What Can We Learn From the Delays in Our Life?
For this week's newsletter, I'm answering some reader questions—and the majority of them had to do with insecurities and feeling behind in life, whether in your career or your quest for a romantic relationship. Imagine what we would all be able to accomplish if we didn't have to spend so much time worrying about the arbitrary timelines set for us. Where could we redirect all that energy?
Let's be real: the human experience is weird, confusing, and beautiful, and none of us have any absolute control over our life's path. That can be exhilarating or anxiety-inducing, depending on your threshold for uncertainty. I don't have all the answers, but I know that we are not here to all live the same life on the same timeline. Over the last seven years, I've found greater acceptance for my unique journey as I've developed spiritual practices. When there are “delays” in the things I want for myself, I know that's part of the lesson if I'm willing to learn. And my lessons look different than the ones my parents are here to learn, or the ones my brothers are learning, or my best friends, or you. My prerogative is to make the most out of what I've got, learn all that I can, make an impact with the talents I've been given, and, to top it all off, I'm here to ENJOY this life.
Below, I'm answering your questions about insecurities, stress reduction, and why I'm so trusting in the universe.
Did you ever think you'd be somewhere by now that you're not?
Yes, of course. As much as I like to question our society's one-size-fits-all timeline, it's also hard to escape the pressure it creates if your life path falls anywhere outside of it. This idea that by 30, we should have everything figured out, be featured on a Forbes 30 Under 30 list, land the perfect partner, and be planning for our future family is entirely unrealistic and so not true for most people. Yet, I spent much of my mid to late twenties stressed about where my life was going, feeling somewhat unaccomplished, and I thought my life would be over if I hadn't met the man of my dreams by the time I hit the big 3-0. Who can relate?
Luckily, I've spent most of my twenties and early thirties in NYC. I've come across so many people with different life experiences, which allowed me to see that everyone's path is different. Turning 30 and finding a spiritual practice taught me how to let go of these timelines that were never meant for me—and honestly, that's when life really got fun. I cared a whole lot less about being on anyone's timeline except my own.
Best advice for navigating moments/days of low self-esteem?
I acknowledge the feelings. I will say to myself, I'm feeling insecure about X, Y, and Z today—but it's okay that I'm not feeling my best. I think about why I'm having those feelings, what sparked them, and if it's unrelated to my menstrual cycle, I consider what these feelings are trying to tell/teach me—and what I need in this moment. Do I need rest? Comfort food? Do I need to talk out my feelings with my best friend? I love Kristin Neff's self-compassion meditations. They are amazing, and they save me on hard days. But ultimately, I know those moments don't last, so I try to ride the wave of feelings.
What does making the *right choice* feel like for you?
So much of my job revolves around making decisions for myself day after day. Do I want to work on this project? Do I want to be involved with this brand? It can feel really overwhelming sometimes. Learning about Human Design has been really beneficial for my decision-making. I'm a Generator—and it's vital for me to stay in tune with my body and make decisions from my gut. I feel excited or at peace when I've made a decision that feels aligned with my purpose/path.
Do you feel lonely being single sometimes? If yes, how do you beat it?
I rarely feel lonely in the context of not having a partner. I really enjoy my own company, and I have so many meaningful friendships in my life. Historically, romantic relationships have been such a massive source of stress for me that not being in one actually feels peaceful.
Surprisingly, I've found myself having more feelings of loneliness since I've been living in London, though, because I don't have the expansive network I have in New York. Socializing here feels so different. I've found it less spontaneous—and that's tricky for me as a moody Pisces who can't always plan when I'll want to be around people. So, when I get hit with the desire to be out and about, and I don't have anyone to connect with because I didn't make plans, that's when I can feel a bit lonely. But that usually means I probably need to be outside around humans because I've been cooped up in my flat working all day, so I'll go to the park or a pub just read a book and be around people.
How do you handle stress?
Typically, I go into avoidance mode, which isn't helpful but is my coping mechanism. I will ignore e-mails or text messages. I try to take things a step at a time, though. I look at my to-do list; what are the easiest things I can knock off? Is there something I have to decline or turn down to get a little breathing room? I will usually get stressed if I don't have adequate downtime to decompress. There are also a lot of times when I may not think I'm stressed, but my body will let me know I am via my IBS flaring up or my neck getting really stiff.
I'm 28, how do I stop worrying that I'll never meet a partner and enjoy my life now?
I once saw a post from a celebrity psychic, Thomas John, who I got a reading from years ago that said, “To worry is to meditate on what you don't want.” Of course, worrying is a natural part of life, but that quote has stayed with me. I was also worried throughout my entire twenties that I would end up alone. And guess what? It didn't make that man of my dreams materialize any faster. I had this idea that being 30 and single was a death sentence. Now, I'm 37, still single, and I really love my life. So what changed?
I stopped believing I would be alone forever once I understood my birth chart (and the factors that denote I would find a relationship later in life). When I accepted I had some self-worth and emotional issues I needed to work through that affected the type of men I was attracting and, most importantly, when I focused on creating a fulfilling life for myself.
As I mentioned in my intro, there is something to be learned in the moments when we feel there is a delay in our life or we don't get the thing we think we want. So the way I see it, you have two options: continue to worry, which might not bring you any closer to your goal and make you feel miserable in the process, OR you could focus on what is good about your life right now/work on bringing in more things that will make you feel fulfilled by your life. Maybe you need to expand your social circles and connect with new people, take up a new hobby, do something you've never done before but always thought about, plan a trip to somewhere you've never been, spend more time alone to really connect with yourself, read books, or listen to podcasts that can give you more perspective on life, self-love, and self-development.
How do you harness daily patience to trust that the universe has you?
Wow, what a question. Reflection is a huge part of this. When I reflect on my life (which, of course, I often do), I can see all these formative moments. The times when I felt like I was at a crossroads or was going through really challenging times, struggling with anxiety, doubt, or just feeling unsure of myself. And I see how I came out on the other side with a valuable lesson, more wisdom, redirected on my path, or got something that was beyond what I was even expecting. Those moments teach me to trust the universe. I see the trajectory—so that's why I continue to trust that things work out for my highest good, even when I can't always see it at the moment.
When I need a reminder to hold this perspective, I meditate, I read passages from Pema Chodron or Eckhart Tolle, or I connect with my spiritual counselors.
How to take a leap to the next chapter/calling with little money?
Money was very important to me when calculating my next move. I wanted to make sure I had a safety net for myself outside of my parents. I'm not sure what you're currently doing or hoping to do next—but can you start your next chapter as a side hustle? Test the waters before fully committing. That always seems like the best route, in my opinion. However, plenty of people have risked it all for their calling, and I think that added layer of knowing you have no choice but to succeed can really propel people. So if you feel very strongly about taking a risk on something—who am I to tell you not to make a move?
How to set short-term goals as a new freelancer? I feel free but also want some structure.
A huge part of working for yourself is learning how you work best. Not everyone likes to work the same way. There was a time I noticed that I really liked writing late at night, like after midnight; ideas would just be flowing. Is that typically an ideal time to work? No, but it worked for me when I was feeling that rush of creativity, I embraced it.
To set goals, try brainstorming by yourself (or with another creative), and write down any and all ideas that come to you. Then you can narrow down to what feels realistic for the next five months (until the end of 2023). Make a list of what you what to achieve, and come up with some actionable steps and maybe some deadlines for what you hope to accomplish. Give yourself some room for those deadlines to change, though—the best part of working for yourself is flexibility!
And know that it's better to start and take it little by little, step by step, rather than pressuring yourself to have something perfect before you release it into the world.
How do you deal with insecurity around your looks in a relationship? Comparisons etc?
So much about attraction is far beyond how we look—and I think that understanding really comes with age. I don't worry about my looks so much because I accept that some people are attracted to me and some people aren't, just like I'm not attracted to everyone.
Growing up, I received a lot of positive reinforcement about how I looked, so I always thought I was beautiful—even when I questioned whether others could really see it (I blame white beauty standards and growing up around mostly white people). But I arrived at a point where I started to wonder whether I had things to offer beyond being thin and attractive. That was a source of insecurity for me in the past.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate all the non-physical elements of attraction, which I feel is more important to cultivate. It's energy, confidence, character, values, humor, ambition, compassion, etc. So, I don't get overly concerned with comparing myself to other women or wondering if I'm in the same “league” as the men I date. A guy telling me he thinks I'm hot doesn't move me as much as them telling me they like my energy or admire me.
How to know when it's time to move on from a job you love?
Do you feel like you're still learning in your current role? Is there room for growth? Do you aspire to one day have the role that your boss has? Maybe you might want to test your market value and interview at other companies and see what else is out there to help you make a better decision. It can take time to make a big move like this, so I'd say take your time.
How to not feel behind in life? I'm 27, still can't find a job, and still living at home.
The last three years have been really difficult for so many people, it changed a lot of people's lives and trajectories. It's safe to say you're not even remotely close to being the only person that feels this way.
But first of all, please free yourself from thinking there's something wrong with living at home. There is a housing crisis out there, rents have skyrocketed all over the country, and you're fortunate that you have parents you can live with, and this helps you protect your future by saving money on rent right now. That's a great thing.
When it comes to finding a job: again, it's tough out there, but perhaps there are some different approaches you can take. Is there someone in your prospective field that you can reach out to and chat with for advice or a little encouragement? Can you find a career coach to review your resume and interviewing skills with? Are you updating your LinkedIn and connecting with people on there? LinkedIn is really having a comeback, and I love sharing little career highlights on there and seeing what others are up to. Are you sending cold e-mails? This is such a big one. I feel like people are scared to do this, but it can really work—that's how I've hired anyone that's ever worked for me, including my current assistant. I love when people take initiative.