What I’m Leaving Behind at 39
I spent my birthday alone last week, something I’ve never done before. I wasn’t sure it was the right decision until I landed at the Beaverbrook Hotel just outside of London. I’ve never experienced a hotel that felt more like me (or maybe the highest version of me). This place is a dream for the book lovers, nature enthusiasts, and romantics. I was especially charmed by the stacks of vintage books on every windowsill and tabletop in my room. I had peaceful views of the walled garden from bed. And there’s no quicker way to my heart than an extra deep freestanding tub— after all, a Pisces recharges best in water.
The only thing I truly envisioned for my birthday was a slow, indulgent day at the spa. So, I had a lazy morning, ordered room service, at noon it was time for my not-so-relaxing dry brushing and massage treatment—but it left my skin feeling as soft as the day I was born. Most spas lean towards a sterile and neutral aesthetic, so I really appreciated how Beaverbrook’s spa felt vibrant and full of life. I was mesmerized by the corridor leading to the treatment rooms with blue and green ceramic tiles and a colorful leaf-patterned stained glass ceiling. I took advantage of the sauna and pools all day.
In the evening, I journaled and wrote out my manifestations for the year ahead. It was the perfect balance—solitude without feeling isolated. Also, the entire hotel staff knew it was my birthday, so I received plenty of attention. It was a day of reflection and I just felt a lot of gratitude for my life and the experience I was having. I’ve stayed in so many beautiful hotels, but this one captured a whimsical, healing, earthy energy I’d love to live in 24/7.
I did wonder whether I would feel lonely. I often get requests for tips on traveling alone without feeling lonely, but that’s never my goal when I travel solo. Sometimes, that’s just a natural emotion that arises, even though I typically enjoy my time alone. There were moments when I couldn’t help but drift back to last year when I spent my birthday with my ex-boyfriend. I’m not afraid of those feelings when they come up because I’m only human! I can observe them, journal about them, and let them go. I focus on what I can appreciate about the moment I’m in, knowing that one day, I’ll experience it with someone else. But for now, I’m grateful for all the things I get to experience on my own—it is a privilege.
Aside from entering the final year of my 30s this year, I’m also in my personal 9-year in numerology. I had an enlightening numerology reading last spring with Janine Slome that was gifted to me by a friend. You calculate your numerology by adding up each individual digit of your birthdate. For me, it’s 3-6-2-0-2-5 = 18, and then 1+8 = 9. The 9 year is all about endings, reflection, and preparing for a rebirth or new beginning. Similarly to eclipses, she told me anything that falls away from my life this year—to just let it because it's not meant to be in my life. So, in honor of my impending rebirth, I’m reflecting on the things I’d like to make peace with this year and leave behind.
The need to be “good”
This is something I’ve been exploring in therapy in the last year. I haven’t completely made sense of it yet, except that I know it stems from my mother and her own perfectionist tendencies that she projects onto me. She’s always the barometer for what it means to be a “good” person, and I don’t always live up to her expectations. Honestly, I don’t think she lives up to her expectations either. Sometimes, I’m at peace with that. Other times, it feels really defeating— like I can never do enough to please her, and therefore I’m a “bad” person. It feeds into the part of me that feels unseen by her, even though deep down, I know who I am. I know that I move through the world with my heart at the center of nearly everything I do. No matter how much I consider how my actions or words affect others, there are times when I’m going to disappoint people—not just my mother, but friends, or people who follow me. And that’s okay. I’m not here to be perfect. I don’t want to be seen as someone who always gets it “right.” I’m here to have a human experience and learn, just like everyone else.
Wishing I had learned things sooner
I started this healing journey in 2016, and I’ve come a long, long way. Many of you have had a front-row seat to it—whether through this newsletter or by following me on Instagram. I’ve grown and expanded in ways I never imagined I was capable of. I’ve learned so much, but no matter how much personal growth I’ve experienced or how beautifully my life has evolved, there’s still that little voice in my head whispering, If only I had figured this out sooner. Why couldn’t I have learned these lessons earlier? Maybe then, I would have had the relationship I always wanted. A part of me still wonders what could have been different, but I have to remind myself—that simply wasn’t my path. We each receive the lessons meant for our personal evolution, sometimes over and over until they truly sink in. And maybe some people never fully learn theirs. I want to release the idea that my life could have unfolded any other way than exactly how it has.
My family origin role as “peacekeeper”
Next month marks five years since I moved back home to the suburbs with my parents—and anyone who lived with their parents during lockdown knows how challenging it can be to navigate that dynamic as an adult. It’s so easy to slip back into childhood roles, and for me, that’s always been the peacemaker. I was a parentified child in many ways, the one everyone turned to with their problems—whether to vent about another family member or just to unload. I love that people feel they can talk to me, but it’s also a drain on my energy, especially when I feel that they can’t hold the same space for me in my time of need. More and more, I’ve been making a conscious effort to step back—no mediating arguments, no playing translator, no taking on the role of fixer. I’ve set boundaries with my parents that I don’t want to be caught in the middle of anyone’s complaints about anyone else in the family. It’s still a work in progress, but at the very least, I’m more aware of when I need to step away—and I’m learning to do just that.
Wanting to be seen by people who might never “see” me
Part of our human nature is the desire to be seen and understood for exactly who we are—but by whom? Over the past year, with so much activity in my 11th house of friendships and community, I’ve been reflecting on who truly sees me and where I feel free to be my full self. But there’s another layer I’m still untangling—one tied to my work life and a lingering desire to be seen by people who may never fully acknowledge me simply because they’re not interested in all the different sides or versions of me. And that’s okay. I’m not here to prove anything to anyone. But the frustration still lingers, and I recognize it’s a waste of my energy. Instead, I’m trying to keep my focus on the community that does see me, value me, and appreciate my work. That’s where my energy belongs.
Crowdsourcing for advice
A few weeks ago, I had an astrology reading with Colin Bedell aka Queer Cosmos (he’s fantastic!), and he gave me a lot to think about for my year ahead. One thing he said that stood out the most was, “So much of the information you receive about relationships is antithetical to your chart.” As someone with Venus in Pisces in the 12th house, it felt incredibly affirming. I’ve always sensed that the way I experience relationships is fundamentally different from how many others do. It’s hard to explain, but conventional dating advice or dating rules will never lead me to what I’m looking for. Instead, I have to trust myself to navigate relationships in a way that feels authentic to me. Thankfully, I’m finally in a place where I feel more trusting of myself to do that
Alcohol
I quietly quit alcohol at the beginning of this year. I’ve never been a big drinker, so the transition hasn’t been challenging——but we live in a world where everything revolves around alcohol, especially when you have an active social life and attend a lot of work events where free alcohol is always present. I decided it was time to phase it out of my life because I don’t need it, and more often than not, I was drinking simply because it was there. Yes, I had a little glass of champagne on my birthday—I’d like to keep it for special occasions—but other than that, I’m perfectly fine without it. Also, I quite like these drinks from Aplós.
Addiction to social media/my phone
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on who my highest self truly is. And if I’m honest, she’s not someone addicted to technology. She’s someone who makes more time for stillness, for boredom—for simply being. Sometimes, when I zoom out and view the world that I live in right now—I find it really hard to sit with the fact that I spend so much of my life just scrolling, watching other people’s lives. And I get that I make a living from other people scrolling and watching my life. I can’t help but wonder—10 or 20 years from now, how will we feel about the way we spent our time? I have a feeling we’ll wish we had wasted less of it on our phones. I don’t think we were ever meant to know this much about other people—where they’re going, what they’re getting, what we’re not getting. I want to disconnect from that more.
I’m looking forward to this next voyage around the sun. I'm not afraid of turning 40 like I was afraid of turning 30. There are so many wise, inspiring women I admire— Jen Atkin, Gabrielle Union, Suzy Welch, Laura Brown, Dani Beinstein, Sade Lythcott, and Emma Grede—who are thriving in their 40s and beyond, living big, beautiful lives. So, what's there to fear? At the end of the day, it's all about mindset, and I'm excited about the woman I am growing into. So, I’m stepping into this year with intention, curiosity, and trust. I have big goals for this year and the next decade, and I’m excited to watch them unfold—one aligned step at a time.