WHAT GRIEF TAUGHT RENEE ROULEAU ABOUT LIVING FULLY
Good morning everyone,
Coming to you from Spain this morning. As I’m writing this, I am in Madrid but will likely be heading south to Sevilla by the time it hits your inbox. After a dreamy trip to Portugal last October, I realized that this is indeed the perfect time of year to be in Europe. There are fewer tourists, the weather is lovely, and you can still catch some great fall foliage.
I didn’t plan out this trip as well as I usually would, mostly because I wasn’t sure how long I wanted to stay in Madrid or which other cities I’d feel called to visit. So, I’m letting myself really go with the flow on this one. I’m taking things a day or two at a time. I’ll be sharing a full roundup of where I stayed, ate, and shopped with my paid subscribers at the end of the month.
Today, I am grateful to be able to share this conversation with my deeply inspiring friend and celebrity esthetician, Renee Rouleau. She has been my go-to skin aficionado since 2015. In fact, she was the first person to really educate me on how to take care of my adult acne when things really took a turn for the worse as I was creeping up on 30. Renee is someone I just instantly connected with from the first time I laid on her table. She is personable, bold, energetic, and a straight shooter with a dash of southern charm (even though Texas is her adopted home).
What I’ve always admired most about Renee is how she owns her unconventional life—and I don’t just say that because she dyes her hair pink. She passed on college for cosmetology school. In her twenties, she packed up and moved to Dallas, a city where she didn’t know a soul. She built her skincare brand at a time when indie brands were rare, and she did it entirely her own way—privately owned, deeply personal, and rooted in community. And when life threw her the unimaginable, she met it the same way she’s met everything else: on her own terms, with courage, honesty, and heart.
In 2018, Renee candidly shared that her husband, Florian, had been diagnosed with terminal cancer and given six months to live. At the time, he was the COO of her company. They both stepped back from the business, and Renee was by his side every day until he took his last breath that November—just two days shy of his six-month mark.
Talking about grief can be tricky. You don’t want to burden anyone or be a “downer.” I even hesitated to bring this topic here because I worried it might feel too heavy for a Monday morning read. But death and grief are experiences we all encounter at some point in our lives—if we haven’t already. I really admire that Renee has always been open about her journey, even creating the hashtag #thisisflorian to honor his memory and share what she was learning along the way.
There’s so much to learn from Renee, which is why I’m excited to share her story with you today. In our conversation ahead, Renee opens up about why she doesn’t believe bigger is better when it comes to building a business—and how she navigated the challenges of her husband’s diagnosis and untimely passing. Or you can listen to our full conversation wherever you get your podcasts.
Hi, Renee. Welcome to FWD JOY.
Renee: My sweet. Hello.
You have been so instrumental in my skincare journey. You were the first person I really fostered a relationship with when it came to taking care of my skin. You have this incredible namesake line, Renee Rouleau Skincare. First of all, you have so many products, but you have a lot of products that are dedicated to people who struggle with acne. I have struggled with acne for a very long time, and you were the first person who really taught me that even though I have oily skin, even if I am breaking out, my skin still needs moisture.
Renee: Right. The needs of adult acne are very different from teens.
So, I want to kick off by saying thank you for that and how much you have educated me about skin. I would love to hear whether you were always interested in skincare. Tell me what you were like as a kid and how this interest developed.
Renee: I am the youngest of four, and we moved a lot. Change has been a big part of my life. From kindergarten to my senior year in high school, I was in seven different schools. My grandmother was a hairdresser on my mom’s side, and she had her own hair salon called the Powder Puff Beauty Shop in Wisconsin. I was the one who was always in her hairnets and rollers and sitting in front of her little station doing my hair. I was always drawn to beauty for whatever reason.
I had gone to high school for junior and senior year in Boston. Ninety-nine percent of my high school went to college, and I was the one percent. That was not my path. I remember the guidance counselor being like, there is nothing in my manual for how to talk to someone who does not want to go to college. I decided to follow in my grandmother's footsteps. I started as a hairstylist, got my cosmetology license, and worked at a salon as an apprentice. I went through the hairstylist bootcamp, and I failed. I could not make it.
Simultaneously, the salon had an esthetician and a facial room. This was 1989, and facials were not really a thing back then. I was always gravitating toward the two estheticians who worked there. We all went to a trade show once, and I was hanging out with the estheticians and doing all the esthetician things. I realized this was my path. I went to school to become an esthetician, and my coworker became my business partner. I had a skincare salon for five years outside of Boston. At age 21, I became both an entrepreneur and a full-fledged esthetician. I eventually sold my half and moved to Dallas, and started Renee Rouleau in Dallas in 1996. It has been 29 years, and now I live in Austin.
How did you have the guts to start your own skincare business?
Renee: I look back, and I am like, I was fearless. At 21, my coworker was 13 years older than me, and she had two young children. She always wanted to open a business, but did not want to do it by herself. We hit it off so well, and she was my mentor. Would I have started a business at 21 on my own? Probably not. I was new. I had only been an esthetician for two years. I probably would have eventually, but not at that time.
It is one thing to be an esthetician and open your own skincare business or salon. It is a whole other ballgame to start your own skincare product line. You did that at 26.
Renee: Yes. I was working on some products at my previous business. We had started developing things, and then rolled into my own line when I started.
You were incredibly ahead of the game.
Renee: The concept of an indie brand did not exist. I will never forget in 2007, I won a Best of Beauty award from Allure. I got a beautiful invitation from Linda Wells to the Rainbow Room in New York. Winning an Allure Best of Beauty award back then was literally like an Oscar. Life-changing. The award was for our AHA/BHA Blemish Control Cleanser, which is still in my line. You may have tried that.
A mainstay for me.
Renee: My little product was up against the big names. Clinique, Estée Lauder, Lancôme. It was a miracle. It was hard to create a line because I believe there are 9 skin types as an esthetician. My journey began with one simple question: If you do not know your skin type, are you even getting results?
We have a lot of products. Sabrina Carpenter has been my client for 11 years, and Demi Lovato, too. They struggle with adult breakouts. I started with Demi and Sabrina when they were 15, but now, as they are older, we still get breakouts. Sabrina was at ACL in Austin, under hot lights, sweating, and that adds to it. People can go to reneerouleau.com. We launched a new and updated skin type quiz. They can find out their skin types and get my expert advice.
Creating a line back then was challenging. We have 55 products now. Back then, we did not have that many, but we still had a lot because I created for nine skin types. That is why we had many SKUs. Finding labs to do small minimums was nearly impossible. Finding labs to do small minimums was nearly impossible. Back then, it was a minimum of 10,000 per product, and I needed 40 products. That was not possible. I found a lab that bet on me and was willing to work with me. I still work with them. They gave me reasonable minimums. I was persuasive and they said yes. It paid off for them. They make many of my products to this day.
That is incredible. Something I really admire is that you are still the sole owner of your company. You have never sold a majority stake, let alone a minor one. We have talked about this a lot. You say you are not interested in building the biggest brand on the planet. You want to do what you love and make products you care about. You do not need all the money in the world. You do not need the two billion buyout.
Renee: I value freedom above anything else. Any mistake I make, I have the freedom to make it. Any success I have, I have the freedom there, too. The reason you become an entrepreneur is that you have your own vision, want to do it your way, and work for yourself. You decide you do not want a boss. Then you sign on the dotted line, take investors, get into Sephora or Ulta, and people are breathing down your neck. Suddenly, all your freedom is gone. You look back and think How did I get into this? This was not what I wanted. I have a lot of friends who took investment and went big, hoping they would sell. Many are miserable. Not just in beauty. Many entrepreneurs. They say if I had to do it over, I would do it like you.
I own 100% of the company. I bootstrapped. I am debt-free. I walked into a bank and got a loan. No one can convince me that bigger is better. People say, Renee, you could be a hundred-million-dollar company. I ask why? Tell me why I should be a hundred-million-dollar company? There is an opportunity, yes, but will my life be better? I have a roof over my head. I am comfortable. I am debt-free. No one can convince me otherwise.
When is it enough?
Renee: When is it enough? I have had the opportunity to watch people take a different path only to realize it was not the path to joy. It was not the joy forward. It is a trade-off. Every decision comes with a consequence: good, bad, or indifferent. I wear a lot of hats. It is a lot of responsibility. I am happy I have done it my way. We just celebrated 29 years, and we continue to thrive. I made good moves along the way.
At the end of the day, you still enjoy it. That is the most important part. If you decide you have done this and you have had enough, you want to travel and ride your motorcycle across the country.
Renee: Exactly. If I were a full-time in-room esthetician, I would be bored stiff. That is why I am not a full-time esthetician and why I chose to start a business. I love the variety of hats I get to wear. I can wear my finance hat, my esthetician hat, and my product development hat. New product development is my favorite. Creating new products. I love being a manager. I love being the visionary. I love guiding and leading. I love being the face of the company. I like content. There are things I am not great at, but I love that my fingers are in so many things. It makes life exciting.
We are also talking today because I wanted to talk to you about your late husband, Florian. He was also part of your company up until his passing. What was that like?
Renee: I was with my husband for 22 years. He passed away after a short six-month battle with cancer seven years ago. He joined my company 10 years in as COO. Someone told me business is not romantic and you should never partner with your spouse. I held on to that advice. Business is not romantic. Ten years in, I really needed an operations person. There is no one you trust more than your spouse. It ended up being the greatest thing. I loved it. You have to set boundaries. You cannot sit at every dinner talking about business. It is like having children. You set boundaries. You have date night. It was great. You can still keep it romantic. He joined as COO. It was a husband-and-wife, mom-and-pop kind of thing. Then one day, he had a sharp pain in his stomach. Three days later, it was unbearable. We went to the emergency room. They ran tests, and a week later, they said, “Pack your bags. You have six months to live.” He passed away two days shy of the six-month mark. It was fast, furious, tragic, and beautiful.
Take me back to the beginning of when you and Florian first met. You have been open about this on social media, you said he was not your type. What was your normal type in comparison, and tell us what Florian was like.
Renee: If I ask you what your type is, you will describe yourself. I have tested this many times. People describe themselves. You like yourself, so you want someone like you. Compatible. If you ask me my type, I would say tall, athletic, probably blond, friendly, outgoing, and driven. All the things I am. When I moved to Dallas, I did not know anyone. I was doing construction for my spa. There was a French restaurant a couple of doors down, and I needed a tile person. They were under construction, too. There was a van outside for Tony the Tile Man. I saw the van and thought I need tile. I went into the French restaurant and asked if Tony the Tile Man was in there. This little five-foot-six French guy with a mustache said he was in the back.
Years later, he told me it was love at first sight for him, but I was like, whatever. Once the restaurant and my spa opened, I used to sit at the bar and have dinner after my last client. There was the manager, Florian. We became fast friends. He was super funny. I would share all my dating in Dallas stories. I had a mad crush on Troy Aikman, who at the time was the Cowboys quarterback. He was my friend. One day, someone said they thought Florian had a crush on me. I thought what? A five-foot-six French guy, eleven years older than me, with two children? That is not my type. But I kept being drawn to him. We had so much chemistry. One day, I said to myself, wait a minute. The past six guys I've been with on paper were my type. Why was I not with one of those guys?
I ended up being with my non-type. If I were on a dating app, I would have swiped no on Florian’s picture. The person who was not my type and opposite of me was my partner for 22 years. I always tell my girlfriends, do not get caught up in he is not my type. You have to go on a second date, a third date. Give people an opportunity. We have to be open-minded. I am an advocate for the short guys. I always dated tall guys because I am almost 5’9”. My theory is that tall men can be boring because they do not have to put as much personality into it. The short man syndrome. They tend to be feisty and have more personality. They are little fighters.
They know they have to work a little extra hard. They put in the effort. Tall guys can feel like they can get whatever they want because they are tall. I tell my friends, do not be a “heightist.”
Renee: I love that. Trust me, he put so much personality in that five-foot-six. Life was never boring. As women, we need life to be exciting. We do not do boring. We need stimulation. A little shorty can be the best.
How long were you going to this restaurant and hanging out with him before you realized you liked him back?
Renee: Probably about four months. It was a slow burn. We built a friendship first. The best relationships start that way.
You waited ten years to get married, right? Was that intentional?
Renee: It was. I cannot tell you how many people said, “Kick that guy to the curb and make him give you a ring.” I was the one who did not want to get married. If I were with someone who did not have children, I might have taken a more traditional path. He had two children. My stepdaughter was a year and a half when I met her, and my stepson was nine. I changed diapers, went to dance recitals, and Boy Scouts. I was a part-time mom. It was the greatest thing. We talked about having children, and he said If you want to have children, we can. I thought maybe I would because the world teaches you that is the path. You never stop to ask, do I really want children?
I decided no. I loved being a stepmom. It was super fulfilling because you are more of a mentor. You are not the real disciplinarian. We were all together until my husband’s last breath. It was beautiful. We moved in together a year after we started dating. I saw marriage as a piece of paper and asked what problem is it solving? We were happy. Later, he wanted to be a role model for his children because his ex-wife had not remarried. He wanted to show them something more traditional. We decided to get married to make that clearer for them. Instead of my dad and his girlfriend. That can be hard for kids. We got married after ten years. I thought it was just a piece of paper, but it was more than that. It felt like we are in this now. Come hell or high water. It makes you work harder. You always have the freedom to leave, but I felt truly like we were a team. At the end of the day, I always talk about who are your 3 AM-ers? Who can you call at three in the morning, and they will take your call? Those relationships are special.
Florian was diagnosed with cancer in 2018 and died in November 2018. Take me through finding out the diagnosis and those next months.
Renee: No one can prepare you for being told you have six months to live. It comes out of nowhere. For me, we were both on our own journeys. He was battling his own journey, knowing his days were numbered. I wanted to figure out what this would look like. He was the COO and a leader in the company. We both had to step out of the company. How do we manage this? We relied on our team. I had to learn to trust and rely on people. From that moment forward, I became less of a micromanager. You have to surrender and let go of things.
The biggest thing was navigating the unknown. What does it look like when someone dies in six months? I had gone to funerals and wakes, and my grandparents had died, but I was not there day to day. What does this look like? What care will he need? Will he be in a wheelchair? Do I need to make the house accessible? Will he be in pain? There were so many unknowns. I learned I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Today I will make the best choices for today. Tomorrow I will focus on tomorrow. It is a good lesson. We want to know how the story ends. We want to prepare ourselves emotionally for whatever life throws us. We have zero control. People want certainty. There was zero certainty. Would it be six months or one month? Would he lose his hair? Would he need to be in a hospital? I had no idea.
Watching the demise of the human body. The body is incredible and miraculous. When hospice gives you the book that tells you what happens as the body shuts down, you get some notice that it is close. Florian was a Frenchman. He was prim and proper. He valued self-care and grooming. Even close to the end, we were giving him sponge baths, and he liked to be well kept. The morning of his passing, a hospice nurse was giving him a sponge bath. She was able to lift him up. He was still there. The minute she laid his head down and he was all done, he passed away as his head was in her hands. Another hospice nurse said it is common that people pass away right after a sponge bath because they are getting ready to go to their next life.
He was ready. They think people hold out until then because they get sponge baths every three days or so. As soon as he was done, he went.
Many people think having time makes it easier. It is never easy. I have a lot of death anxiety. I have never had anyone super close to me pass away. My biggest fear is my parents dying. I ruminate on what that will be like. I play it out in my head and how I will feel. An old therapist told me it does not matter how much you play it out in your head. You still have to go through it and experience it. It will be hard, but you will get through it.
Renee: My worries were small compared to what he was going through. Shortly after he was diagnosed, I met a woman in Austin who has a company, Eterneva, that makes ashes into diamonds. I met her two weeks after he was diagnosed. I came home from an entrepreneur group meeting and told him I met this woman. She was on Shark Tank, and Mark Cuban invested. He said that is how I want to come back. Take me on your adventures with you. He wanted his children to know he did not want to be buried. He wanted to be cremated and made into diamonds to give to them. About two months later, his children quit their jobs and moved to Austin so we could all be together. He had the company's founder come to the house to give a presentation on how it works. The diamonds are made in Germany, and there is a whole process. We sat at the kitchen table and she explained it to his children. I think to myself, what is it like to sit there knowing that in six months you will be made into a diamond? The strength he had. The company had never done this with someone living. It is always after the fact.
Were there any rituals that helped you ground yourself while you were grieving?
Renee: My faith. I prayed a lot and surrendered to what it was. After he passed away, I had to stand in front of my company and let them know I am in charge now. I am the leader. I remember thinking do not cry. Then I thought no. I have a tattoo that says Suck it up buttercup. It is an homage to my dad. But I am a human being. I went through something every human will go through—the loss of someone they love. Two things helped. Music. The house was very quiet. Music saved me. It was a distraction. I love your playlist.
Even when I came over to your house, there was already music playing when we arrived. Music really is transcendent.
Renee: The second thing was surrendering to the feelings. I would think about myself in a bathtub of grief. Sometimes it hits you out of nowhere. When it hit me, I would close my eyes and imagine a bathtub filled with the darkest grief, hurt, and pain. I would surrender to it and feel it deeply, versus suck it up buttercup, which is how I was raised. That was helpful. Feel the feelings instead of fighting them. Otherwise, it will come back and bite you. I also learned grief is not linear. The first week, I prayed to get through it. Week two will be better. It was day by day. Week five felt like week one all over again. I wondered what was wrong with me. It should be better. I told myself to stop. We want to control everything. We hang on for control. The lesson was to surrender.
I am a better human now. I am a better friend. I am more easygoing. I do not worry. I do not fear things. I do not sweat the small stuff. I had to go through a lot to learn that. It is about surrendering to the unknown. One day at a time. Tomorrow I will figure out tomorrow. I cannot get ahead of myself. I do not have the answers.
What did your support system look like while you were grieving?
Renee: I am pretty independent. I had friends to lean on, but no one can really understand. They were supportive, as much as anyone can be. What do you say? You have to go through it. I had not seen a therapist in years. I got one maybe a year after he died. People kept asking if I was talking to a therapist. I was relying on myself. I thought, I work out. I have consultants in my company. I do a lot for my health and business. What about my mental health? Maybe put deposits in that bank. I did work with a therapist, and it was helpful. No one can take away the pain. Ultimately, it is time. There is no magic wand. No one can say anything that makes it go away. It is time. You learn to adapt to the new normal.
What is it like to reflect on the life you had with him?
Renee: When he was sick, we had a heart-to-heart, was there anything we regretted? Anything we needed to say sorry for? I am proud that we had nothing to say. We were proud of the way we conducted ourselves. Not that we were perfect, but there was nothing we did not feel good about. I am proud of that. I believe the grass is greener where you water it.
The divorce rate is high. I plead with people who are unhappy in their marriage to put effort into it. It is salvageable. It is normal for things to lose excitement. That is life. Even in dating, he is not my type. It is a dance. We cannot pull the plug the minute something happens we do not like. We are humans trying to figure out how to coexist and cohabitate together. It is all figure it outable if you decide that is what you want to do. That goes for any relationship. We figured it out. I never took him for granted. I knew the grass was not greener on the other side. You are just exchanging one set of challenges for another. I knew I had a good thing. He adored me. We were happy. He was fun. I was lucky. I controlled my destiny. It was not happenstance. It was strategic choices. You make choices every day about how you navigate relationships. We worked on it and kept it fun and exciting. It was great.
What was it like to get back into the dating pool? At what point did you feel ready? It is tricky. Even if you meet someone else, you are always going to love this other man.
Renee: Anyone dating me needs to know that is part of my story. At some point, I had to move forward. About a year later, I still had one picture up, but I took down a lot of the things. It was a sign of moving forward. In relationships, I do not dwell on the past. This is a new chapter and a new beginning. When dating, it is normal to share your resume. At my age, people have been married or divorced. I did not want someone feeling like they were walking into heaviness. That is not my nature. I like to keep things fun and energetic. I honor him in my own way, but I am not talking about it all the time. I look at it as a chapter.
A relationship fell into my lap after about seven months. I was not looking for it. I knew at some point I would get back to dating. Because Florian had the opportunity to tell me his wishes, he wanted me to be happy. Life goes on. Go find somebody. Fall in love again. For me, honoring Florian meant moving forward. He did not want me crying every day. I had to have that suck it up buttercup attitude, but I did it to honor him. That was my way of celebrating him.
He seemed like someone whose relationship with you was full of life and adventure. He did not want you sitting at home crying. Share the dating hack you told me about. The contacts method.
Renee: I will give you a little backstory and then explain. The relationship that fell into my lap was my first relationship out of the gate. I was a grieving widow, and I thought it was a beautiful relationship, only to discover it was not. I was naive. I trusted when I should not have. People can be strategic and prey on the weak. I went through a bad situation, but life needed to teach me lessons. I realized my picker was broken. I needed education on modern relationships and things to look for. I looked at it like learning a language. If you want to learn a language, you study. I decided I needed to learn about dating and finding love. I educated myself by watching relationship experts on YouTube. I treated it like a part-time job because I wasn't going to get back into the situation I had left behind. I consider myself well-versed in dating now. I eventually hired a matchmaker because they cater to successful women. I did not have time to mess around. The idea of hiring a consultant working on my behalf behind the scenes was amazing. I highly recommend a matchmaker.
One recommendation from the matchmaker was to use my network. They do the heavy lifting, but it is good to use your network. The power of referrals. Where do you find your therapist, hairstylist, massage therapist, trainer? Usually a referral. In my business, all of our customers come because someone they trust recommends us. Word of mouth. I decided to use that in my dating life. I went through every contact in my phone, starting with A. I have around fifteen hundred contacts. I went through every single contact and was strategic about who I reached out to for referrals. One rule I set was to not ask single girlfriends. I asked guy friends and married friends. I was intentional in how I asked.
I said: I am reaching out for a favor because I have learned the power of referrals and word of mouth. I am single and actively dating. You are someone I trust, and you make me feel comfortable enough to reach out. Dating has been challenging, and I am not having luck meeting quality single men outside my circle. Would you tap into your network and make an introduction to anyone who could be a good fit for me? I am open to ages forty to fifty-three, driven professionally, smart, fun, sociable enough, and kind. A solid, good guy of any ethnicity. They can have children. I am open to any location in the US because I can travel. Perhaps you know someone or know someone who knows someone. Thank you for being a safe place for me to open up. Please let me know if anyone comes to mind in the coming days and weeks.
People took it seriously. I was strategic. I got great referrals. The matchmaker was giving me good referrals, too. Later in my contacts, there was a guy who I had known for sixteen years. We had taken a cosmetic chemistry course at UCLA together and kept in touch over the years. He came up in my contacts. I reached out to say, hey friend how are you? I am happy to say we have been dating for three years. I am in an incredible relationship. I could not be happier. The moral of the story. The love of your life is either in a contact in your phone or someone in your phone knows the love of your life. Use your network. I loved the matchmaker. I highly recommend matchmaking. They set me up on wonderful dates. More importantly, they helped me know what I needed.
I love it.
Renee: It is long-distance. It is not for everyone. I am independent. We do not want children. We both have our lives, and it works. We see each other every week and a half. When we are together, it is intentional. I try to clear my plate. Sometimes I will fly just to have dinner and go home. We both get to a point where we say love you, have to go. After three years, it still feels fun and exciting because we get to miss each other. It is not traditional. People ask when we are getting married, when we are moving in together, is he moving to Austin? Am I moving?
What about you is traditional? You are an unconventional woman. That is how your life has been set up from the start.
Renee: I do not follow the follower. My whole life, I have been misunderstood. This is another way I am misunderstood. It is not traditional, but just because it is not traditional does not mean it is not right or that it cannot work.
It is clearly the right fit for you. Is there any guilt or uncomfortable feelings about being with someone new again?
Renee: Very much so, but here is what it is. When I got into that first relationship that was not good, when it was all said and done, I was begging for forgiveness from Florian. I know he saw it all and was like what are you doing? I had tremendous shame because I was trusting. I had not had a lot of betrayal in my life, and I was betrayed on every level. That was the pain. It may not be the answer you expected, but that was it. As for moving forward now, I have a garden. Flowers die and new ones bloom in the new season. I water them and keep them alive. I understand what death is. Death is a beautiful and tragic life process. I surrender to what life is. Love is loaned. It will end. We are going to have heartbreak.
It will end one way or another, whether that is a breakup or a death.
Renee: Enjoy it while we have it. It will end. Florian used to promise he would live to one hundred. It did not work out that way. That was not going to be. Surrendering and letting go of control is important.
Do you feel like he communicates with you and you communicate with him? Do you know about Dr. Tara Swart? She is a neuroscientist who wrote The Source, and she has a new book about communicating with people who have passed.
Renee: Someone gave me a great recommendation while he was sick. Ask him what the sign will be. He did not have an answer right away. He said, let me think. One night, he was really grumpy and not feeling good on the couch. We live downtown in Austin. We have a neighbor whose car alarm is broken. Every time she opens her car, the alarm goes off. This had been going on for years. That night, it really set him off. He said it is a five-dollar car part, and this has been going on for three years. He turned to me and said that is how you will know it is me. When a car alarm goes off. So, that was the sign. Every time her car alarm goes off, think of me complaining. There were many times when I had a moment of grief, and her car alarm would go off. We all think of a hummingbird as a sign. He chose the car alarm, if you know Florian, that is on brand.
How can we better support friends or colleagues who are grieving, especially when we do not know what to say?
Renee: When in doubt, do not say much. We fumble. Always assume positive intent. Having gone through this, I learned there is nothing you can say that fixes it. When he got sick, everyone came out of the woodwork with solutions and unsolicited advice. Assume positive intent. People mean well. But be mindful about giving unsolicited advice. I like to ask, would you be open to hearing a thought I have? Are you looking for advice? In terms of grief, say, I cannot imagine what you are going through. People tend to do comparison stories. My uncle or my husband had such and such cancer, and he is doing great now. It is hard to compare, and sometimes that can sting. The best is to say I am sorry. If you need an ear, I am here to listen. Not trying to solve it. Sometimes a hug helps.
With all that said, what is bringing you joy right now?
Renee: Before Florian passed away, he said you have been a tiger I have kept in a cage, and it is time to let you out. We were opposites. He was an introvert. I am an extrovert. He was antisocial. I get energy around people. He grew up in France in the foster system. When you are a foster child, you hold on to everything. You have a scarcity mindset. He ran his life that way. As COO and head of finance, he ran our company that way, too. In our personal life, according to Florian, we were always broke. It did not matter what was in the bank account. I always wanted to hire more people. He did not trust easily. He would say no one can do it better than you, and I do not trust anyone more than you. Do not hire someone to do that. You do it. I was kept in a cage. I did not realize it. The company could have been a lot bigger. He saw my greatness and felt like he held me back.
What brings me joy is that it has been a rough seven years since he passed away. I lost my way professionally and personally. I am reinventing the brand. After 29 years, the house is a little old and needs a remodel. We are doing a whole rebrand. I am firing on all cylinders. I feel passionate and alive. I have never been a better leader. I am trusting my gut. I have a beautiful, supportive relationship with my boyfriend. The tiger is out of the cage. I feel authentically myself.
Renee’s Reading List
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes
I read this book back in the early 90s, long before I had met Florian, and I remember how powerful it made me feel as a woman. I went back to reading it after he passed way to help me embrace this new cycle of life and transformation that I would be experiencing without him by my side.
The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale
I leaned on this book while Florian was sick to help me keep my mind strong in a time of tremendous fear. I still will pick this up from time to time.
Estée: A Success Story by Estée Lauder
Florian had been the COO of my company for 12 years, and after he died, I would have to take over his role until I found someone new. Her stories and business lessons served as a reminder of my passion for helping others, the belief in the power of touch, and with a relentless drive, I can make anything happen.