment system doing its thing), the more distance I got from my ex, the more I knew I made the right call. Recently, I heard on a podcast that we can build self-trust by committing to small acts (i.e., making our bed every day or deciding to go to the gym five times a week) and actually keeping those promises to ourselves. I thought that seemed too easy, but now I understand. Following my gut and finding peace in my decision allowed me to trust that I can navigate my romantic conundrums. 

Four years ago, I took the leap of faith to leave my incredible full-time job as an editor at Harper’s Bazaar Digital to work for myself. It went against everything I was taught by my immigrant parents—prioritize stability and financial security above all else. But after several years of that little voice gnawing at me, I couldn’t keep ignoring the fact that I was outgrowing my job and tired of playing small. It’s very Capricorn moon of me, but I have always felt a sense of great responsibility to make an impact with my life. I owed it to myself to find out exactly what that meant. My belief in myself had to be so big that it would drown out the doubts and fears I had, especially when things didn’t immediately fall into place. We went into COVID lockdown just six weeks after my last day in office. So, I used that time as wisely as possible to brainstorm and visualize what life could look like in this new chapter and where to focus my energy. When things did start to pick up and fall into place about four months later, I knew I was right where I was meant to be. In fact, every day since I left that job has felt like a reward for taking that leap. 

Eight years ago, I embarked on this healing and spiritual journey that I had no idea would be so transformative. I had no idea the peace, clarity, and perspective it would offer me. Of course, I don't have all the answers and I still get rattled, but I have a framework, a belief system, and tools that allow me to feel more grounded in a world that is endlessly chaotic, unpredictable, and stressful. 

I was in a dark place when I started: heartbroken and feeling completely disempowered because I handed all my power over to a guy who didn’t really want to be with me. Notice the theme about giving your power away? When this years-long on-and-off again situationship blew up, I was finally ready to confront what had led me to this point, starting with my lack of self-worth, boundaries, and any clarity on what I wanted out of a relationship. It’s been a very slow and gradual unlearning process, peeling back the layers of the onion. There were countless moments I wished there was a fast-forward button to speed up the healing process because I never thought I would actually make it to the other side. No part of it felt easy, but I kept going because I wanted to know my authentic self beneath the wounded version that was in control.

All these situations led me to where I am today. Never underestimate what can come out of these moments when you feel completely lost, confused, or broken. If someone had told me in 2016 that the guy I was in love with would be the catalyst that would help me become the person I am today, I would have looked at them like they had three heads. I have a lot more compassion for myself today and those younger versions of myself, even though it can be hard and fucking cringe to think about how I’ve acted in the past. When we finally know better, it’s easy to feel like we’ve *always* known, but I do have to remind myself that I was once fucking clueless. Now, I know I can show up for myself and those younger parts. I can recognize what I need and give it to myself. I’ve also stretched my capacity to sit with my own discomfort and the unknown. There is less urgency to have all the answers right away because I know that, eventually, all will be revealed. 

Now, let’s get into some of the questions you’ve submitted recently:

 How do you capitalize on astrology and Human design to manifest your desires and live authentically?

I’m a Generator in Human Design, meaning I have a magnetic aura that draws people and opportunities to me as long as I am rooted in my pursuit of what makes me happy and fulfilled. It’s really important for me to follow my curiosity and feel satisfied with what I’m doing. When I learned about my HD energy type, I was able to see how it’s been in play my entire career. I’ve always managed to attract the right job opportunities for me or I’ve been in the right place at the right time to meet someone who would create a bridge for me to get to where I wanted to be. I was always passionate about pursuing a career in fashion, and I believe that people could easily see that in me. I was committed to working hard and I was able to meet those opportunities as they arose. 

This energy type is also really helpful for me in my current influencer gig because this is a very unstable business. It reminds me to stay focused on pursuing, documenting, and sharing what feels good to me, which helps me attract more business opportunities. 

When it comes to astrology, knowing the transits and where they’re going to be concentrated in my natal chart helps me understand what parts of my life are going to be receiving the most planetary assistance or tension. I pay close attention to the year-long transit of Jupiter (planet of good luck and abundance) and the two-and-a-half year-long transit of Saturn (planet of discipline and responsibility). So I can use that energy to help make shit happen, depending on what part of my chart. There can be other significant transits, and astrological happenings though, that can lead to unexpected breakthroughs, like the eclipses that happen in pairs twice a year.

Best advice for dating as a 24-year-old who has never been in a relationship?

First of all, you are normal. The way we date and get into relationships has changed a lot over the last decade or two. We can’t compare where we’re at with how things worked for older generations anymore. It’s like buying a house; back in the ‘80s, the average age of a first-time homeowner was 29, and today it’s 35…if you're lucky! I think people who have never been in a relationship in their twenties are much more common than we know. It’s just that people never really talk about it openly! There’s shame and embarrassment, often accompanied by a belief that there’s something wrong with us—especially if they’re the only ones in their friend group. But trust me, there are others like you, and I was one of them. Even though I had dated a bit and been in a few situationships by that age, I wasn’t in my first serious relationship until last year at 37. 

My best advice, which I would also go back and tell my younger self, is that you don’t have to take things so seriously yet. Have fun with dating and meeting new people. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, and don’t be afraid to get hurt. If you want to love, you will experience pain. It’s a part of life, but every time you do it, you build resilience. Get to know yourself as best you can and unpack any self-limiting beliefs and/or complicated views you might have about relationships, especially if healthy relationships weren’t modeled for you at home. This will all impact how you choose partners. Therapy can be a big help with this. Also, make a list of how you want to *feel* and things you would want to do with the person you’re in a relationship with. Don’t focus so much on the aesthetics. Finally, men are really straightforward, and if they are not making an effort to spend time with you, or are telling you they don’t want a relationship or commitment, BELIEVE THEM.
 

How are you dealing with the existential dread overtaking America heading into November? Honestly, I block out a lot of it because so much of it is noise from the media. I came from that world, so I know how the news cycle works. I’m committed to doing my part, and I’m supporting the democratic party no matter what because the next president will appoint potentially up to 3 Supreme Court Justices—and we’ve already gotten a taste of the havoc they can wreck. As a Black woman, I am also acutely aware and constantly confronted with the fact that this country is broken, and it ain’t just because of this election cycle. Just this week, I watched NFL Hall of Famer Terell Davis on Good Morning America talking about how he was wrongfully handcuffed and detained by the FBI on a United Airlines flight. I also watched a TikTok about 36-year-old Sonya Massey, who called the police to her Illinois home in the middle of the night because she thought there was an intruder, only for her to end up murdered by the Sheriff. It took over ten days for the story to make headlines. 

There are so many people (i.e., white women) who are so committed to voting against their own best interests, so sometimes I think things have to become so bad that people see the errors of their ways—and that may be where America is headed come November. When the country starts stripping rights away from those who always thought they’d be protected, maybe they’ll finally open their eyes. However, I’m not resigning myself to the idea that Trump is definitely going to win. Only time will tell.

How are you taking care of your skin in your late 30s? ~sponsored

I am very, very particular about my skincare routine since, at 38 years old, I’m still very acne-prone. I’m not interested in injectables at the moment because I don’t feel that I need them but I’m not against them. 

My biggest concern is getting rid of my hyperpigmentation and making sure my skin tone is even and bright. If I get any hint of a pimple, regardless of whether I pop it or touch it, it leaves a dark spot.  So, a few months ago, I started using a new brand called Brownkind. I like that it’s created for melanin-rich skin by dermatologists of color. They helped me understand that signs of aging are different for darker-skinned people. Before I tested it out, I ran all their ingredients through this skincare ingredient checker, and all came back clear of any pore-clogging ingredients! It takes a lot for me to adopt a new skincare system. I’ve really enjoyed how gentle the products are. The moisturizers are super hydrating, and all their products are formulated with their Even Tone Defender, which comprises three phytonutrients (Indian Gooseberry, Rainbow Algae, and Cacoa) to help fight dark spots. I’ve been using it for the last 4 months, and I’ve been really pleased with how my skin's looking. 

Brownkind is also hosting a free breathwork session led by my friend Neelou Malekpour tomorrow, Tuesday, July 23rd at 6PM EST. Sign up here. 

How have female friendships changed in your 30s?

Entering the third decade feels like we’re inching closer to the person we’re meant to be. We may go through major career changes, move cities or countries, become dedicated to personal growth, get married, or have a child. Ultimately, everyone starts prioritizing their lives based on their values and what’s important to them. When I think back to friends I’ve become distant with over the years, I would chalk most of it up to diverging life paths. Very rarely did I have major falling outs with friends. I’ve had friends who weren’t interested in cultivating deep friendships or investing in our friendship so we just naturally drifted apart. I value having a few close friends with whom I can nurture a deep relationship. Due to the nature of my work, I also know a lot of people and have a wide range of friends outside of my core people. It’s normal to have different types of friendships. We have friends we go to for true intimacy, friends who share the same hobbies or work in the same industry, or more casual friendships. 

How to be patient when you crave the intimacy that is found with a partner while you’re single? Hookup culture isn’t appealing.

Vibrators are your friends, and orgasm is guaranteed every time! I talked about my outlook on this a bit more in my celibacy newsletter, but I’m just not interested in sex if the right stimulus isn’t there. I need connection and passion. I deeply value those things in a romantic and sexual relationship. So, the part of my brain that desires intimacy with a partner just kind of shuts down. However, I understand that everyone operates differently, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with seeking out a more casual connection to fulfill your sexual needs, as long as you’re safe and you protect your heart. 

How would you recommend making new friends?

Getting involved in a new hobby that you are genuinely interested in seems to be the best way to make new friends these days. Try signing up for classes to learn a foreign language, taking a pottery class, joining a gym, or even joining a run club is all the rage these days maybe you’ll find a bestie and a boyfriend? I make most of my new friends on social media, through work, or through other friends. 

The thing about forming new friendships, though, is that you really have to be prepared to court someone—it’s like dating. When I want to become friends or establish a connection with someone new I will do the work to ask them to hang out, and I’m okay with initiating a few times. After a certain point, if I feel like it’s not being reciprocated, then I’ll let that one go. 

As an independent mid-30s single gal myself, what’s your headspace on having kids?

I share a lot of myself and my views on the internet, but this is a topic I don’t feel comfortable sharing my thoughts on at the moment. I know it can be helpful when others share their hesitations or excitement about wanting to become a mother. At the end of the day, it is such a deeply personal decision that every woman has to make for herself.

How can I navigate situations where my friends and I like the same man romantically?

Wow, this question really brought me back to my youth! I’ve been involved in a few scenarios where I hooked up with someone my friend liked, or they hooked up with someone I liked— early 20s behavior! I firmly believe that it doesn’t matter who saw him or liked him first. This isn’t high school, and you cannot claim a man unless you are actually dating him. That man also has free will to be interested in whomever he chooses.  

Honesty is always the best policy with friends though. There should be no dating behind anyone’s back. The times that happened to me were really hurtful, not because the friend got the guy but because she felt the need to withhold it from me. If a friendship is on the line, everyone should take a step back. Trust me when I say competing with your friends over a man is never worth it. Years later you’re going to look back and feel really silly because there are so many other men out there.  

I also recently left a good relationship over red flags. How do you tell the difference between knowing it’s time to let go vs. giving them a chance? He’s a good guy.

The question about whether to leave a relationship can be really hard, and as I wrote earlier, it’s something you’re going to have to trust yourself on. As women, I think we second guess ourselves a lot when we already know the answer deep down.  

A good question to ask yourself about a red flag or something that bothers you about a person you’re in a relationship with: if they never changed, can you deal with this habit/behavior for the rest of your life?

I think when a partner is doing something we don’t like or that hurts us, it’s our responsibility to address it with them, and then it’s up to them to change that behavior, and if they can’t. Then you have your answer.