Unpacking the Anxious/Avoidant Dating Trip with Melanie Cooke

Since I was about 25, I have spent countless hours in therapy unpacking my ideology, patterns, and behaviors when it comes to romantic relationships. Nothing has had a greater impact on me than reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. The book breaks down Attachment Theory, discovered by psychologist John Bowlby in 1958, a framework that connects early childhood experiences with caregivers to how people connect in adult relationships. Suddenly, I had the vocabulary to explain all my overwhelming feelings while dating. I wasn't crazy, I just had anxious attachment.

I was about 30 years old at the time and just coming out of a cliche anxious-avoidant situationship. This book inspired me to break up with the therapist I had been seeing for nearly four years because, in all our many sessions, she failed to explain what was going on with me as clearly as the book did. So I deemed her ill-equipped to continue shepherding me through my dating journey. But honestly, no one was really talking about attachment styles around that time. 

I believed the insight I gained from reading Attached would solve all my problems, though. I knew why I was feeling so reactive and the red flags to look out for—yet I still found myself in relationships with avoidants. Only now, I had psychology terminology to throw at the objects of my affection, and I could diagnose them when things weren't going the way I wanted. It took me a long time before I was able to take responsibility for the fact that I was still a willing participant in the anxious-avoidant trap. It was all I knew. And it re-affirmed the stories I told myself that something was wrong with me and that I wasn't perfect enough to be loved. I thought that if I were healed enough or read enough books on the topic, the secure partner of my dreams would just materialize.

Honestly, it wasn't until recently that it finally all clicked for me. If I want something different out of relationships, I have to actually choose different. I have to go against what feels comfortable to me. So, I'm working on that!

I'm so thankful to have been connected with Melanie Cooke, a licensed mental health counselor based in NYC, for today's newsletter—thanks to my dear friend Matchmaker Maria. Below, Melanie and I unpack some of my thoughts about dating, my past experiences, how to evaluate whether a situationship is working for you, and what she thinks about the current state of dating. As always, if you want to listen to our FULL conversation, click the button below.

 Before we get into it, how do you define attachment theory, for those who aren't familiar?

It's a rubric for how we relate, and a lot of attachment theory was founded in our primary relationships with our parents and caregivers. There is a huge critique of early attachment theory as it was based on mothers, white, upper class. Since then, I think that there have been a lot of other identity intersections that have come into play, and it still seems like attachment theories are stable.

It's based on early caregivers, family relationships, and then our first relationships, how they developed, and how we developed from them that affects our adult relationships.

I think attachment styles come out in work styles sometimes in our work environment and our friendships, our relationship with money. So I think there's a broader range than what it initially was, but attachment theory at its core is that rubric for the way that we relate to other people, and it's this balance of space and closeness.

Can you break down the different attachment styles for us?

There is secure attachment and then insecure attachment, and there are a couple of different types of insecure attachment. 

Secure attachment is formed, having this development in early childhood throughout your life, having this balance of agency, autonomy, and independence. Your support and caregivers encouraged you to go outside and learn about yourself and build a sense of independence, but you also had experiences of intimacy, belonging, being able to depend on other people, and feeling comfortable that people depend on you. You have boundaries, you have your own intuition, and you can change boundaries accordingly, but you go in thinking that most people are honest and good, comfortable with showing your emotion, and communicating your needs. When it comes to conflict, a conflict between someone doesn't mean the relationship is ending necessarily, looking at that conflict and engaging rather than what I'll describe later as activating or deactivating strategies, which is with the insecure attachment.

Anxious attachment is also called preoccupied attachment. Basically, it comes from not having your needs met consistently. That might start out in childhood, that might be first relationships and dating relationships. Not having your needs met consistently starts creating questions and doubts around your lovability, fears of rejection and abandonment, and this need for closeness by means of reassurance that this person is not going to leave. So, a lot of times with anxious attachment, there is distrust about what people are showing you and what they might mean because there is fear of them leaving, and so you want to try to predict it before it happens.

There's a lot of obsessing over things, testing [your partner], and again, this need to be close, close, close. Anytime someone else shows space, that feels like a threat.

Avoidant attachment is the counter-opposite— this is someone who learned early on that their needs were not going to be met, so they stopped stating them. And so, instead of independence, this is actually someone who really values self-reliance and kind of keeps people at arm's length. A lot of times they downplay the importance of relationships. They feel suffocated when people want closeness to them, and they have a hard time with having people depend on them and being intimate, communicating their emotions, that thing. 

Disorganized attachment is really the combination of the avoidant and anxious attachment styles together. Statistically, it is the most rare. Only about 5% of people are reported to be disorganized. I think in my anecdotal experience, a little bit more than that, but I think a lot of times in the way that I've seen it come out is avoidant interpersonally the way that you're communicating, but having a lot of more anxious attachment internally. So, basically, disorganized is also called fearful avoidance, and that is exhibiting both the characteristics of anxious attachment and avoidant attachment at the same time.

Sometimes I feel like I also have avoidant tendencies as well. I definitely resonate with that external avoidance, but internally it's just anxiousness. I consider myself to be very self-aware because I've done a lot of self-work. I don't necessarily identify with the part of anxious attachment that is clingy with the person because if I feel someone is pulling away, it does makes me freak out, but I'm not necessarily going to do anything about it.

Right, not the protest behaviors is one way of describing it, or the acting out, "I need that reassurance right now."

I do need it, but I'm going to actually die in agony just waiting for it to hopefully come.

It plays out inside of you, it's eating you up inside more so than the lashing out. I see. I think that's common for exactly what you've said, people who are very self-aware, have done a lot of work on themselves and can identify it, and so they're less likely to maybe externalize the behavior but it's still that unlovability or that abandonment, that rejection, that want for closeness, that feeling of pulling away and what that threat is is still very much felt.

What are your thoughts on the current state of dating in 2023? 

It's rough out there. As much as modern dating is very much app-oriented right now, there are more people going back into organic meetups and that sort of thing, and I think that's really great—but it's still very much app-based. I think there are pros to it in terms of acceptability and being able to just find people. I think one major con is that apps are also designed in a way that really exacerbates anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

I believe it was even in the book Attached, there's a lot of work that Hinge is doing in a social experiment looking at different attachment styles, and they see that a lot of avoidant and  anxious attachment styles are in the dating pool. So that's hard too, it's more likely that you're syncing up with other insecurely attached people, and that's a whole mess to have to navigate as you're trying to be authentic and learning about your own attachment style and trying to hold compassion for yourself as you're going through this really emotionally vulnerable process of dating. It's hard. 

Ultimately, I think people are really desperate for genuine connection, that's what we're hardwired for— but it's like the water is so muddied now. As you said, they're finding we're more likely to find anxious and avoidant people on the apps. I've been on and off the apps for years now, and for anyone else who has been, it's like we already know. We see those same people. I'm one of those same people that's on there! This year, I'm trying to make a more concerted effort to cultivate more experiences to meet someone in person. I would say, for the most part, most of the men I've dated I met in real life.

Obviously, we know there are so many dating app success stories, but then coming out of the pandemic and everyone just being chronically online for three years straight, there's a lot of app fatigue.

Oh, totally. And it's been reinforced in our brains for so long that it's the only way we can date that there's fatigue, and there's also a feeling of treading new territory when it comes to in-person dating again. I also see with my clients that there's an anxiety around some things that they felt were more natural maybe before the pandemic, and now in a social way of reading those cues. But I don't know that they're seeing someone, whereas, on the app, I know that they're at least looking because they're on it. Those different nuances, I think, are coming back up too.

Yeah, I think there is more opportunity for rejection when you're trying to court someone in real life, and it requires actually putting yourself out there in a bigger way.

Totally. I agree with that. I think, alternatively, there's more opportunity for feeling led on and burnt out when it comes to apps because at least you know off the bat if they're going to reject you or not, versus this, there are many fish in the sea, I can talk to this person a little bit, see how I feel. 

Yes, I'm a big believer in high risk, high reward. Last month, I was out to lunch with a girlfriend, and I saw a cute guy who was sitting at the bar by himself having lunch. So I wrote my number down on a matchbox, had the waitress deliver it to him after I left, and he texted me, and we went out twice. It was nice. Nothing came from it, but I felt so good that I just went for it.

Exactly, and it paid off. The payoff doesn't mean, "Oh my gosh, this is the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life," but the payoff in a way of, "This is okay for me to do. There are good experiences that come from it and also, I'm okay." We have this fear that oh my gosh, what happens? What actually happens if they reject you? It stinks, but you're okay and you can re-ground and you can try again.

Yeah, I think a lot of girls get scared to give their number out blindly, but you actually can't lose because had he not contacted me, I'd just think, "Okay, he's probably dating someone," and you just go about your life.

I agree. I encourage it. I really do. I know that there are a lot of rules around dating and app dating and when to reply and not, and there's a game of it a little bit. I get where it comes from, even though I don't totally agree with all of them, but I think this is a great example of these rules around not giving your number or not asking first are quite arbitrary, but it's like you said, high risk, high reward.

Sure, most women want to feel pursued, we want to be courted—but I don't think giving your number to someone first is going to actually affect that dynamic because it's the same as you simply swiping on their profile first, you're saying, "Here, I'm interested. Now, do something about it."

I agree wholeheartedly. And I think you're right that there is a difference in trying to convince them that you are someone that they should be with, as much as it is, as you said, swiping in real life.

Why do anxious and avoidant people love each other so much?

It's true. There's a phenomenon under attachment theory called the anxious-avoidant trap. A lot of the research-based theory shows that it's about those early experiences around not having your needs met that you're reminded of whoever that person was, be it a maternal or fraternal figure, caregiver, or the first person you dated. A lot of times, the anxiously attached person is reminded of that caregiver. So even though it wasn't fulfilling, it's familiar. That's what a lot of the research shows is why anxious and avoidant people come together.

Then, on the opposite end, more avoidant people downplay relationships and don't put much effort into relationships because they find them disappointing or too full-on at times. They have this sense of self-reliance. And so initially, someone who is anxiously attached is doing some of the heavy lifting for them by getting close to them and wanting to engage more, initially being the keyword word, and that feels really incentivizing. 

I think sometimes it can be hard for me when I first meet someone, how much can I expect to be prioritized in the way that I really feel like I should be prioritized, but how much space do you really give someone? Especially when you're meeting off an app, we don't really know each other, so realistically, I don't expect you to be putting in tons of effort, but then all of a sudden you're like, "Wait, a month went by and you're not..."

When should I expect that? I think there are a couple of things that come to mind when you say that. One, I think that is a common characteristic of people who are anxiously attached. Future tripping is the word that is sometimes used, and it comes from a valid need because, especially if you are dating intentionally and authentically, you are checking and seeing if I am  compatible with this person. What do they bring? And if you are looking for something more long-term, then you're going to have that in the back of your head, and I think that makes sense. But sometimes, we get into the area of evaluating too quickly rather than experiencing the person in the moment for what they are. So I think what you're speaking to is very common in terms of that future tripping.

What I'll say in terms of early dating, I have an example  that I think would be helpful in showing different ways a person could respond. And that is, if you are in the early, early dating stage, maybe first, second, or third date, and it seemed to go well, and you see them on the apps afterward. How would you react? I'll throw it on you for a minute. 

I wouldn't be too bothered because I'm on the apps! I think I'm someone who can keep that stuff in check. There will be a piece of me that's bothered, but then I'll be like, "Okay, but you're doing the exact same thing."

Yeah, and I think actually that shows all the work that you've been doing because that is a characteristic of a securely attached person. It's okay to feel a pang of ooh, that doesn't feel good, but then exactly holding this space and having this underlying empathy for the other person of, "Well, if I'm seeing them on the apps, that means I must be on the app too." I'm not thinking, screw this person, I hate them. I never want to see them again. I could be excited to get to know them more and also keep myself open. 

Someone who is full in their anxious attachment would really, really be upset by that and be consumed. And there might be protest behavior of reaching out to that person and saying, "You know what?" I don't know if we're a good match because what are your intentions?" Or that sort of thing.

An avoidantly attached person would feel a ton of relief. "Oh, they don't have any expectations of me. Good. They're not going to depend on me, they're just looking for something casual." So that's just one example of the different ways that attachment comes up in early dating.

So I think that comes out exactly like you said, it's okay to want to get to know the person in the early dating and think about what it might be like in the future, but again, holding that balance. That's the key, the balance of emotional investment, because you have to be vulnerable in order to get to know someone, and that's okay. And being open and honest with what you want, what you're looking for, but then also holding that space, even if it's uncomfortable. That's a boundary for yourself as much as it is for the other person. And a lot of times, we look at, "Oh, they're not texting me," or, "They waited a couple of days," or, "What did that mean?" But it's also looking inwards of, "Am I giving myself the space to do this gradually so I really get to know this person?" Rather than getting super attached to them super quickly, and then spiraling afterward. When we're feeling a lot of conflict with who this person is, but we're already so attached to them, that's where some of the volatility can come into play.

Oh yes, I know. I'm relating to all of this. And you just said something about avoidants feeling relief that you don't expect much from them— I can recognize in so many ways throughout my twenties how I made it very easy for avoidants because I was someone that kind of withheld from them and played games. I've had a lot of feedback from guys who would tell me, "You're really hard to read, or you come across as aloof." And even though I see myself as very vulnerable and very open, even with strangers, for me, that just isn't a useful measure for me when I'm dating someone because I'll tell anyone my life story when I meet them.

But when I came to understand that I wasn't aware of my emotional needs—I didn't know that they were something to be communicated in a relationship. I thought, however someone treats you, that's just it, and if you like it, you stay. And if you don't, I would maybe hope that it got better over time, but then you realize it doesn't, so you're like, "Okay, this actually doesn't really work for me."

It's just in the last two years that I realized, wait, I'm allowed to have needs and want that person to meet them. So that's been the latest challenge for me is being able to identify what those needs are, especially around communication. I think texting is a huge thing. It really depends on the person, but for the most part, I do want to hear from someone often. I think a lot of girls feel this way. You don't want to feel like you have to tell the person, "I need you to text me every day." You don't want to say that, you want the person to want to talk to you.

Because it doesn't feel as genuine. And I think that's such a hard balance. One, you're so right that the difficulty in communicating needs, again, is such a big characteristic of anxious attachment because again, in those early experiences, it was inconsistent about whether or not you were going to get your needs met. That creates a lot of hesitance and apprehension about, "Can I do this or is this person going to leave?"

It feels like such a big ask, like I'm asking the world of this person when I'm really not. But saying, "Hey, I really want to hear from you more often," feels really vulnerable for me. The last two relationships I had were the first times I communicated what I needed, and they would say they heard me, but then they couldn't actually put it into practice.

I think that's that really tough balance, like you said, of wanting someone to just know without having to tell them. But also, we're unique and we can't always assume that the person knows. We have to build that readiness to be vulnerable, to communicate what our needs are, and then see how they respond. If it's an incompatibility or they're not willing, maybe that's their own avoidant attachment coming into play. Then you know, "Okay, that's my boundary. I'm realizing this is a standard that I have, I've communicated it. They're not compatible in this way," then we move on. Even though it can feel like rejection and it's an ending, that is different than this abandonment of, "I can't say this thing because it's going to explode this relationship."

I think that usually people aren't encouraged to actually have a conversation about how they're feeling in the beginning of a relationship.

A lot of the way that we've been taught about dating is to be other-oriented and thinking about what they're doing or what they're not doing versus, and maybe in this example of being confused, checking in on yourself of wherever you are in the spectrum of dating…

 -How am I feeling? 

-Do I feel loved or do I feel that I'm intrigued by them and I feel like that's reciprocated?

-Do I feel like the way that I want to be treated by someone?

Again, wherever the spectrum is of what that relationship is. "Am I feeling that?" Rather than, "Are they feeling it, am I feeling that?" And I think that steers us in a lot clearer of a direction than focusing so much on what they might not be doing and then having to react to that of, "Well, they might not be feeling this, so I shouldn't do this," or, "I should wait until they do this thing."

I'm SO guilty of trying to get into other people's heads.

It's tempting because you want to know, and you are building these feelings for someone. I think it's so natural. But the difference between getting into someone's head, which is maybe more of the anxious stuff, and in the secure realm of engagement is you can have empathy for someone, and I think that's a surefire sign of secure attachment. Even when you're feeling something, empathy to know what this person is feeling and wanting to give them space, but not wanting to decide it for them and make a conclusion in your head before ever talking to them.

So I think after the last two years, all this attachment stuff finally clicked that my issue just lies in actually actively choosing against what feels most comfortable to me.

I used to think, "Well, if I just learned how to self-soothe," because that's a big part of anxious attachment. I think a lot of times we want to blame the other person, "they're not texting enough, and they're not doing this enough," but sometimes it's really just that we need to learn how to sit in uncomfortable feelings, which has been pretty tricky for me. I used to think that if I was healed enough that the right partner would just appear, and I wouldn't necessarily be attracting avoidant partners anymore. But it's not just going to flip like a switch, you have to actually make different decisions.

I think that's huge. And a lot of the ways I talk about this with my clients is when they're feeling that activation I'll say, to be general, coming up to a little bit of your point of choosing the opposite of what feels natural to you in that moment, when you're feeling the activation come up, is it chest up? Is it in your lungs and in your head and fluttery or is it that underlying sense and the deepness in your stomach?

In my stomach.

Exactly. So being able to know the difference between the two of those also helps. "Am I literally being activated right now by my fight or flight response? That sympathetic nervous system, is that being activated right now? Let me check in and see what threat am I thinking of," versus that underlying sense of security in that gut, that instinct that's saying, "Something is amiss here."

Taking that one step further, how do you help people decipher? I think one of the biggest things that anxious attachment people constantly wonder is, "Is this my anxious attachment or am I picking up on something?" You almost always are picking up on something, right?

Yes, what are you picking up on, though? I think that is the key there. Your anxious attachment is being activated by something. Is it this threat that this person wants space, and are they allowed to have space? Am I feeling threatened by that because of some of the abandonment stuff? And this is actually about me having to do that really hard work of holding the discomfort, rather than smushing together and being enmeshed, and just wanting this person to always be with me, but feeling they have agency, they have independence, they're allowed to not tell me every emotion that's going on in their brain when it's happening. Maybe they need some time before they come to me.

Am I picking up on my need for closeness? Am I picking up on the threat to space? And then, after you are able to process it, and I add, since I'm a body-based therapist, I really encourage clients to, before doing any of this processing, really activate that parasympathetic nervous system, that relaxation of exhaling longer than you're inhaling. Once you're deactivated, then process what is going on right now. Once you have clarity, then maybe it's something that you talk to them about.

So again, just because it's your anxious attachment doesn't mean you can't ever talk to them about it, but more of having an idea because a lot of times with anxious people, they get really activated and the feelings are big, and so they just kind of vomit them, and then sometimes regret or they're not fully processed, so it feels like it was actually too vulnerable to say and it's not something they can take back. So, I say, maybe you need your own space to give yourself some space for what you're feeling.

I know. I had one of those moments last year where I really let those big feelings get the best of me and I communicated to the person in that moment. I think I still communicated myself in a mature way, but of course, in hindsight, did I need to just sit with those feelings until we really had time to have a conversation in person? Yes.

I was also at a point where I was like, "I'm tired of biting my tongue." Also, isn't that part of finding your person? I don't have to be perfect. I can't say everything the perfect way every single time. Once in a while, you are going to just be emotional, and the hope is that you find someone that's going to be able to sit with you during that. I've also struggled with feeling like I need to be perfect and I need to have all my emotions wrapped up in a pretty little bow.

I think the key to communicating emotions is flexibility. Exactly like you said, the hope is to find someone who holds that third space for you to be able to put your emotions in while also hearing their end of it. I think this is where it comes in, throwing it all onto them versus saying, "This is what I'm feeling right now. And maybe it's not even fully processed yet right now, but it just feels like it's taking over me and so I just want to throw it out there and check in with you about it." That is so different than just being consumed and lashing out, doing this protesting behavior, activating, and then afterward feeling like, "Ooh, that didn't feel good." Because that's also going to reinforce big feelings aren't good. It's hard to state my needs. It's hard to communicate my emotion.

All I'll say on the other end of it, with avoidance, they have deactivating strategies, and so that's where the pullback happens. The feeling of suffocation, both holding the feelings. Again, avoidantly-attached people have learned that there's no point in stating their needs, so it feels like pulling teeth sometimes, and that's a really frustrating experience. And also, there's a fear that someone depends on them because that feels suffocating too. So when someone who is anxiously attached is having this activating moment, that exacerbates their deactivation, which then reinforces your activation, and that's where that trap comes into play.

It's a vicious cycle, but it can work out between an anxious and avoidant couple who are doing the work, right?

Absolutely. And that's actually what I wanted to make sure that this is meant to be encouraging and hopeful because your attachment style does not define you. It is stable, but it is totally plastic. Being able to have someone in your life be a romantic partner or a role model or a friend that has secure attachment, some of that can be learned. I think the basis of therapy is basically re-learning secure attachment with your therapist, and then also going out in the world and having that balance of space, and also intimacy, and belonging.

Also, someone who's anxiously attached and someone who's avoidant, knowing what their deactivating and activating strategies are, knowing that this person is really wanting closeness right now and this person is really wanting space right now, that can change things. It can totally be workable. And the way that I talk about clients, especially couples who are coming to me for this issue, is instead of looking at, "I need this and they're taking this away from me," rather than it being versus each other, "It's the two of us as the unit versus trying to balance in our relationship space and closeness." So not just are they being close enough to me? Are they giving me too much space? But more of how does our relationship balance both closeness and space?

What are your thoughts on situationships, as we've now come to know them? Do you think there's a guideline of, it's been this many months and you're not getting what you need, tap out?

In this talk, I've heard people throw out three months, four months. I'm not as focused on that as much as I am on this concept of movement because I think a big difference between situationships and relationships is that relationships have forward momentum, and there are plans being made for the future. Obviously, that is contextualized by how long you've known each other and what the future means, but even in a way of what the next week is going to look like to the next month and having that sense of momentum. And so for people that are in situationships, I ask them to check in on if there's a part that feels stagnant. Does this feel like there's momentum and movement to it?

Even if some movement isn't as fast as you'd like, sometimes we do need a different pace, but, “is there a sense of movement?” can give you an idea of your own feelings about stagnation. I also help people to check in on, are you holding out to convince this person that moving forward is the right way to go? Is this something that you're unsure about, and so you need more time? If this does feel stagnant, this does feel like there's not that forward momentum, where is that coming from? Is it coming from the other person? Is it coming from you? And then, ultimately, is this what you want out of a relationship? If not, it's hard, but it's time to communicate that and not only communicate that but stand by those boundaries because there is a difference between establishing boundaries and then holding yourself and the other person accountable to them.

For sure. I don't find myself in situationships anymore so much, but I do think because I'm 37, and yes, I do desire a committed relationship, but sometimes I get tempted by short-term gratification, at the same time I'm not really interested in casual hookups. For example, the guy that I went on two dates with last month, I think right off the bat I was kind of like, "We're in different places in our lives, but do I just keep going along with this because I'm attracted to him and it could be fun?" 

Yeah. I think that, especially in early dating, it is really helpful to check ourselves, especially when we're thinking of going on the second date on the first date. Are we viewing this as an experience? And really, the first date is to just see, do we want to go on a second date? Not are they going to be our partner, are they going to have a house with us? Are they going to fill in the blank? Do we want to go on a second date with them? At some point, yes, we then start to evaluate, but I think it helps give us clarity, especially early on when we realize we're evaluating rather than actually experiencing and thinking about how we feel during the date. It might not be the long-term partner that we ultimately want to have, but luckily, we live in a world where there are tons of options for different types of dating and relating. And so I don't think we have to only do one thing and it's a betrayal to ourselves if we're not only looking at that long-term desire. It's more of checking in on is this experience fulfilling to me?

Ok, that makes me feel better. What are the best ways for people, I think most specifically anxious people, to process being ghosted?

Ghosting as a phenomenon, to me, smells a lot like avoidant attachment in a larger sense. I do think that there are very valid times for it, especially when safety is compromised and it's a threatening situation, or you've communicated your boundaries and someone is not listening to them. But when it just comes to feeling like you're not interested in that person and you don't want to hurt their feelings, I think sometimes it does more harm than good versus having that confrontation. It's okay to say, "I don't think this is a good match, but thank you for our time together," that sort of thing.

On the receiving end, as you said, especially for people who are anxiously attached, I think the best way to process it is that it's okay to feel that pain and not to feel good because you probably had some level of hope for a future, or continuing with this person. It's okay to feel disappointed by that, but to be able to contextualize those feelings, that that probably is an avoidant or this person is maybe showing that they have more difficulty communicating their emotions, might have difficulty with conflict, and maybe that isn't actually something that you're looking for in the person that you want to be dating long-term. So, in that way, it gives you feedback that this person isn't necessarily for me.

What do you think about the people who want to send the long text to the ghoster?

That too, I think, has a lot of anxious attachment associated with it. Closure, yes, sometimes feels interpersonal and I think it can be in some ways, but there is always some part of closure that is not contingent on the other person or having the last word or sharing what it is, and so I really encourage people to find what that piece is and be able to focus on that first. And then, if some time has passed and you feel like it's still something that you want to say, perhaps, but I think most of the time that again is more of that activating attachment versus having these feelings for another person because I don't think you're trying to convince them to give you another chance. It's more I think that feeling of rejection that we want to throw it there. I think for the most part, unless it's been a longer period of time or it's something that feels really out of the blue, the biggest part is to look at a piece of closure that is not contingent on this person and move on. 

Okay, last question. If someone wants to change their insecure attachment, how do they do that or what are your best guidelines?

So there are a couple of things that you could do.

1. Take inventory to understand your relationships and attachment style, and how it comes out for you. You're right that there are some general calming characteristics of anxious attachment or avoidant attachment, but we're a little bit different. For you, for example, you're less of the lashing out activating as much of that internalized freak out, catastrophizing. So something like the Experience of Close Relationships, it's a scale, and it gives you some more ideas about where you fall in attachment styles. From your anxiety around that lovability and abandonment, and then also your feelings of avoidance of being too close to someone, you get a better idea of where you fall in that. I like their scale because it's a little less reductive if you are one of three categories or one of four, including disorganized.

2. Take inventory of who in your life emulates secure attachment. You're probably reading a lot about what it means to be secure, and so look for those people. They can be family members or friends. They don't even have to be someone who's very close in your life. They also could be someone who's a circle or two out, but thinking about the way that they relate to other people and then trying those things on. Again, we don't want to do anything that's not authentic to you, but it initially might feel like it's challenging what feels natural. "Feeling natural," and what's authentic are two different things. 

3. Therapy is a great place. The work that I do is around attachment styles in dating, but also in imposter syndrome and relationships with money. In therapy, regardless of what you're talking about and the way that the therapist works, you relearn what it means to be securely attached because you are going to relate to the therapist in a way that you can build that balance between space and agency and independence, and also that sense of belonging and kinship and dependability and having support. I think that's a really active way of not just talking about your past of how attachment has come up but really using the therapeutic relationship to relearn what it means.