12 BOOKS THAT MADE ME THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT MYSELF, RELATIONSHIPS, & LIFE
Self-help books have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. I say guilty pleasure because much like mental health, there’s always been a stigma around this genre—so much so that people are more likely to order them from the privacy of their home or buy them on their Kindle so they don’t have to carry around the titles.
How weird to actually admit you’re interested in improving your life or expanding your awareness? But as more and more self-help (or self-transformation as it’s called these days) books have hit the shelves over the years, selling millions, it’s clear there is a real audience for this category—and it should go without saying that no one should actually feel guilty about self-discovery.
I typically only like to read books that will help me learn something about myself and how I operate in the world, so I’ve read a lot of these books over the years, and many have had a lasting impact. Sometimes I think maybe I should just go back to school and study psychology. I don’t think that’s in the cards for me right now, but I’d never say never.
Self-help books have inspired me to ditch toxic people, set better boundaries, break up with a therapist, have unwavering faith in myself, find my purpose, listen compassionately, and surrender to the unknown because change will always be constant in life.
Here are the 12 self-help books I recommend the most
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”
This book is a game-changer. It came recommended to me by a professional matchmaker I interviewed for a story years ago—and now it’s the book I recommend the most. I truly believe all humans need to read this work by psychiatrist Amir Levine—he expertly lays out how our relationship with our parents from birth informs who we’re attracted to and the roles we play in romantic relationships. Most people fall into 1 of 3 categories: secure, anxious (me!), or avoidant attachment. Attached also made me break up with my last therapist, because she could’ve answered so many of my questions if she had told me about attachment theories.
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
“The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.”
For those who are new to this genre, consider this your introduction to cultivating awareness. Eckhart Tolle (Oprah’s go-to spiritual guru) explains how our minds are a natural enemy of enlightenment. By teaching us to live fully in the present, Tolle says we can achieve a pain-free identity. The messages in this book really resonate with me in times when I feel like I’m volleying back and forth between what could’ve been and what could be.
What a Time to Be Alone: The Slumflower's Guide to Why You Are Already Enough
“The more you honor and respect your time, the more other people will have to follow suit - and if they don't, then they do not deserve to take up room in your life. People are not allowed to make us feel bad for not rescuing them from their own situations.”
I promise you’re going to wish Chidera Eggerue, also known as The Slumflower, was your best friend when you finish this read. There’s so few Black authors dominating the self-help space, and she has written a truly modern zine-style book about self-love, setting boundaries, and never settling. She also peppers in anecdotes from her Nigerian upbringing. Eggerue brings such a strong, female-empowered perspective with the perfect amount of sass that will inspire you to take no shit from no one.
The Four Agreements
“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.”
Do you desire personal freedom? Ruiz breaks down the self-limiting beliefs that create needless suffering and deplete us of joy on a daily basis, and instead encourages readers to transform their lives through four powerful codes of conduct: be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best. This is a simple read and one of my absolute favorites.
How to Love Yourself (and Sometimes Other People): Spiritual Advice for Modern Relationships
“We don’t become worthy of love someday; we are worthy of love simply because we exist.”
For the spiritually inclined looking to enhance their relationship with themselves and/or others—Lodro Rinzler and Meggan Watterson bring dual perspectives and anecdotes on everything from sex to self-worth to falling in and out of love. I’d say this one is best for those who are single and dating…
The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
“It's hard to know whether to laugh or to cry at the human predicament. Here we are with so much wisdom and tenderness, and—without even knowing it—we cover it over to protect ourselves from insecurity. Although we have the potential to experience the freedom of a butterfly, we mysteriously prefer the small and fearful cocoon of ego.”
This book was recommended to me by my tarot reader years ago and was one of my first spiritual reads, and a great introduction to the brilliant Pema Chodron (Oprah also loves her!). It’s always one of my first book recommendations for someone in need of an enlightened perspective. Chodron teaches us we all have two options in life: "we can let the circumstances of our lives harden us and make us increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder." The Buddhist teacher also shares wisdom for how to move beyond the fear of uncertainty and connect with others to open our inherent goodness.
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
In a world that feels increasingly fake, Brown drives home an important belief; being vulnerable is when the magic happens and ultimately leads us to true happiness in our relationships. The author motivates readers to see that vulnerability is not and should never be seen as a weakness—love and belonging are feelings that all human beings possess and desire, and we should never make excuses for that.
A New Earth: Awakening Your Life's Purpose
“Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won't die. You will come to life. And don't be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it's their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don't be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious Presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.”
This is a book that I’ll be re-reading and referencing for the rest of my life. I like to say that it “rearranged my brain,” which means it changed the way that I look at my life and the world. Tolle challenges us to give up ego, to give up the narratives we tell ourselves, to transcend the perceived obstacles that we create in our minds so that we can approach our life with purpose and authenticity. This is really one of my favorite spiritual reads, but it’s not for beginners.
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck
“Not giving a fuck—crucially—means releasing yourself from the worry, anxiety, fear, and guilt associated with saying no, allowing you to stop spending time you don’t have with people you don’t like doing things you don’t want to do.”
I’m a firm believer in not doing things I don’t want to do just to appease others—because when we do that, we’re essentially abandoning our own needs to placate others. This book really puts it all into perspective. If you are someone who always says yes when you want to say no or find yourself constantly doing things out of obligation or guilt—this book is for you.
The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message For An Age of Anxiety
“Tomorrow and plans for tomorrow can have no significance at all unless you are in full contact with the reality of the present, since it is in the present and only in the present that you live. There is no other reality than present reality, so that, even if one were to live for endless ages, to live for the future would be to miss the point everlastingly.”
My therapist recommended this book. Alan Watts is brilliant and yet again this title drives home the idea that much of our anxiety stems from our inability to be truly present. He weaves in the teachings of Christianity and Zen Buddhism and their ideals of human life, namely that we all have to find a way to let go of thinking that we have any control. This book is a must-have for any overthinker.
Nonviolent Communication: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships
“My theory is that we get depressed because we’re not getting what we want, and we’re not getting what we want because we have never been taught to get what we want. Instead, we’ve been taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers. If we’re going to be one of those good things, better get used to being depressed. Depression is the reward we get for being “good.” But, if you want to feel better, I’d like you to clarify what you would like people to do to make life more wonderful for you.”
I could write a whole newsletter solely dedicated to this book, and maybe I will in the future. This was another book that rearranged my brain! It really made me re-examine how I speak to those closest to me, and also how to really listen to what they say to me. At the end of the day, we all have basic needs (acceptance, closeness, empathy, honesty, love, reassurance)—but we haven’t been taught to properly ask for what we need to get those needs met. And you know what happens when our needs aren’t met? We feel angry, disappointed, embarrassed, impatient, lonely, sad, the list goes on. This book teaches you how to communicate directly and with compassion.
My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies
“Years as a healer and trauma therapist have taught me that trauma isn’t destiny. The body, not the thinking brain, is where we experience most of our pain, pleasure, and joy, and where we process most of what happens to us. It is also where we do most of our healing, including our emotional and psychological healing. And it is where we experience resilience and a sense of flow.”
Learning about generational trauma is one of the best things I’ve done for myself in the last few years. Hearing the word trauma always sounds terrifying—and it’s important to know that trauma is not limited to sexual or physical abuse. Situations where we felt frightened, unsafe, or intense guilt or shame also cause trauma, and these feelings can have a lasting impact on us. Reesma Menakem’s book adds another layer: the trauma of racism and white supremacy that affects all of us. He makes the argument that healing this trauma is not just about the mind, but understanding the effects it has on our bodies as a key to moving beyond the racial divide.
If you have any self-help reads you love, please feel free to reply and send me recommendation or two.
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