Why I’m Taking a Break From Therapy
After 5 years with my favorite therapist of all time, I decided to make a switch to a trauma-focused therapist in March. I was on a mission to dive even deeper into my attachment issues that were being brought up by a recent relationship. I was constantly triggered, and it was wreaking havoc on my body and nervous system. I just wanted to run away from it, but part of doing this work is actually doing it within a relationship. I've had to learn that the hard way after spending a long time avoiding dating and thinking I could just heal my issues on my own.
Wrong
We actually need to experience our triggers in order to figure out how to work through them.
Trauma therapy didn't exactly go as I had planned, though. A week before starting, my new therapist told me she was pregnant, so we would only be able to work together for 4 months. I decided to proceed anyway because I was so eager to have found a woman of color therapist who was also trained in IFS (Internal Family Systems). But we never actually got to the IFS part—and I don't really know why. Yes, I should've said something to her, but even as a therapy veteran, I too get scared to speak up about my needs. But I also assumed the therapist knows best and has her own way of working, so I was just down for the ride.
Regardless of not exploring IFS work, I still got something out of it, of course. She helped me put words to some core beliefs I had been struggling with. But I don't necessarily think she was the right fit for me. Her approach was a little too abrasive and, at times, maybe even a little judgemental for my liking. When she called the guy I had been dating for a few months a “situationship,” a little red flag went up. I mean, I get that that's what the kids are saying these days, but that's not remotely what I would call it (nor did my old therapist).
But once that relationship failed to launch and I worked through any feelings I had, I suddenly found myself back in a familiar place: talking about the same issues to death. I was tired of hearing myself. And I told my therapist just that. She agreed that I could benefit from some time off to just live my life—especially as I'm on this new journey living abroad.
I've taken therapy breaks in the past, and I always like to say it's good to take the training wheels off and make sure you can still find your balance in the real world.
In the meantime, I have to ramp up my self-soothing practices. Since I've been back on the dating scene, I realized how difficult it was for me to self-soothe when I was feeling activated. When my attachment stuff gets triggered, I stress, worry, become preoccupied with what the other person is thinking or feeling, and catastrophize. I can get very lost in my emotions. It's a really hard mindset to be in, but I'm working so hard to have compassion for the side of myself, and also the part that judges me for having those reactions. It's not easy.
Self-soothing is important because it's a way we can show ourselves love, especially our younger parts that tend to steal the show when we're upset. We need these rituals to help regulate our emotions and get us on solid ground again. They may not always work perfectly, but it's a practice, and you have to figure out what feels right for you. As a kid, I self-soothed by sucking my thumb with a security blanket that I could hardly part with. Now, as an adult, I've had to find other ways to move through negative emotions. Here are some activities that work for me. And please, if anyone has anything that works for them that's not on this list, feel free to respond and let me know your go-to self-soothing practice.
Meditation. I tend to spiral into a dark hole of ruminating thoughts when I'm activated, so it's really important for me to take time throughout the day to focus on my breathing and quiet my mind. In the mornings, I tend to do my regular Headspace meditation but my best friend who is also a therapist recommended Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion meditations, which I really love. The 20-minute self-compassion session is my favorite.
Journaling. It's the best way for me to get my thoughts out so they don't keep swimming around in my mind. It's not an immediate fix, but it definitely is a way for me to process what's happening and maybe look at my thoughts a little more objectively.
Going for a walk. We all need endorphins, especially when we're not feeling like ourselves. Walking is just another form of meditation. Sometimes if I'm somewhere quiet, I will also talk to my younger self while I'm on that walk. I'll tell myself things like, no matter what, we will be fine. I will never abandon myself. Everything is going to be okay no matter what happens.
Talk it out. Having people you trust and that you can be 100% yourself no matter how crazy you feel is one of the greatest gifts of life. Of course it can still feel hard at times to be completely vulnerability and share every little bit of what is going on in the depths of your mind. But talking to my friends who are always there for me, and can also offer a more objective opinion can really help. However, as we know, people and even our dearest friends can give unsolicited advice or even project onto us—so it's important to state whether you just want someone to listen or if you're actually open to their feedback. Even when I ask for advice I still do a gut check with myself.
Healers. I need a bit of the pragmatic and the spiritual to get through challenging times. So when I'm really going through it, I consult my tarot reader Violetta Laze or astrologer (and founder of Oromoon) Stephanie Whaler. Both have become serious support systems for me when I need some guidance from the stars or the deck.
Books. Sometimes shifting how we feel is just a matter of perspective. love listening to Pema Chodron's The Places That Scare You to help get me out of ruminating thoughts. I don't even know how many times I've read it/played it. I'll put it on in the shower, when I go for a walk, or when I'm just laying still in my bed. It always helps to remind me that I can't control things even when I try my damn hardest.
Cry. Sometimes you just need a good cry! It's also proven to help release physical and emotional pain.
Tapping. Violetta taught me tapping also know as EFT (emotional freedom technique) at the beginning of the year. It is actually mindblowing how helpful it is to move stagnant energy and feelings in your body. Trust me, I was a little skeptical too, but even the very first time we did it I could feel a massive difference in my anxiety level.
Take a Shower. Water cures all, or maybe that's just my Pisces sun talking. A bath is optimal, but I really noticed in the last year how much I leaned on showers to wash away the bad feelings and help me feel centered again.
Watch TV. I'm not really a big TV watcher, but when I need some comfort, The Office is always there for me.